I’ve never seen or read any of Game of Thrones, but I’ve heard my friends talk about it, so I think I’m qualified to publish my opinions. Even though I have no idea what the story is or where it takes place, and I have an even harder time keeping track of characters than actual Game of Thrones viewers, I’m pretty sure I know how the series is going to end. The following is a list of theories I have on how Game of Thrones will end.
1. The Wizard Wins
Courtesy of Shutterstock
There’s a wizard right? They probably have a beard and robes and stuff. I really understand the fantasy genre, and the wizard always wins. I hope they have a hat with stars and moons on it. I’m sure they do. No self respecting fantasy author would dare write a wizard without stars and moons on their hat.
2. The Last Script Is 500 Pages Describing Bacon Soaked Bread
Courtesy of Shutterstock
My friend Brian has read the books and I’m pretty sure the series is exactly the same as the books, right? Anyway, the books have lots of food in them. I bet the last script is 500 pages describing bacon soaked bread. It’d really honor George R.R. Martin’s vision. Hot Pie wins the game, and all the thrones.
3. Daenarys closes all the gates to Oblivion
After becoming the hero of Kvatch, Daenarys learns of the Mythic Dawn cult and their worship of Mehrunes Dagon. Daenarys infiltrates a cult meeting, but cult leader Mankar Camoran escapes through a portal with the Amulet of Kings. After a series of infuriating quests to find the necessary items to recreate the portal, Daenarys goes through the portal, confronts Camoran and kills him. Daenarys returns the Amulet of Kings to its rightful owner, and travels to Imperial City to confront and kill Mehrunes Dagon during which there was a series of mythological events I didn’t quite understand but that made for great gameplay- I mean, a great ending to Game of Thrones.
4. Jon Snow Stares Off Into A Dragon’s Eyes All Sexy And Then Kisses The Dragon Softly On The Lips. Do Dragons Have Lips? Yeah, I Think Dragons Have Lips.
Just because I haven’t seen the series doesn’t mean I haven’t seen 10,000 shirtless photos of Kit Harington. Also, one of those pictures is my desktop background. Also I drew a penis over his pants in MS paint. Anyway, I’m pretty sure he kisses a dragon softly on the lips in the end of the last episode. I may not have seen Game of Thrones but that isn’t going to stop me from writing 50 versions of Jon Snow kissing a dragon fanfiction. I’m gonna need you to comment on this article with 10,000 adjectives for scaly genitals.
5. Samwell Tarley Wakes Up, This Was All A Dream, And He Has Wet The Bed
Some of my friends who HAVE read or seen Game of Thrones theorize that A Song Of Ice And Fire was written by Samwell Tarley and he may have embellished a bit. But I think George R.R. Martin is more creative with his twists, and nothing is more creative than the “it was all a dream!” twist! Also, Samwell definitely wets the bed.
6. Bran Wargs Into His Own Butt
Now I have never watched Game of Thrones but I think I read about “Warging” on fetlife and it sounds like a fun and safe way to explore your sexuality. It’s also the perfect way to end Game of Thrones.
7. Mom Turns Off The TV And Says “We Are A Twin Peaks Family!”
Photo by Suzanne Tenner/Showtime
This is the best possible ending to Game of Thrones, and I’m pretty sure it’s exactly what’s gonna happen when I watch that final (and my first!) episode.
Thank you for reading my very accurate opinions on Game of Thrones!
Hana Michels is a comedian in Los Angeles.