A day after Eric Trump used his stupid face to claim Democrats “aren’t even people,” his brother, Donald Trump Jr., decided that he too should roll around in the mud. As Jr. watched James Comey’s Senate hearing today, he took to the preferred Trump family medium to avenge his father’s sullied reputation. According to Jr., Comey just doesn’t understand daddy Trump like he does. He’s just a big, misunderstood teddy bear with the nuclear codes in his tiny, fuzzy hands.
Apparently, when Trump tells you to do something, you know he means it. The president was obviously just talking to Comey, bro-to-bro, and wistfully dreaming about the possibility of Flynn being exonerated. It’s just like how you often suggest to your mom how great it’d be if you got an Xbox for Christmas. You’re not saying she has to get it for you, just that it could be really nice if you and your friends didn’t have to go to jail because of your Russian ties.
And, let’s be honest, there’s no way somebody could possibly get lost in Trump’s clear, direct language. After all, this is the same man that so clearly summed up his position on nuclear power in 2015 thusly:
Look, having nuclear—my uncle was a great professor and scientist and engineer, Dr. John Trump at MIT; good genes, very good genes, OK, very smart, the Wharton School of Finance, very good, very smart—you know, if you’re a conservative Republican, if I were a liberal, if, like, OK, if I ran as a liberal Democrat, they would say I’m one of the smartest people anywhere in the world—it’s true!—but when you’re a conservative Republican they try—oh, do they do a number—that’s why I always start off: Went to Wharton, was a good student, went there, went there, did this, built a fortune—you know I have to give my like credentials all the time, because we’re a little disadvantaged—but you look at the nuclear deal, the thing that really bothers me—it would have been so easy, and it’s not as important as these lives are (nuclear is powerful; my uncle explained that to me many, many years ago, the power and that was 35 years ago; he would explain the power of what’s going to happen and he was right—who would have thought?), but when you look at what’s going on with the four prisoners—now it used to be three, now it’s four—but when it was three and even now, I would have said it’s all in the messenger; fellas, and it is fellas because, you know, they don’t, they haven’t figured that the women are smarter right now than the men, so, you know, it’s gonna take them about another 150 years—but the Persians are great negotiators, the Iranians are great negotiators, so, and they, they just killed, they just killed us.
Everything Trump says is crystal—which, by the way, we’ll remind you, is the name of some tremendous water, by the way, we would know, our uncle is a water maker of the highest, most excellent variety, everybody says so, the best of his kind, good genes, strong jaw line, powerful thighs—clear.