Wait, the Trump Administration is seriously not imposing any new sanctions against me and my fellow cartoonish villain billionaires? That can’t be right. I’m telling you, I spent lots of my nefarious oil and gas profits on political Facebook ads right before the 2016 election. I was like the Steven Spielberg of Russian propaganda. Except instead of Jaws, I directed a political ad where a woman in an “I’m with Her” t-shirt flushed a bunch of guns down the toilet and said, “I can’t wait for President Clinton to take all of our country’s guns.” My hands are stained with the blood of democracy. I’m happy to admit it! I’m laying my shady cards on the table.
During this past U.S. presidential election, I also paid a bunch of money for photoshopped ads that showed Hillary Clinton hurling puppies off a bridge. And I’m pretty sure the money trail is very clearly visible because I just popped the fees for those bad boys right on my MasterCard. I watched Zuckerberg’s lawyer give the billing paperwork to Congress back in October. I figured that was the nail in my financial coffin. You have me and various other Russian oligarchs dead to rights. We all charged those Facebook ads to our debit cards under our real names. Honestly, we were insultingly brazen about all of this. So why am I not getting sanctions levied against me? Folks, I think you’re making a big mistake. I totally did this stuff, so I should definitely face some sort of repercussions.
Look, I’m not going to beg you to disrupt my business and way of life. U.S. sanctions would completely stifle my ability to launder money through my many offshore accounts. More importantly, sanctions would stifle my ability to buy Fabergé eggs and rare white peacocks. But I also can’t just silently sit here and watch you not punish me and my fellow cronies for so blatantly injecting lies and chaos into the American democratic process. I mean, have some self-respect, for God’s sake. We undermined your democratic process by spreading a campaign of misinformation. The least you can do is make sure I’m no longer able to store my illicit billions in U.S. banks. What are you even doing?
I single-handedly spread the rumor that Hillary burned down Bernie Sanders’s house while screaming, “Do you feel the burn now?!” That was me. I did that with my ill-gotten oligarch profits. Are you really not going to punish me? What is wrong with you? Sure, I didn’t straight up tamper with U.S. voting machines, but that wasn’t for lack of trying. I hired my cousins Boris and Boris to travel to Michigan and Pennsylvania and hack a series of voting machines to turn Hillary votes into Trump votes. The whole thing was like a damn Coen brothers movie. Unfortunately, Boris and Boris walked into a Walmart and were so enthralled with the store that they called and told me they were quitting the operation. I haven’t heard from them since.
Seriously, please impose some sanctions against me. Doing all that election tampering and then not getting punished kind of feels like when you really want to sneeze, but your body isn’t sneezing for some reason. I can’t go on feeling like this! I really cannot stress to you how corrupt I am. I murdered a guy at my dacha last week and the police let me conduct the whole murder investigation. I was the lead detective and the judge, so I tampered with the evidence and then found myself not guilty. You need to impose some sanctions against me, even if it’s just a few sanctions. I won’t mind! Is anyone even listening to me? Hello?
Bob Vulfov is a comedian and writer who lives in Brooklyn, NY. His website is way fancier than he is: bobvulfov.com.