Ten Hip-Hop Home-Improvement Companies

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According to the best press release we’ve received in some time, washed-up rapper Rob “Vanilla Ice” Van Winkle will soon debut a television show “focusing on his passion for home renovation.” Here is a teaser: “In this 10-episode series, Rob is ready for his biggest project yet—a complete overhaul of a six-bedroom and five-bathroom, 7,000 square-foot lakefront home in Palm Beach, Fla.”

This raises all sorts of questions. For instance, if you had a 7,000 square-foot mansion, would you entrust its renovation to a man who once wore a pair of inflatable pants in a sparkly American Flag motif? And also, wouldn’t it be funny if all the other rapping relics from the 1990s got into the home-improvement business? We think it would. And we freely offer these business concepts to any of the artists below. Dudes, CALL US.

Artist: Ice-T
Company: Crop Killer pesticide service
Slogan: “OG: Original Gardener”

Artist: House of Pain
Company: House of Paint
Slogan: “If you got the feeling, let us paint your ceiling.”

Artist: Tone-Loc
Company: Wild Thing exterminators
Slogan: “I need 50 dollar to handle this roach infestation.”

Artist: Sir Mix-A-Lot
Company: Anaconda Plumbing And Pipe Cleaning
Slogan: “My anaconda don’t want none of that nasty clogged drain.”

Artist: MC Hammer
Company: MC Hammertat For Humanity
Slogan: “U can’t touch this handiwork.”

Artist: Digital Underground
Company: Drywallhowyalike
Slogan: “People say you look like Trading Spaces on crack, Humpty.”

Artist:   De La Soul  
Company: Flower Power landscaping
Slogan: “Let us fill those potholes in your lawn.”

Artist: 2 Live Crew
Company: 2 Live Wrecking Crew demolition service
Slogan: “Pop that condemned structure.”

Artist: Ice Cube
Company: Amerikka’s Most Wanted Propane Replacement Service
Slogan: “Grill at will.”

Artist: Doug E. Fresh
Company: Doug E. Fresh Flowers
Slogan: “Delivered to your doorstep in six minutes, or Slick Rick will do your taxes for free.”

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