An in-depth examination of America’s First Daughter, Ivanka Trump, may at first seem alarming. Ivanka advertises herself as a voice for women, but everything she does and says directly contradicts that claim. From her willing participation in illegal nepotism to her conservative platforms to her spineless support of her father, Ivanka is far from the model feminist we’d hope to have in the White House. In fact, one might conclude that Ivanka Trump isn’t a feminist all—but for some fucking reason we desperately need her to be, so here are all the reasons why she is, actually!
Beep beep, there’s a feminist on the loose! That’s right: Ivanka Trump has a job, and that alone makes you a feminist, we’ve decided. We’ve also apparently decided that it doesn’t really matter what the job is, so long as she’s a woman who works—which reminds me, Ivanka also wrote a book cleverly titled Women Who Work! Because I am also a feminist, I’ll give her the full benefit of the doubt that she wrote it without the help of a ghostwriter or a lawyer.
It is actually very feminist to write a book, just like it is feminist to work in the White House, even if what you’re doing in the White House is telling your dad, “Sure, whatever,” when he floats the idea of stripping rights away from other women. Just imagine how chill she is about all this—another super feminist quality! You might be tempted to undervalue how coolly Ivanka behaves in the face of horror, but if you do, then we’re left with very little to work with. This way, Ivanka is just one silly Snapchat filter away from being full-blown #FeministGoals. Isn’t it more fun to be aggressively ignorant?
Wow! How feminist is it of Ivanka to be Jewish, let alone CNN.com’s “most powerful Jewish woman”? Pretty fucking feminist, thank you! If she was a Christian pushing her conservative morals, it’d be challenging to call her a feminist, but since she’s a converted Jew who still looks like an Anglo wet dream, we can sort of count that as rebellion and ignore her values in general.
At the very least, you must admit that it’s very feminist to hate the Holocaust and that’s a great starting point for Ivanka that we must celebrate. I’d prefer that we cut her some slack while she figures out some of the other stuff, like the wage gap and rape culture, and write as many pieces as possible about her bravery and ways that women can actually learn a thing or two from her!
She Loves Her Horrible Husband
It’s extremely brave of Ivanka to fight the stereotype of the man-hating feminist by being married to a man who most feminists hate. A real feminist knows how to say, “Fuck you!” and even though Ivanka is probably not allowed to use that language, it’s very feminist how she’s thinking it on the inside.
Sure, on the outside it looks like she loves a man who’s benefitted from her daddy’s influence and has colluded with Russian powers to increase his personal wealth and influence, but maybe the progressive thing for Ivanka to do in this situation is to be utterly complicit. Think about it this way: if we hold her to any higher of a standard, then she’s not a feminist, and we’ve arbitrarily decided that’s not an option.
She Makes It Through the Day
Any feminist knows that it’s not just sweeping inequality that makes life challenging for women, but also the daily slights and snubs that reinforce the patriarchy. No doubt Ivanka deals with this within the Trump administration, but despite proof that points to Ivanka’s comfort within the system or even the ability to make it work for her, I think we should shower praise upon her and imagine that she’s actually enacting a feminist agenda. The fact that she makes it through every day is proof that she’s a feminist if we really want it to be.
Hell, she probably carries her own money around! She probably doesn’t always let men open doors for her! Sometimes she maybe even tells her Dad “no” when it comes to very specific instances, like offering her cream with her coffee. Amazing! How many women a day do you think Ivanka calls a “bitch”?
Wow! Looks like Ivanka Trump actually is a feminist if you go to extreme lengths to redefine what feminism is. The reward is that we weaken the idea of feminism, but get to feel like only 99% of the current reigning administration is a disaster. Kind of worth it!
Nicole Silverberg is a comedian and writer. Follow her on Twitter @nsilverberg.