With the amount of legitimate talent possessed by the bulk of ISIS’s workforce, it’s a shame they’re—to cite Pam—such “a chicken shit outfit.” All of their abilities and skills are continuously undone by uncontrolled sexual appetites, substance abuse and behavior ranging from unethical to thoroughly criminal. (Well, maybe not Cheryl. There doesn’t seem to be any expertise to undo in that case.)
10. “Careful, because in about three drinks you’re gonna get all ‘boo-hooey’ and ask me to pump a baby in you.” —Ray
As far as Archer knows, he’s exaggerating just to taunt Lana for being “baby crazy,” but Ray knows better. Unfortunately, she did keep drinking, again putting poor Ray in an awkward position.
9. “That’s our pee, and that’s the last I better hear about it, because this stupid building is a tinderbox, and I’m going to burn it to the ground.” —Cheryl
They all have no reason to believe she wouldn’t, either.
8. “Oh my God, I must have embezz…arassed myself last night, huh?” —Cyril
You can push Cyril too far, though. And he is legitimately good with the books. All it might take is one night of angry drinking to empty ISIS’s coffers.
7. “Good morning, floor. Good morning asshole smoke alarm! …And good morning, medical bills. Oh, and your friend, crippling debt.” —Ray
Despite being a damn fine agent in his own right, Ray has arguably suffered the most because of Archer, who has twice directly caused Ray to be confined to a wheelchair, which has made him a easier target for Malory’s withering, homophobic remarks. Having shaken off a redneck upbringing to become a champion skier and ace bomb defusal specialist, Ray can at least still fall back on being a minister and surprisingly good draftsman, overcoming substantial language barriers with his first-rate drawing ability. Still, it’s hard to not be bitter when one has a boss as callous and skinflint as Malory Archer, and a colleague who’s always recklessly endangering one’s life.
6. “His mind-brain is permanently rejecting his real identity!” —Dr. Krieger
It was probably difficult to translate from German, in addition to generally lacking in any knowledge of medical terminology.
5. “Please. If you really cared, you’d resign. But there’s no way you ever will, because you’re just counting the days until her face, bloated and yellow from liver failure, calls you to her death bed and, in a croaky whisper, explains that Mr. Archer is totally incompetent and that you, the long-suffering Lana Kane, are the only one qualified to run ISIS, and you weep shameful tears because you know this terrible place is the only true love you will ever know.” —Cheryl
Sometimes, though, she’s possessed with randomly uncanny insight and, even more worrisome, foresight. That gypsy woman she references often tends to be right more often than not.
4. “I’m sorry, are you talking to me? Because your authority is not recognized in Fort Kickass!” —Krieger
Mercifully, not all of his creations are horrifying. Some are just playfully childish.
3. “So … it’s gonna look like I’m leaving, but that’s only because I’m leaving.” —Ray
Ray does what most sensible people would after any amount of dialog with the sinister
Dr. Krieger, and it’s hard to blame him for not putting much effort toward an excuse after so many years.
2. “No, no no no. Like, a big, sweaty fireman carries you out of a burning building, lays you on the sidewalk and you think, ‘Yea, okay, he’s gonna give me mouth-to-mouth,’ but instead he just starts choking the shit out of you, and the last sensation that you feel before you die, as he is squeezing your throat so hard that a big wet blob of drool drips off his teeth and just ‘blurp,’ falls right onto your popped-out eyeball.” —Cheryl
It’s one thing to harbor disturbing fantasies—the mind is an active playground, after all—but it’s quite another to share them so guilelessly with one’s coworkers.
1. “THE TRAIN DWARF WAS REAL, AND HE LOOKED RIGHT AT ME WITH HIS DWARF-Y EYEBALLS!” —Cheryl
Thankfully, Cheryl isn’t entirely without her own fears, or she might otherwise be unstoppable.