Dear President Trump,
We heard your comments threatening North Korea with “fire and fury like the world has never seen.” A potential nuclear conflict with Pyongyang would lead to some devastating consequences for America and for the rest of the world. It is with that in mind that the American citizens would like to tell you, President Trump, that we all think you are a big, strong boy and you don’t have to prove anything to anyone by launching a nuclear attack.
It seems like nuanced diplomacy has not succeeded in persuading Kim Jong-un’s regime to tone down its rhetoric. We understand that you probably feel like you need to rattle your saber a bit and convey strength. Let us be the first to tell you, though: You are the biggest and strongest president we have ever had. You could beat up any of our other presidents. You looked so manly that day you sat behind the wheel of that 18-wheeler truck, gripping its steering wheel with your tough, powerful hands. You are the 18-wheeler truck of presidents. You are massive, sleek and overflowing with the cargo of masculinity.
Many senators, both Republican and Democrat, are denouncing your comments as bombastic and confrontational. They don’t think it’s very intelligent to introduce more unpredictability to an already dangerous nuclear standoff. Don’t listen to them! You don’t have to prove anything to your critics regarding your intelligence. Don’t press the red nuke button simply because you want to demonstrate how smart you are. Please listen to us when we say that everything you say and do is extremely smart. We think you are so darn smart. Your brain is massive and filled with the best ideas. Your mouth says the best words. Don’t wade into this significant conflict when your incredibly large intellect can be better applied to wandering the halls of the White House, doing puzzles and watching television.
After your comments, some folks in Washington are comparing your rhetoric and temperament to that of North Korea’s leader. That is absolutely ludicrous. Kim Jong-un is volatile and insecure, two things that you are very much not, not even a little bit. You don’t need to prove that you’re better than him. You are tenacious and even-keeled, like a truck, while he is small and pathetic, like a Prius. Forget about Kim. Sit back and have one of your White House butlers grill you up one of your favorite well-done steaks slathered in ketchup. You deserve it, for being such a big, strong and calm boy.
Breathe, Mr. President. Trust us when we tell you that we all think you’re so great. If you want to risk nuclear war just to take attention away from Bob Mueller’s investigation, you don’t have to do that! We all believe there was no collusion with Russia, even though all the evidence points toward it. You’re innocent! Many people are saying this! Please don’t just launch a nuke as a distraction!
Sir, please step away from the nuclear football and instead, pick up a regular football. You are such a gifted athlete. We believed Anthony Scaramucci when he said you can throw a tight spiral through a tire. In fact, we’ve hung a tire from a tree on the White House lawn for you. Why don’t you spend the rest of the day tossing perfect spirals through it? It’ll help take your mind off things and it’ll reiterate to everyone how incredibly athletic you are.
Gosh, Mr. President. You are such a big, strong boy and you have worked so hard these past 200 days. Even though you’ve presided over legislative failure after legislative failure, please know that we believe your tenure has been rife with accomplishments and smart thoughts. That is an indisputable fact. You don’t have to prove anything to anyone, so please don’t start a nuclear war just to do so. You are our big and strong boy.
Bob Vulfov is a comedian and writer who lives in Brooklyn, NY. His website is way fancier than he is: bobvulfov.com.