I’m Conor McGregor and I’m here to announce my biggest bout yet. The people have been asking for this battle for quite some time. Stephen Hawking, the world’s most renowned living theoretical physicist, versus me, a man who can punch very hard. This won’t be a mixed martial arts match. It won’t even be a boxing match. For some reason, I’ve agreed to step very far outside of my comfort zone and go head-to-head against Hawking in a physics competition.
My representatives and I have signed all of the necessary legal documentation for a Showtime-broadcasted pay-per-view intellectual fight between Stephen Hawking and me. We’ve secured a venue: the Leifson Physics Building at the University of Nevada. I’ve also applied for a Nevada physics license, which I’m starting to think was a scam. Is there even a Nevada State Physics Commission? Oh, God. The guy who sold me the license was definitely a con artist. At any rate, Stephen Hawking, you better watch out. You are at the bottom of your game. I am coming for you with my scientific calculator and my basic understanding of what gravity is.
My fans have repeatedly asked me to enter the classroom against Hawking. This was always the logical next step for me. I conquered the world of fighting, so now it’s time to conquer the world of thinking. I predict that I’ll knock out Stephen Hawking inside of four rounds with my elegant physics solutions. He won’t see it coming. There’s no formula for Conor McGregor.
No disrespect to any single-specialty people out there, but if you’re not constantly jumping into new disciplines for which you’re wildly unprepared, then you are a coward. As soon as your lane on the motorway is moving well without any traffic in your way, you need to swerve like a lunatic into oncoming traffic. Stay out of your lane. That is what a true competitor does.
I’ve never taken a single physics class and I think magnets are just sticky pieces of metal. Is that going to stop me from squaring up against the greatest scientific mind since Albert Einstein? No! I got bored doing mixed martial arts and so it is now time for me to branch out into a field in which I have no business competing.
You know what, the more I think about this, the more I realize this is probably a bad idea. Hawking is going to rip me apart, isn’t he? I know nothing about physics. Physics isn’t something I can train myself to master in six months. Even if I had a doctorate degree in something tangential to physics, like mathematics, it’s not like I could just switch over to physics and compete against an undefeated physicist. This is a terrible idea.
What does a physics competition even entail? Normally, I break people’s faces for money. That’s my specialty and what I should probably stick to. In a physics competition, I guess I’m supposed to sit at a desk and calculate how fast trains go or something. Is that what physics is? Is it mostly train stuff?
Look, I’m a versatile and ruthless competitor. I would never pigeonhole myself into one specific field. But, maybe I shouldn’t have strayed so far away from the thing I’m best at. If I wanted to pivot from ultimate fighting, I should have started with something close to ultimate fighting, like arm wrestling or competitive tickling. A physics competition? What the hell was I thinking taking a swing that big?
I am simply not ready for this. I don’t think I could ever be ready for this. My lawyers are going to have to figure out a way to get me out of this bout. They’ll also need to cancel my upcoming tennis match against Serena Williams.
Bob Vulfov is a comedian and writer who lives in Brooklyn, NY. His website is way fancier than he is: bobvulfov.com.