Hey lady comics! How’s lady comic-ing? Uh huh…uh huh…uh huh… that’s great, but we don’t actually want to listen to you. We just wanted the chance to interrupt you to give some unsolicited advice! Isn’t that great? Haven’t you been waiting your whole life for a stranger to give you unsolicited advice? Of course you have! Listen, we know how it is in comedy. You have to take every chance you’re given, even if that chance comes with scary solicitations. Hey, if you didn’t want to risk your life you wouldn’t be talking into a microphone, right? So without further ado, here’s our advice on how to burn bridges with your harasser and still do his bar show! (Does this ring true for musicians as well? Because if it does we will get more clicks and also be very sad!)
1. Laugh at his suggestive jokes while serving him legal papers
This is a great way to keep your harasser’s fragile ego in check while still establishing clear boundaries. Remember, your harasser is a powder keg that could go off and destroy your career the second his masculinity feels threatened. But also, you need to threaten his masculinity in order to stay safe. So how do you do that? Dry legal jargon! Silently and stealthily slip him a legal warning or restraining order and keep his sad manhood in check! Remember to keep the restraining order under 15 feet so you can still do his bar show.
2. Hire a comedy bodyguard
You must be making money doing those bar shows, right? Any money at all? Of course you are! Why would someone ask you to do your job for no money? So why not spend some of that totally real money on a level of safety you’d get at any other job? Problem solved!
3. Stick a hilarious bear trap in your vagina
Everyone loves slapstick, right? And props! You’ll be the darling of the stand-up scene! Stick a hilarious bear trap in your vagina and serve everyone’s desire for you to be constantly entertaining (and naked!) while sending a subtle “No! Vagina scary! Bad!” message to your harasser.
4.Become funnier than him
His attraction to you will instantly fall away the moment you’re perceived as a rival, threat, or—worse!—a person. So become funnier than your harasser and watch his inappropriate comments and gestures just melt away. Remember that as a woman, the funnier you get, the more alone you’ll get to be! Yay!
5. Date him for five months
Fuck, is this one of the only realistic ways to burn bridges with your harasser and still do his bar show? It is, isn’t it? Just thinking about this probably makes you barf. We bet you HATE comedy now, huh? It’s ok, the more you grow to hate comedy, the better you get at comedy! It’s been scientifically proven.
Well, there you have it, some helpful unsolicited suggestions to get your harasser off your back but keep doing his show. You have really unhealthy goals! Why would you read this article? Come on, lady, why are you doing this to yourself? You’re obviously smart and creative. You probably have a ton of better things you can do with your life! Stop reading this and check out some of those community college brochures your mom keeps mailing you. You can start over! Really! And go to therapy. Comedy must be an addiction because that is the only explanation for you wanting to burn bridges with your harasser but still do his bar show.
To all the women who stand their ground in a hostile work environment because they’re addicted to their art, we salute you. (P.S. if you can’t afford tampons this month stealing toilet paper from a comedy club restroom is almost as good.)
Hana Michels is a comedian in Los Angeles.