With the long-awaited season five premier of FX’s vulgarity-soaked laugh-fest, Archer, upon us (January 13th), what better way to whet the anticipation of both fan and neophyte alike than with some of the best quotes from the show’s superbly voiced characters. Now that you’ve filled out your paperwork in H.R., met the boss and one of our best agents, we might as well swing by and meet the rest of the staff…
With the amount of legitimate talent possessed by the bulk of ISIS’s workforce, it’s a shame they’re—to cite Pam—such “a chicken-shit outfit.” All of their abilities and skills are continuously undone by uncontrolled sexual appetites, substance abuse and behavior ranging from unethical to thoroughly criminal. (Well, maybe not Cheryl. There doesn’t seem to be any expertise to undo in that case.)
20. “Why is your instinctive response to run toward explosions?!” —Cyril
Cyril is often desperate to impress Lana through his attempts at trying to be a field agent but, being one of the saner people at the agency, his reaction to danger is far more sensible than that of the others.
19. “Clean the secretly gay for Lucas Troy out of your ears!” —Cheryl
It’s unclear how Cheryl has managed to keep her job, what with her contributing nothing to the organization outside of scaring everyone with her dangerous fetish, barely-controlled pyromania, and complete disregard of social cues.
18. “You can have these control tops! No wonder your mother is such a bitch!” —Ray
Acting as a decoy, Ray gets to literally walk a mile in his nasty boss’s shoes. And other restrictive garments.
17. “Well, he certainly doesn’t have cancer in his fists.” —Cyril
…He said, glad that this time he’s not on the receiving end of another of Archer’s beatdowns.
16. “For your information, Cyril Figgis knows how to beat the worm.” —Cyril
Cyril often speaks before realizing it only sounds impressive in his head. In this case, he’s talking about the company’s PCs being infected. Phrasing!
15. “The human body is basically a potato clock.” —Krieger
Dr. Algernop Krieger is the only team member of ISIS potentially more frightening than Cheryl, because he does demonstrate a staggering scientific intellect—just not when it comes to human anatomy. This is alarming, because the seed of a Nazi—and hardcore fan of RUSH and tentacle porn—is allowed to operate on living human tissue with startling regularity.
14. “I love that I have an erection that didn’t involve homeless people.” —Krieger
Never, ever engage him about what he does after work.
13. “Well… except for Randy Muckler, who, turns out, was just leading me on to get out of the draft, so I made a phone call to the draft board and now who’s laughing, Mr. Hooks For Hands?! …A booby trap blew his arms off.” —Ray
Ray’s bitter, vengeful memory tumbles out, no doubt owing to wayyyyy too much time spent working too close to Cheryl and Pam.
12. “I need access to a two inch drain, hot water, three GFCI outlets—this bathroom should do nicely—and a pot of coffee just like I like my women: Black, bitter, preferably fair trade. Oh, and your sauce needs less salt.” —Krieger
The good news: Most of those women were fair trade. The bad: Again, just don’t ask.
11. “What!? That’s like comparing apples to … Nazi oranges!” —Cyril
Easily the humblest and meekest at ISIS, Cyril’s primary role is to be constantly undermined by most everyone there. Cyril may be a crackerjack accountant, but that role doesn’t tend to garner him a lot of respect amongst his peers. So, Malory isn’t much swayed that he’s calling her out of her comparison of Dr. Krieger’s Nazi father to the fact that JFK’s father was a bootlegger.