We’re already missing the hell out of Christmas down here in Atlanta. There’s basically one good day a year and it’s now 364 days away. (Okay there’s potentially up to 14 other good days a year, depending on how the Dawgs do.) We’re missing Christmas so hard that we took an entire thirty minutes or so to relive the very recent past and track down that yuletide spirit on Twitter, a website created so brands can prove they’ve seen Adult Swim shows before. Here are the funniest tweets about Christmas 2017, which still sounds like a futuristic sci-fi holiday that will happen decades from now, and not the thing we just did yesterday.
Very happy to announce that everyone on Instagram with wealthy families and incredible teeth had a great Christmas
— Chris Scott (@iamchrisscott) December 26, 2017
Christmas is fun but if I wanted to celebrate the birthday of a person I’m not really close with I could have just stayed in LA
— Chase Mitchell (@ChaseMit) December 26, 2017
free line for any rapper workin on a very last minute christmas song: cold cold winter, hot ham dinner / eatin’ like a king on yule like brynner
— demi adejuyigbe (@electrolemon) December 26, 2017
Dear @realDonaldTrump how do you manage to make saying Merry Christmas feel like a dickish thing to do? I have never stopped saying it, but now you’ve ruined it. Happy Holidays you dumb fuck. https://t.co/ZK1wpS1dl5
— Dave Foley (@DaveSFoley) December 25, 2017
The only thing that I wanted, but didn’t get for Christmas is the understanding of why Anthropologie sells so many kimonos.
— Vanessa Ramos (@thatRamosgirl) December 26, 2017
A lot of conspiracy theories about why Assange’s account disappeared the night before Christmas but it’s pretty clear — Julian Assange is Santa.
— maura “are jack and biz nazis?” quint (@behindyourback) December 25, 2017
It’s crazy to think that the average European family has approximately 7 Christmas celebrations due to their polyamory
— Santa But Racist (@mattytalks) December 26, 2017
I hope everybody got what they wanted for Christmas, except for the handful of people I’d like to see dead
— Frankie Boyle (@frankieboyle) December 25, 2017
making eye contact with strangers at Target and putting them on a no-fly list if they don’t immediately say “merry christmas” to me in the bagged candy aisle
— Gideon Resnick (@GideonResnick) December 25, 2017
It’s tradition in my family for my husband to watch the Doctor Who Christmas special and for me and my mom to bond over what a dork he is.
— Kristen Bartlett (@kristencheeks) December 26, 2017
World War 1- Started when Frank Ferdinand was shot
World War 2-Americans got involved after the attack of Pearl Harbor
The Iraq War- started when two planes killed thousands of innocents
The War on Christmas- started when a guy at the office had to acknowledge his Jewish coworker— Mike Lawrence (@TheMikeLawrence) December 25, 2017
First Christmas I can remember not waking up in jail after wishing someone a Merry Christmas. Thank you @realDonaldTrump
— Chris Scott (@iamchrisscott) December 25, 2017
As a Christmas Present to all my trolls, I’d like to formally admit that I am part of a Globalist media elite paid by Soros from a network of Rothschild-controlled banks in an effort to undermine God’s promise of a white, Christian America!
— Bess Kalb (@bessbell) December 25, 2017
christmas check list:
??wake up
??drink coffee until im shaking
??wrestling match with racist uncle jeff, he smashes my head thru a table
??smoke half a joint with my stepdad rick in the garage
??drink one michelob ultra
??alright back to my room to watch family guy— eric turtle (@dubstep4dads) December 25, 2017
overdramatically refuses alcohol when asked to intentionally spark false pregnancy rumors at family christmas party
— mary houlihan (@maryhoulie) December 25, 2017
MERRY CHRISTMAS!
Just a reminder that we live in a country with elected representatives and a President who believe Israel should hold Jerusalem because according to the Bible, that’s the first step towards a holy war with Islam and the return of Jesus Christ.
MERRY CHRISTMAS!
— jules (@jules_su) December 26, 2017
Always have at least one friend who has any and all traces of Christmas completely wiped from their home on the morning of December 26th. That’s the friend you call when you need to make a body disappear.
— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) December 26, 2017
Merry Christmas to all my followers, except the ones in Scandinavia who are watching, like, a 24-hour Donald Duck marathon on state TV or something
— Ken Jennings (@KenJennings) December 25, 2017
Taking a knee anytime someone says Merry Christmas
— Hippo (@InternetHippo) December 25, 2017
Every Christmas I give Jesus Christ my eternal soul. Pretty cool gift.
— Allen Strickland Williams (@TotallyAllen) December 26, 2017
in case you were wondering if my dad still thinks society is collapsing, I got a knife, a Swiss army tool and some silver for Christmas
— ???? (@rachelmillman) December 26, 2017
Christmas is a really tough time of year for me if only for all the sincere texts I have to endure
— Jake Weisman (@weismanjake) December 25, 2017
So apparently The Passion Of The Christ isn’t a Christmas movie. My niece won’t stop crying.
— Hutch (@z0mgItsHutch) December 26, 2017
Christmas is almost over so you know what that means, it will be 364 days before we have to pretend eggnog isn’t a disgusting glass of bullshit.
— Tommytoughstuff (@Tommytoughstuff) December 26, 2017
It’s a common misconception that Jews eat Chinese food on Christmas, we’re actually just doing whatever the fuck we want.
— there was literally a war on hanukkah (@bizmichael) December 25, 2017
There’s a toilet at my grandmother’s house that you have to hold down the flush button on forever. I’ve been here since last Christmas just trying to flush once please send help
— pat tobin (@tastefactory) December 25, 2017
Within five years we’ll have a movie where “Die Hard” Twitter and “Carol” Twitter must come together to save Christmas.
— Louis Virtel (@louisvirtel) December 25, 2017