When we found out that Elizabeth Berkley is penning a self-help book for teen girls, we wondered what advice the star of Saved By the Bell and Showgirls would be passing along to the young ladies of the world. Alas, we’ll have to wait, as the book isn’t expected until next spring. Luckily, Berkley isn’t the first celebrity who’s decided she has advice for the masses. Below are a few excerpts from several other notable celebrity self-help books. We tend to agree with the Roger Ebert line of thinking when it comes to this sort of literature, but we think you’ll agree the following quotes make a Monday morning just a little bit easier:
Jennifer Love Hewitt, The Day I Shot Cupid: Hello, My Name Is Jennifer Love Hewitt and I’m a Love-aholic
“Why can’t there be four balls in a relationship and two of them be mine? Then, after the silent treatment, kicking him a thousand times in my mind and a movie, I realized something: My theoretical balls were taking away his chance to be the guy.”
Whoopi Goldberg, Whoopi’s Big Book of Manners
“Nobody wants to see your finger in your nose.”
Kim Catrall, Sexual Intelligence
“But how do we navigate the mysteries of sex? We say we are swept away, possessed and overtaken—all of which acknowledge the force of desire but never its logic. Is it possible to develop a kind of sexual intelligence, one that can deepen our pleasure and give us a greater awareness of ourselves?”
50 Cent, The 50th Law
“If you view everything through the lens of fear, then you tend to stay in retreat mode. You can just as easily see a crisis or problem as a challenge, an opportunity to prove your mettle, the chance to strengthen and toughen yourself, or a call to collective action.”
Jessica Simpson, I Do: Achieving Your Dream Wedding
“Setting the date for your wedding can seem, at first, to be the simplest thing in the world. But the truth is, setting the date can be as complex as an algebraic equation.”
Kirstie Alley, How To Lose Your Ass and Regain Your Life
“Will the real slim Kirstie please stand up? Please stand up? I needed to call OnStar to re-route my journey. I needed a spiritual and physical overhaul. A reckoning, so to speak—with my ever-expanding, unidentifiable flying object of a bottom.”
Jenny McCarthy, Belly Laughs: The Naked Truth About Pregnancy and Childbirth
“Bottom line: Brace yourself. The only silver lining to the horrific things I went through is that I can relay them here for your reading pleasure. You are going to hear me tell it like it is. Sometimes I’ll make you laugh and sometimes I’ll scare the shit out of you, but know this…I think it’s in your best interest to know the full range of strange things that might happen to you.”