I am not a seasoned The Bachelor franchise watcher.
I didn’t start watching the series until a year ago, when a group of lady friends and I thought it would be a fun idea to do the most millennial-girl thing possible besides becoming butt-famous on Instagram—we were going to watch The Bachelor, and we were going to do it the right way: with copious amounts of alcohol.
After Ben’s season, I was hooked (and hungover).
Shortly after, I watched The Bachelorette in full. I loved JoJo. I did not like the man she chose. #teamLuke all the way. (How could you not be? I mean, come on.)
Shortly after, I watched Bachelor in Paradise, the spin-off where they send old franchise contestants to Mexico where they drink and make out a lot. That’s where I met our current Bachelor, Nick Viall.
Nick has been on three different seasons of The Bachelor franchises and he came very close each time to winning the girl, whether it was Bachelorette Andi, Bachelorette Kaitlyn, or former The Bachelor contestant Jen on the spin-off.
The question is, this time around, now that he is the actual Bachelor: will he get dumped on national television (again)? Only time will tell.
Until then, I’ll be here drinking my wine and writing my feelings.
Here are 10 Times This Week’s The Bachelor Sent Me on an Emotional Rollercoaster.
1. Five Seconds In
Chris Harrison, lovable Bachelor host, begins his voice-over for the show’s intro. “Tonight, get ready for a season unlike anything you’ve ever seen before.” Already, I am annoyed. Really Chris? Obviously it’s a season unlike anything I’ve seen before. It’s Nick freakin’ Viall, villain-turned-underdog, as the Bachelor. I will say, however, that I like the photo of Nick staring hopefully at his rose. Will he fall in love? Will he get dumped? Will the show be spoiled by Reality Steve before it is finished?
Side note: In the voiceover, Chris Harrison uses “unprecedented” unironically. Who are you, Chris? CNN? ….Am I going to hate this season?
2. That workout montage, though
Um, HELLO. I am feeling okay now about watching this season. Nick Viall is hot. Like, super hot. Kudos to you, show editors, because I’m no longer annoyed. I’m kind of rooting for him at this point, but still wondering if he’s going to get dumped again. But then again, he is endearing as hell. Someone will take him as he is, right?
3. Meeting Nick’s family
Please hold, y’all. I’m feeling some real happiness right now. Nick’s fam is CUTE! He loves his little sister, who gives him a few pointers on how to behave this season. It’s a very Chloe Grace Moretz/Joseph Gordon-Levitt in (500) Days of Summer feel, and I’m digging it. Carry on.
4. Meeting the girls!
This may be my favorite part of the show. Strut your stuff, ladies, because this is your time to win Nick over. First impressions are everything! (That’s a dating tip from me, dating guru Annie.) Rachel is a lawyer who likes to sing and vacuum at the same time! How interesting! Next up is Danielle. She owns three businesses at 27 years old. Okay, that really is impressive. Following is a special needs teacher (really heartwarming, actually), a cat-loving nursing student, an Arkansas boutique owner (but she’s lonely and wants love!) and a 24-year-old Miami blonde named Corrine who lives at home and works with her family’s multi-million dollar business. I hate her already, because she eats cucumbers as a snack. Cucumbers are not a snack. No way. Also, her nanny brings them to her. HER NANNY. AT TWENTY-FOUR YEARS OLD. I’m thoroughly pissed off. The next girl loves dolphins. That’s all I learned about her. Later on, there’s a girl who MIGHT have slept with Nick in the past (SCANDAL!), so I cannot wait to see what’s in store for the poor guy! (Or girl—will Nick even remember her?)
Edit: They DID sleep together. According to her. So, does that mean she has an advantage from the other girls? Is that even allowed in The Bachelor rules? Does The Bachelor even have rules?! Is it as cruel and capricious as the universe itself, adrift in an indifferent void with no innate sense of order or decorum? SOMEONE, HELP ME OUT!
5. The Limo Introductions pt. 1
At this point, the girls usually have some talent or schtick to try and impress Nick. I AM DISAPPOINTED. I WANT FLIPS, HELICOPTER LANDINGS, MAGIC TRICKS. I get “I’m excited that you’re the Bachelor” and “I’m nervous!” ……..Girls. Come on. How is Nick going to remember you if you say the same thing as everyone else? Duh, you’re excited. Duh, you’re nervous. At least Christen (big smile, yellow dress, wedding videographer) does a fun little fan dance before introducing herself. I guess that’s better than nothing. ...Until she says, “I feel like I’m meeting a celebrity!” The rest of the girls’ introductions are pretty uninteresting, until one of them talks about her boobs in German, and Nick just stands there like, “......What?”
6. The Limo Introductions pt. 2
I HATE CORRINE SO MUCH. WTF IS A HUG TOKEN!? Nick gets a beard massage, a girl hears his heartbeat, Nick has to “Lady-and-Tramp it” (hot dog style) with the cat-obsessed nurse, a girl named Lacey rides in on a camel and makes a lot of humping jokes, and I’m severely annoyed again. Some of these girls are the worst.
...Until you get to the girl who loves dolphins, who is wearing a shark costume. She’s the actual worst.
7. Christen and Nick ballroom dance
I think I’m on Team Christen. If she is kicked off this episode I may lose my cool. She just seems so real… and dorky. Just like Nick. He’s a goober. She’s a goober. They should be goobers together. Right?
8. CORRINE KISSES NICK
I HATE HER, I HATE HER, I HATE HER. If Nick gives her the first impression rose, I will double lose my cool. Like, okay. I get it. He’s hot, she’s gorgeous and a total go-getter. But that’s not just a kiss. That’s a K-I-S-S. I am livid.
9. First Impression Rose
Meh. Okay, like, Rachel is very impressive. She’s a lawyer, she’s sweet, she’s smart as a whip. But first impression rose? No way. What did she do (or say) that was different than any other girl? Nick is impressed, I guess. I’m not sure why. I will say that I am happy it’s not Corrine. Like, really happy.
10. Rose Ceremony
Obviously, I am so excited for Christen. Can we just end the show and let her win? I’d be okay with that. I am not okay with Corinne getting a rose, but hey. I get it. There needs to be a villain. Damnit. Also, Alexis the dolphin girl? Really? I’m certain that was a producer move.
I suppose we will have to wait til next week to see what happens next. For now, I’m Team Christen. Here’s hoping she makes it far, and Corinne gets kicked off ASAP. Also, I hope to never see the “dolphin” costume again. It’s a shark costume, damn it.
Annie Black is Paste’s Social Media Manager.