What do you do when you realize all your dreams have come true? — Coyote Ugly
I knew this would happen. Eventually, all of my most far-out suspicions would be rendered true. Ted Cruz, Republican Senator from Texas, tweeted out an image straight from the Zodiac Killer’s notebook.
Ben Sasse, another unspeakable Senator, recently spilled a Dr. Pepper on Ted Cruz. Someone asked him about it:
Sasse responded. Neil Hansen replied to him:
Sasse finally surrendered to the hijinks. The Senator referred to Trump's accusation that Cruz's father, Rafael Cruz, played a role in the Kennedy Assassination:
And then this happened:
I don’t know how to feel anymore.
The story of Ted Cruz being the Zodiac Killer has been a long-running theory on the Internet. It didn’t matter that the timeline didn’t work out, or that Cruz was in locations that meant he couldn’t be the Zodiac Killer. It didn’t matter that it was fake news. To use a phrase popular during the Bush Years, it had a truthiness behind it. It felt right. We knew it was correct, in the same way we all understand that Toy Story is real, even if Big Science says it isn’t. We believed in our hearts that Ted Cruz was the Zodiac Killer.
And now Cruz has seemingly admitted it. What are we to make of that? Is anything real anymore?
How strange it is to see your suspicions confirmed! Will all my most outrageous fantasies come to life now? Can I, in fact, be best friends with the cast from The Suite Life of Zack and Cody? Did my wishing make Ted Cruz the Zodiac Killer, or was he always the Zodiac Killer? I don’t know. At this point, does it even matter?
Friends, I have published a wide range of opinion on Ted Cruz. At my most critical, I have accused him of being a giant bag of vile centipedes, plotting revenge on the ape-race who rule this planet. At my gentlest, I have acknowledged he was a human male with a lust for hardcore pornography. Like you, I have the milk of human kindness in my gigantic heart, and I’m big enough to admit when I’ve messed up.
I was wrong. Not about Ted Cruz being the alleged Zodiac Killer, but in judging the man.
Now is the time for all of us to grow a little, to become bigger people—literally, and figuratively.
Now is the time for all Americans to unify around Ted Cruz, the apparently confirmed Zodiac Killer. Our biker gangs must shift their attention from protecting Barron Trump to safeguarding the apparent Zodiac Killer, Senator Ted Cruz. He must be given the full protections of the law. I must insist on this.
Speaking for Paste magazine, we pledge a new relationship with Ted Cruz, the conservative Senator who is also apparently a famous serial killer. From this day forth, all ads which mock the Zodiac Killer will be barred from this site. It’s our way of showing that we’re willing to extend the olive branch of friendship to Ted Cruz, who is apparently confirmed as a famous hunter of men.
I must reconsider my entire system of values, and my place in the world. I offer Ted Cruz the hand of friendship. I didn’t know what he was going through. Who knows what demons he was wrestling with? I wish he had shared his pain.
To quote from a movie that’s always spoken to me personally: “The unknown future rolls toward us. I face it for the first time with a sense of hope, because if a machine, a Terminator, can learn the value of human life, maybe we can too.”
To which I can only nod my head and say, “Hell yeah.” Ted Cruz—the apparently-confirmed Zodiac Killer—has shown this old Terminator that we’re not so different, after all. Maybe, just maybe, we can find a place of peace where all of us, Zodiac Killer and not-Zodiac Killer, can come together as brothers. Here on Earth, Ted Cruz’s work must truly be our own.