I follow a number of comedians on Twitter and also a number of comedy publications, so I think it’s safe to say I am generally kept abreast of comedy news, especially when you factor in PR emails and DM-slides with the latest hottest gossip. Which is why I think it’s reasonable that I do not follow @ComedyCentral, and why I have not, until a few days ago, taken a close look at the network’s timeline. Now that I have, I would like to say: How have none of you told me about this?!
Keep track of your charitable contributions, so at the end of the year you can rationalize being mean to a few people.
— Comedy Central (@ComedyCentral) August 31, 2017
The hardest part about being a parent is finding a suitcase that fits all of your kids.
— Comedy Central (@ComedyCentral) August 31, 2017
As best I can tell, there are two people running this account. One of them is your standard social media manager, posting gifs and clips and screenshots of the network’s properties, plugging upcoming programming and old gems:
#YoureARealAdultWhen you get a designated walker. pic.twitter.com/sKsGE1m32E
— Comedy Central (@ComedyCentral) August 30, 2017
The #DailyShow’s @roywoodjr makes the case for removing Confederate statues.pic.twitter.com/DuVeTYA9GB
— Comedy Central (@ComedyCentral) August 31, 2017
But then there’s the other person—or perhaps that first person’s alter ego, the Hyde to their Jekyll, the Peele to their Key—who appears to be an open mic comic:
Summer Camp Memories:
• kayaking
• arts & crafts
• so many friends
• finding that body
• keeping a secret
• arson— Comedy Central (@ComedyCentral) August 27, 2017
The ultimate measure of success is how many cellphones you have with you at all times.
— Comedy Central (@ComedyCentral) August 28, 2017
That might be unfair to open mic comics. I know some great open mic comics! Maybe the better comparison is your average circa-2013 Weird Twitter account:
A group of stairs is a flight, a group of fish is a school, and a group of drunk women is a bachelorette party.
— Comedy Central (@ComedyCentral) August 26, 2017
Who…
A piñata is a great way to show all the other inanimate objects who’s boss.
— Comedy Central (@ComedyCentral) August 25, 2017
…is this for?!
Sex is just a secret handshake with your private parts.
— Comedy Central (@ComedyCentral) August 25, 2017
Hey, Comedy Central: You don’t have to do this. You can tweet nothing but Detroiters gifs and I bet you’ll still edge out truTV in the 18-34 demo. (Also, please do more Detroiters gifs.)
But—but!—if you absolutely must tweet hack one-liners, I would humbly submit the Seth Simons Rule of Comedy Platform Twitter Accounts: every tweet must be at least as funny as the least funny comic on your network.
Celebrate America the right way. Watch #Tosh all night. pic.twitter.com/j394kNcA9H
— Comedy Central (@ComedyCentral) July 4, 2017
Does that seem too much to ask?