The funniest thing I heard this week wasn’t actually a Tweet or a joke at a show. My wife and I were winding down for the night, enjoying a legal-in-California jazz cigarette and talking about our week. She confessed that because of how dark the news has gotten she’s taken a break from reading everything but her Google alerts about shark attacks. I said “but honey, you’re terrified of sharks. Why would you intentionally subject yourself to stories about an increasing number of shark attacks.” She replied, “I can’t do a damn thing about the world, but I sure as shit know how to not get eaten by a shark.” Happy birthday to my wife, Emily. Here are the funniest Tweets of the week.