25. Brendan O’Hare – @brendohare
Twitter Bio: Area boy. https://www.youtube.com/user/brendohare/videos
Best Recent Tweet: Just ONCE I’d like to see someone’s shirt get caught and ripped off by the wheel on Wheel of Fortune, revealing a pro-Jeopardy shirt
Runner-Up: If you are buying that Rudolph’s shitty little nosebulb can light up the entire night sky you’re living in a god damn fantasy world
24. Christmas Brandon – @untresor
Twitter Bio: Favstar
Best Recent Tweet: Being an adult is like watching your favorite toy get run over by a truck everyday and you’re the one driving.
Runner-Up: Sorry I’m late. I didn’t want to be here and had to force myself to do it and it took awhile.
23. Froghammer – @froghammer
Twitter Bio: If twitter is anything like real life, all my followers are cats and dogs
Best Recent Tweet: I’m a Cat Lawyer. Am I a lawyer who defends cats, or am I a cat who is a lawyer? That depends on how much you’re paying me
Runner-Up: My favorite food is ingredients
22. Neal Brennan – @nealbrennan
Twitter Bio: The Approval Matrix – August 11th on Sundance TV — Comedy special available here for $5 – http://direct.cc.com . Album on iTunes
Best Recent Tweet: You can get great Black Friday deals everyday if you shoplift.
Runner-Up: I have a real zest for not doing shit.
21. Matty Talks – @mattytalks
Twitter Bio: A Hooker with a Heart of Gold
Best Recent Tweet: Ladies, call me frequent flyer mile rewards because I’m blacked out during the holidays
Runner-Up: Sorry to be political, but to those of you who like cubed ice, have you heard of crushed ice? Open your damn minds
20. PicPedant – @PicPedant
Twitter Bio: Punctilious internet killjoy at the forefront of the New Debunkonomy. Obsessed with attribution & Photoshop. Your pedant: @brownpau.
Best Recent Tweet: It’s fake.
19. Lane Moore – @hellolanemoore
Twitter Bio: Stand-Up Comedian/Writer (The Onion, McSweeney’s), Sex & Relationships Editor @Cosmopolitan.com, Creator of Tinder LIVE! with Lane Moore http://facebook.com/itwasromance
Best Recent Tweet: “wow that’s crazy” = “i havent been listening to anything you’ve said”
Runner-Up: “let it go” —me talking to people obsessed with Let It Go
18. NYT Minus Context – @NYTMinusContext
Twitter Bio: All Tweets Verbatim From New York Times content. Not Affiliated with the New York Times. Follow @NYTPlusContext for context. NYTMinusContext@gmail.com
Best Recent Tweet: It was the mathematical symbols that got me. They got me good
Runner-Up: eating or perhaps just confused
17. lauren ashley bishop – @sbellelauren
Twitter Bio: i’m a comedian from arkansas. i live in LA. but i comede all over. avatar by @nataliedee http://favstar.fm/users/sbellelauren http://weakendupdate.tumblr.com
Best Recent Tweet: if i invented a drive-through pizza place with no eye contact would i be a millionaire tomorrow or would i have to wait a couple of days
Runner-Up: make sure you drink enough coffee to completely defeat the purpose of your anxiety meds!
16. wint – @dril
Twitter Bio: rat with human face given medal by world health organization
Best Recent Tweet: things 90s boys remember: vision of themselves in the future being violently ripped apart by unknown energy. that board game thats in a mall
Runner-Up: im the dumb mother fucker who puts the ice in after the drink and calls the soda fountain a “bastard” when it splashes at me
15. coffee dad – @coffee_dad
Twitter Bio: just a dad who loves his coffee
Best Recent Tweet: ready for #a coffee
Runner-Up: never too late for coffee
14. CF Wiki Club – @coolfreakswiki
Twitter Bio: From phantom time immemorial, Cool Freaks’ Wikipedia Club has been the purveyor of all that is cool and freaky in Wikipedia. Moderated by @DrWho42/@lavoie.
Best Recent Tweet: A male porcupine urinates on a female porcupine prior to mating, spraying the urine at high velocity. http://ow.ly/EfgqU
Runner-Up: One study found that 25% of Irish couples that started a relationship during 2007-2008 had met while smoking outside http://ow.ly/Efggj
13. Joshua Allen – @fireland
Twitter Bio: thighs like whoa
Best Recent Tweet: gotta get healthy [snorts kale dust] [injects soy smoothie between toes] [freebases cauliflower somehow] [dies] well great
Runner-Up: [reads comments] [closes laptop] [walks into volcano] [dies] [becomes ghost] [googles obituary] [reads comments] [howls into endless void]
12. Liana Maeby – @lianamaeby
Twitter Bio: Model/physicist/liar
Best Recent Tweet: Someone has known for 40 years that “You’re So Vain” is about him & he hasn’t told a soul. Which is about the most humble thing imaginable.
Runner-Up: You say rain is God crying, I say it’s Satan’s wet t-shirt contest.
11. Bryan Donaldson – @TheNardvark
Best Recent Tweet: If you squeeze both my barbed wire tattoos at the same time Monster Energy Drink squirts out of my nipples.
Runner-Up: “Here. You do it.” – gift cards
10. Ken Jennings – @kenjennings
Twitter Bio: Jeopardy! fixture of yesteryear. Author of the Junior Genius Guides and a bunch of other stuff. http://ken-jennings.com/books
Best Recent Tweet: 100% of kids who played drums in middle school band are now in jail.
Runner-Up: “I put the pho back in upholstery!” —me spilling pho in your car that one time
9. Michael DeForge – @michael_deforge
Twitter Bio: http://michaeldeforge.wordpress.com/
Best Recent Tweet: hi, i’m interested in fairly tales. but, like, twisted fairly tales, you know? like what if alice from alice in wonderland was a juggalo
Runner-Up: you can only choose one:
- well-paid but resented by your peers
- good skateboarder but two inches tall
- wicked abs but always on fire
8. Mike F – @animaldrumss
Twitter Bio: Im 23, I make stuff with wood and i come up with fun jokes and scenarios. I know most of the states and all of the meals http://www.patreon.com/animaldrums
Best Recent Tweet: “sorry, your other waiter had to leave, i’ll be taking over for him”
Oh word, cool… the uh, the other waiter said our meals would be free.
Runner-Up: augh yeah man. jack motherfuckass daniels. thats the good shit. ive had that brand of whiskey, and let me tell you pal: theres alcohol in it
7. Stephen Colbert – @stephenathome
Best Recent Tweet: Global warming isn’t real because I was cold today! Also great news: World hunger is over because I just ate.
Runner-Up: Just totally dominated a staring contest! I finished in the top two!
6. George Wallace – @MrGeorgeWallace
Twitter Bio: The Official George Wallace Twitter. Trying to serve it up with hot sauce for you. God bless.
Best Recent Tweet: Just sayin’, when the sh** goes down between turtles and doves, turtle doves are gonna have to pick a damn side
Runner-Up: We grew up so poor our Hobbit battles only had four armies.
5. Jake Weisman – @weismanjake
Twitter Bio: Comedian, Diva – Email me at JakeWeismanComedy@Gmail.com
Best Recent Tweet: You can find me in the club, asking everyone I came with if they are ready to leave yet
Runner-Up: Which weighs more: one ton of feathers or the fact that your existence is meaningless
4. ANDREW W.K. – @andrewwk
Twitter Bio: KING OF PARTYING. Hard rocking, Piano smashing, TV hosting, Motivational speaking, Self-help writing, Joy boy. Write to me here: TheKingOfPartying@gmail.com
Best Recent Tweet: PARTY TIP: Do something you’ve been scared of. Ask your crush on a date, quit your job, hold a spider – face a fear NOW!
Runner-Up: PARTY TIP: 93% of all things that make us nervous are things we should do more of.
3. Cohen is a ghost – @skullmandible
Twitter Bio: I love what you’ve done with yourself. Visit my store to discover products
Best Recent Tweet: add up the # of bukowski, brett easton ellis & palahniuk books on his shelf & multiply it by 7 to get the minimum miles away you should live
Runner-Up: “Guess we’ll have to agree to…kissagree,” I say, leaning in
2. Rob Huebel – @robhuebel
Twitter Bio: I give medicinal cocaine to baby animals
Best Recent Tweet: One of my resolutions next year is for you to brush your teeth before you talk to me
Runner-Up: Cyber-Monday is the day that Terminators can have sex with us for free or so my Terminator tells me
1. Bridger Winegar – @bridger_w
Twitter Bio: Here we are on our third date
Best Recent Tweet: As far as sleeping in a bag goes, you really cannot beat a sleeping bag
Runner-Up: Just once I’d like to see a kids’ animated movie initially advertised as “Not Yet Rated” and then end up being a hard NC-17