Yesterday, former acting Attorney General Sally Yates and former Director of National Intelligence James Clapper testified in front of Congress on the topic of Donald Trump’s Russian connections. Well, that’s what they were supposed to do, but every Republican in the hearing except for Ben Sasse and Lindsey Graham plugged their ears and started screaming any time the topic came up. If you want a serious breakdown of the most important moments from the testimony, definitely read Roger Sollenberger’s summary up at Paste. If you want a, well, less serious recap demonstrating the stupidity of the entire ordeal, check out these seven anecdotes below.
1. Michael Flynn is a Grade-A Moron.
This is the prime takeaway from the hearing. He is the dumbest person who ever dumbed and it’s absolutely astonishing that he rose to a position as high as he did. Sally Yates confirmed that when she and the FBI met with Flynn at the White House to discuss his potential light treason, Flynn did not have a lawyer present.
Anyone with half a working brain who has seen part of an episode of Law & Order knows not to talk to the cops without counsel present (or council if you’re the President of the United States). I am in complete and total awe of Michael Flynn’s historic idiocy. We should build a monument to this man outside the Stupid Watergate Museum when this is all over.
2. Also stupid? Republican Senator from Louisiana, John Kennedy.
Kennedy is what would happen if Foghorn Leghorn suffered a traumatic brain injury.
Kennedy also grilled Clapper at the end, asking how Flynn could get a security clearance when we knew that he was talking to the Russians, to which Clapper deadpanned, “well…he already had a security clearance.” Kennedy then shot back “don't you have to get some additional double secret security clearance to serve in the White House?”
I think it's pretty clear from this sequence that Senator Kennedy is not one to stay on top of the news.
He also pronounced “Putin” as “Pewtin” and my brain kept trying to crawl out of my head every time that word slithered out of his mouth.
3. Republican Senator from Texas, John Cornyn, Also Joined the Dipshit Brigade.
Sally Yates has the patience of a saint, as she was constantly fighting off old white men mischaracterizing her words like she was in a zombie movie.
4. Sally Yates Had to State the Obvious Because This is Where America is at Right Now.
Given that nearly every Republican but Lindsey Graham left early (a couple did return for their final questioning), I'm not quite sure that this is obvious. The Republicans have branded themselves as the party over country party, so they'd probably accept help from ISIS if it meant swinging a solid blue district over to their side of the aisle.
5. Republicans Hijacked the Hearing to Talk about Hillary Clinton's E-Mails.
Seriously. Ted Cruz really did “but her e-mails”-ed the hearing. I would make a joke about this but there are no more left. The stupidity of this entire saga has depleted our schadenfreude reserves, so the best I can give you is this text I got from my girlfriend during the proceedings: “everything about Ted Cruz has an aura that I would describe as moist.”
6. Sally Yates Dunked on Ted Cruz.
Cruz moistly delivered some constitutional knowledge thinking that he had a trump card, but Yates also has a law degree, and, well…enjoy.
If anyone knows how I can tattoo this video on to my body, please let me know.
7. After the Hearing, Trump Capped It with One of the Great Moments in the History of Unintentional Comedy.
Our snowflake-in-chief weighed in on the tweets after it was over, firing off a tweetstorm that included this gem.
Clapper didn't really say that, plus, he's also gone on record stating that he didn't know that there was even an investigation into collusion until March—after he had left DNI. If you thought this was the end of it, well, then you don't know Trump, because he created possibly the most passive aggressive Twitter banner in the history of the trollsite.
The internet subsequently went wild because this is empirically hysterical. He's since changed it to a more normal header because the Boy King is governed entirely by the whims of talk radio, cable news and his Twitter mentions. I've never been more convinced that he's guilty as shit, and he may have even converted some skeptics with this move.
Stupid Watergate is too kind of a term for this saga. If you’ve got a better name, shoot me an e-mail at Jacob at Pastemagazine dot com or DM me on Twitter.
Jacob Weindling is a staff writer for Paste politics. Follow him on Twitter at @Jakeweindling.