It’s not particularly uncommon for a company as large as the Trump Organization to own a whole mess of domain names. After all, Trump is just as likely to sell overcooked steaks as he is unaccredited education, and each of those businesses needs its own internet presence. Those consumers desperate for a sip of some chilled “Trump Ice” won’t want to dig through hundreds of menus on a single website (though you’ve got a better chance of getting the Trump-brand water from eBay than through any true retailer).
All this to say, Trump has not been shy about buying up all sorts of domain names, whether they make a whole lot of sense or not. Here’s a list of some of our favorites.
Starting with the basics, clearly somebody in the Trump Organization had the foresight to realize what the entire world is just now fully coming to terms with. I like to think this was purchased by a disgruntled employee who’d just had enough with his asshole boss.
If a Trumportunity comes a-knockin’ at your door, the best course of action is to engage the deadbolt, close the blinds and pray it gets distracted by a some pizza parlor without Trump’s name on it. Trumportunities are mostly there to bankrupt you and everybody you love.
Speaking of which, this is probably coincidental. To be fair, Trump probably claims to have built the pyramids in the first place.
I can’t imagine a more unappealing visual. Does this refer to a Trump-sponsored liquid on the rocks, or a dead Trump being transported to a morgue? Neither sounds sanitary.
I was wrong. This is the most unappealing visual. The thought of a Trump doll sitting on my nightstand, watching silently as I sleep, is the stuff of purest nightmares.
Considering Trump doesn’t actually drink, this is probably his actual opinion of all his alcoholic beverages.
Again, incredible foresight by the Trump Organization to snatch this bad boy up. Presumably the idea to search for this domain popped up during some rambling, three-hour staff meeting about making lunch breaks great again.
Give it a few weeks.
Just like how everybody is separated from Kevin Bacon by only six degrees, everybody is separated from Trump lawsuit by only three contract dispute cases. In a way, we’re all being sued by The Donald.
The day is soon coming when Trump will rebrand the United States Military as “Trump Army.” Presumably everything they wear will be gold-plated and utterly nonfunctional. All rations will become well-cooked ketchup steak and sucky Trump vodka. And they’ll probably have to pay to join. Look out ISIS.
Obviously, a Trump Army would be incomplete without Trump-branded weaponry. A world with Trump Drones is not a world I want to live in. Assuming our commander-in-chief could wrap his tiny hands around the joystick, what sort of havoc could he wreak on his enemies abroad and on the golf course?
“Look, I’m a basic guy. Ask anybody. They all say, ‘Trump is the most basic of all guys’—in the world, by the way—can you imagine that? The whole world and nobody is more basic. Definitely experts on simpleness and basicness are so surprised at how I break their simple basic standard scale they almost want to quit being scientists. And because of my simple, basic body type, I don’t need fancy beds with fancy bedding. Order Donald Trump’s Basic Bedding now and sleep like the Donald—well not exactly like the Donald, because I’m the best—but maybe, like, a less basic version of me. Sleep like a basic man, tonight.” – Unaired Ad Campaign, probably.
This was a smart purchase. How embarrassing would it be when Ivanka finally fulfills her dreams of becoming the world’s greatest poker player if she didn’t own this website? It’s definitely going to happen. Her poker face when discussing her Chinese shoe factories is quite impressive, after all.
This is either intended to be the world’s most terrifying porn site, or the beginning of Trump’s burgeoning music career. Make sure to download The Donald’s new EP: Grab ‘Em By The Earhole. The president spits nothing but straight fire.
This was probably purchased for Eric Trump as his dad scrambled to make it seem like he hadn’t forgotten the major holiday. That’s probably why Eric can’t remember what we call the National Christmas Tree.
Not to be left out, Donald Trump Jr. probably received this domain as a consolation prize for his birthday. It’s almost as good as the real thing.
Did you know Trump legitimately wanted to be a Broadway producer? He helped produce a little-known flop back in the ‘70s when he was only 23. He never really got back into it, but the love still burns brightly in his presidential loins. As recently as 2006, Trump was in talks to produce a revue, using songs from the Irving Berlin catalog, called The Trump Follies. Just some fun trivia before this guy buries America.
Surprisingly, this doesn’t refer to the percentage of Americans that approve Trump’s impeachment. It’s actually in reference to how many people apparently approved of the now-defunct Trump University. 100 percent of graduates now disagree.
Huh. This is probably nothing. Move along.
Jordan Breeding is a current Paste intern who also writes for Cracked and the esteemed Twitter.