Super Bowl and Oscars parties were just pregame for the main event. It’s time now for the major social event of the season: the Super Tuesday party, when we get to find out how our fantasy presidential picks turn out.
If you’re like most people, you’re only going to your Super Tuesday party for the social element, but you might feel pressured to contribute to an actual conversation about the election. In that case, don’t panic! Just remember that you read this article and pull it out from your pants pocket because you also remembered to print this out because this sentence reminded you to do that.
All you need to do is confidently utter these bon mots throughout the day and your friends will think you’re the biggest politics fan in the room!
“What is this, Idiocracy?”
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Apply this one throughout the day and it will always work. Be prepared with follow-up references to other Mike Judge films, though. Here are a few: “Why do we keep listening to these CNN workers? I mean, what is this, Office Space?” or “Is this an election or Beavis & Butthead Do America?”
“I heard Ohio will be important today”
If confronted with the fact that Ohio is not part of Super Tuesday, say that’s not what you heard and don’t back down. Show backbone. People will respect your confidence.
“I like politics, they are my favorite activity. My favorite politic is abortion, what’s yours?”
This is a great ice-breaker and should lead to a great conversation. The goal in the conversation is to solve the issue permanently. Anything less is abject failure.
“For [the losers], today will probably be known as ‘Blooper Lose-Day’”
Drop this sick burn as results come in. You could say this about Marco Rubio, Ted Cruz or even one of the Democratic candidates. As long as you have this zinger in your backpocket, whoever loses, you win.
“There’s only one Super Tuesday for me, and that’s the book Tuesdays With Morrie.”
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Reading books means you’re smart and this comment reveals your superiority.
“I used to be neighbors with Ted Cruz. He was a pretty good guy. Not the one running. Different guy.”
This is an interesting anecdote that shows you almost have a personal connection to today’s events. Even though it’s not true, how can they prove who all of your neighbors have been throughout your life? The important thing is you proved you know Ted Cruz is a candidate. You’re smart!
“Yes yes! No no! Buy buy! Sell sell!”
What’s the difference between politics and the Stock Market? Nothing. That’s what you’re saying with this. So say it loud and proud, baby.
“Everybody knows Super Tuesday is just a holiday made-up by the Super companies to sell you more Tuesday.”
This is actually a statement on the Koch Brothers’ involvement. Make sure to say “Koch Brothers” a lot today, too. Ask questions like “Well, have you seen what the Koch Brothers pulled in this year?” They probably haven’t because they’re ignorant.
“Did you know my biological grandfather is Neil Armstrong? He disowned my father when I was born.”
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Now you have a connection to one of America’s legendary heroes and also some inside dirt. People will think you know more than them and they will be attracted to you. Other people may not believe you and challenge you to a fight. If that’s the case, time to change the subject.
“Yum! Who made the American flag cake? Oh, the supermarket? I’ll have to get their recipe.”
This is something to say only if there’s an American flag cake. If there isn’t, then do not say this. You will look like a fucking idiot.
“Do you guys remember when Donald Trump hosted The Apprentice?”
This is a great reference. Heck, you could even connect his reality TV behavior to how he might act in the White House. Like, what do you think Donald Trump would tell ISIS? Maybe he’d say “you’re fired!” As fun as this riff could be, there’s an equally good chance people will find this observation old and tired and in that case, quickly excuse yourself to the bathroom. Ask yourself: What’s wrong with you? Why can’t you ever just get these social situations right?
“The votes are made up and the points don’t matter, Drew Carey just picks Ryan Stiles in the end.”
Our election system can feel rigged with superdelegates and Drew Carey’s erratic points-giving and this comment strikes right to the heart of it. Voting is a civic duty but you just took a shit over all of it. Speaking of which…
“Civic duty? More like ‘civic doodie!’”
Okay now it’s time to leave.
Follow Grant on Twitter.