We were all hanging out at Zach’s place, just fuckin chillin’ and smoking and drinking but mostly chillin’. It was Easter weekend, so we were all home for the weekend. I guess you could say the boys were back in town lol. Anyway, everyone was talking about how gay (my cousin is gay so it’s chill when I say gay) Lent is and you said, “I can’t wait for Lent to be over so I can finally eat pussy again.” It was a good joke, but nobody heard you because you speak real soft instead of yelling. I’ve always told you you don’t yell enough. You can’t say I haven’t always told you that. Anyway, you looked around to see if anyone was laughing, and I saw the disappointment in your eyes. And I saw an opportunity. And the thing about opportunities, dude, is you have to take them. When the door opens you gotta walk through that door and then look for more doors and make sure you’re yelling the whole time. C’est la fucking vie. That’s French.
I cleared my throat and flexed, just like I always do before I speak, and I said, “Forreal, I can’t wait for Lent to be over so I can finally eat pussy again, haha yo.” I said it real fuckin loud, and it crushed. Everybody burst out laughing, and Emily, the one with the boobs, kept repeating, “I fucking can’t,” in between giggles. Jason high-fived me, and for the rest of the night, we did some sick callbacks by again saying, “Forreal, I can’t wait for Lent to be over so I can finally eat pussy again, haha yo.” It was funnier every time. Callbacks are key in comedy. I took a class once and if you say anything three times it makes it funny. It’s called the rule of threes. I have some other tips if you ever need. I could have been a comedian but I just didn’t have the time, you know? I had a great bit about how all women love brunch, and then I compare brunch to my dick. I’ll tell it to you sometime, it’s “magnifique.” French again.
I did feel kind of bad about it. Like maybe I didn’t deserve the credit. But that’s just me being too caught up in trying to be a good person. I have to catch myself sometimes and be like, “Dude, you’re too hard on yourself.” It’s important to cut yourself some slack. And the more I think about it, I did change the beginning and end of the joke by adding the words ‘forreal’ and ‘haha’ and ‘yo,’ so technically it’s my joke. It’s just a better version of your joke, really. Plus I said it louder, like I said earlier. Delivery is half the battle, if not the whole battle. My delivery was super solid. And loud.
Look, maybe I just feel bad for living such a blessed life. I’ve been thinking a lot about how privilege is a burden. It’s deep, man. The thing is, ever since I said that joke, things have really worked out for me. Emily, the one with the boobs, ended up going down on me the night I said your joke louder than you did. She was really impressed with the joke and my loudness, and now we are married and have three kids and five jet skis. All of our kids are named Bud, and our jet skis are named Pamela, Kim, and Dolly, Kid Rock, and Kid Rock. Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night because Emily, the one with the boobs, and now my wife, is whispering, “I can’t wait for Lent to be over so I can finally eat pussy again,” in her sleep. Then she wakes up screaming. We are very happy.
I’m working as a sports broadcaster over at ESPN, just like I always dreamed and knew I would. The interview for the job was going pretty poorly, but then I said the joke about eating pussy after Lent and we all laughed and laughed and laughed, and they told me the job was mine. Everything happens for a reason, and some things are just meant to be. That’s just the fucking truth. I fuckin’ love sports, man.
Remember in high school when I won “Most Loudest”? Like I said, this is my destiny. High school was sick. They always say the popular guys in high school peak before they graduate and turn into losers. But that’s not true, because like I said, my wife has boobs and I got my dream job and I could be a comedian if I really wanted. Life is what you make it, and I made the American dream. No one ever handed me anything. I’ve been budgeting my trust fund since I was 18, dude. You gotta be responsible. I love this country.
Look man, no one heard your joke. So really, I just said it louder so everyone could enjoy it. And now I’m doing great. Anyway, hopefully this is still your number. Give me a call back, would love to grab a beer and catch up. You been to the new Hooters? Peace.