I am a voter in Virginia’s 5th congressional district and until recently, I was utterly lost and undecided regarding the upcoming election in November. When it comes to my voter profile, I’m a pretty simple individual. I like my bagel with plain cream cheese, none of that fancy flavored stuff. I enjoy humming Paul Simon tunes while I whittle on my porch and forget to pick up my son from soccer practice. My best friend is a horse.
I expect only a couple things from my elected officials: honesty and relatability. Also, if they have a campaign ad where they’re riding a horse, that’s pretty cool too. Looking at the two congressional candidates in Virginia’s 5th district, I found myself having a difficult time deciding which one should have my vote in November. The two candidates’ policies differ significantly, but neither candidate has really demonstrated the honesty and relatability I am seeking. Suddenly, though, when all hope seemed lost, a light of clarity shined down from above.
A Facebook post revealed that Republican candidate Denver Riggleman has a rich history with Bigfoot erotica. He’s even written a book called The Mating Habits of Bigfoot and Why Women Want Him. He sure seems like a fella who wants to have sex with Bigfoot. Wow. Never has a single piece of information revealed more about a candidate. Now, I know everything I need to know in order to cast an informed vote in the upcoming congressional election. There’s no doubt in my mind that I’ll be proudly voting for the Bigfoot pervert.
A man with an affinity for Bigfoot porn can’t possibly be tied to corporate interests and the agenda of others. No, this is a person whose mind is completely independent and wide-open. Once you dive into the surprisingly deep well of Bigfoot porn, you’re no longer beholden to big money donors. You have reached a higher plane of thought. You have eaten the forbidden fruit of Bigfoot’s nude body and his surprisingly well-defined six-pack. In short, you are an honest freethinker and are very likely to garner my vote.
As I imagine Denver Riggleman sitting in his house, firing up his search engine of choice to scour the Internet for some good old-fashioned Sasquatch smut, I only become more certain that he is the right candidate for me. There is nothing more relatable in a politician than having a dark secret. I have plenty of dark secrets I’d hate to be revealed. The horse best friend I mentioned earlier isn’t even my horse. It’s a totally different horse. If my horse Chestnut ever found out that he wasn’t my best friend, he’d be devastated. It’s a good thing Chestnut can’t read.
Now I know what you’re thinking. Shouldn’t I be avoiding Denver Riggleman altogether because he hangs out with nazis and Confederate sympathizers? I obviously do not support that kind of behavior. The problem is that I refuse to let a man—nazi sympathizer or not—be kink-shamed for his non-traditional sexual preferences. As such, I will be voting this November in the name of free thought and sexual expression. Just because this man rubs shoulders with white supremacists doesn’t mean he should be shamed in the media for wanting to rub much more than that with Bigfoot.
All in all, this seems like a pretty simple decision. Do I want to support the candidate who does not openly associate with white supremacists, or do I want to stand up for Denver Riggleman’s God-given right to be aroused by whatever bipedal, hairy myth he chooses? Come November, I will support the Sasquatch-enamored candidate. Unless the Democratic candidate releases a campaign ad in which she’s riding a horse. In that case, I’d vote for her.
Bob Vulfov is a voter in Virginia’s 5th Congressional District and a comedian and writer who lives in Brooklyn, NY. His website is way fancier than he is: bobvulfov.com.