Thursday night Nintendo revealed the next Mario game for the Nintendo Switch, and there was at least one pretty big surprise: instead of some kind of fanciful storybook kingdom based on mold, or whatever, Mario will be bouncing around in the big city. The trailer shows the li’l guy roaming through what is clearly Manhattan, and if that doesn’t immediately catch your interest, maybe the next bit of info will: if you look closely you’ll see that this isn’t New York City he’s in, but the perfectly named ideal society of NEW DONK CITY. You’d think something as immaculately inspired and unassailably awesome as the name “New Donk City” would need no comments beyond the sheer recognition of its beauty. You’d think this is one of those magical ideas that we, as mere humans, can only gaze upon in wonder (with a slight undercurrent of fear). You can think that, but then the never-satiated hunger of social media would prove you wrong, once again, as Twitter was immediately buried underneath a torrent of New Donk City jokes. We can’t blame the jokesters of the world for sullying the pristine glory of New Donk City with their petty quips, though: life is short on this world (unlike in New Donk City), and should be enjoyed as thoroughly as possible, even if that means dragging something indescribable through the common muck of our insufficient language. Also some of them were legitimately funny, so whatever.
Here are the best that we were able to quickly cobble together in transit between two cities that can never hope to contain a fraction of the magic of New Donk City, as written by the following: