Well, the Electoral College has made it official. With President-Elect Trump’s inauguration looming, the internet has been abuzz with speculation: who will be willing to perform? And apparently, Trump’s team is wondering the same thing, after reports surfaced from unnamed talent bookers that members of the Trump team had offered them ambassadorships in exchange for A-list talent. Now, that might seem like a shallow, disgusting, pathetic, scum-sucking move that should disqualify anyone for public office. But those of us who are real big-time fancy movers-and-shakers in the entertainment industry, we know that’s just the cost of doing business. With the usual slate of liberal performers out of the question, there’s a whole new world of possibilities for who might take the stage at the inauguration. Here are our favorite picks.
Remember that part in Mr. Holland’s Opus where Richard Dreyfuss sings John Lennon’s “Beautiful Boy” for his deaf son while signing the lyrics and it’s really sweet and everyone either chokes up or fully cries? That’s what I’m thinking, but the opposite of that. Eric Trump could sing basically any standard song used for daddy-daughter dances at weddings, and it would bring the house down. “My Father’s Eyes,” “Always Be Your Baby,” “How Sweet It Is (To Be Loved By You).” Hell, go crazy, get Ivanka up there, pull a Frank and Nancy Sinatra by having father and daughter sing “Something Stupid.” But based on the rich baritone I assume Eric has, I still think he’d be the best of the immediate Trump family members to perform.
I have a reccurring fantasy that one day at a party I’ll step in and pretend to live DJ with turntables and stuff, but really I just Spotify’d Feed the Animals. Basically I think Trump should do that. Himself. There are lots of layers to this, so let me break it down. We already know the Trump family has no problem for taking credit for other people’s work, so having him spinning tracks from an album made up entirely of excerpts from other musicians as if it’s his own mashup would… be…. pretty great.
Hear me out. This may sound like a desperate fan’s attempt to restore some measure of relevancy to one of a 90s rock band’s least essential mid-2000s albums, but I’ve thought a lot about this. Written during a sweet spot when Rivers Cuomo was either adopting an experimental character or losing his mind, the Red Album perfectly articulates some of the megalomaniac tendencies Trump’s been trying to display for us in his own special way. Just look at lyrics from “Troublemaker” (“Who needs stupid books/They are for petty crooks/And I will learn by studying the lessons in my dreams” or “Cause I can’t work a job/Like any other slob” or “Marrying a biotch/Having seven kiods”) or from “The Greatest Man That Ever Lived” (“Tryna play it cool like you just don’t care/But soon I’ll be playing in your underwear” or “After the havoc/That I’m gonna wreck/No more words/Will critics have to speak”). By the time Rivers speaks that “Are You Lonesome Tonight” bridge, the evidence is overwhelming. Plus they just got nominated for a Grammy for their most recent album. It’s actually really good, guys.
For those of you who didn’t spend your childhood dressed as Odysseus because your uncle once showed you VHS of the Armand Assante TV movie of The Odyssey where a dude get’s graphically eaten by a sea monster in like the first five seconds and then Greta Sacchi masturbates using the ocean, the Sirens are monsters in the form of beautiful women who lure sailor’s towards their island with song only to sink their ships and devour them. I’m pretty sure Trump isn’t familiar with The Odyssey, since he certainly isn’t aware of Greek words like “hubris,” “ethos,” or “democratic.” But the Sirens would be a good pick for Trump supporters (who don’t mind the ogling/demonizing of women) and Democrats (who don’t mind steering the party into obvious avoidable disaster).
Louis C.K. Eric Stonestreet. Kevin Hart. Jenny Slate. Albert Brooks. Dana Carvey. Hannibal Buress. Bobby Moynihan. Steve Coogan. These are just some of the amazing movie and TV stars who absolutely won’t be appearing at the inauguration. BUT, you could get the next best thing by having the CGI animals played by this all-star cast kind of wander around stage silently with, like, holograms, or whatever they use to let Pixar characters present Oscars. Who needs real live celebrities when you can have Max, the Jack Russell Terrier, Duke, the shaggy mongrel, Snowball, the white rabbit, Gidget, the white Pomeranian, Tiberius, the curmudgeonly red-tailed hawk, Pops, the basset hound, Buddy, the dachshund, Mel, the pug, and Ozone, the sphinx cat. I like animals.
Kañe doesn’t get much play here in the states, but if Donald Trump is going to make nice with the millions of Mexican-Americans he insulted over the course of his campaign, a good first step would be to invite Mexico’s biggest rap sensation to perform at his inauguration. Then again, Trump’s relationship with Kanye West (the American Kañe West) seems to be steadily improving, despite Kanye’s close ties to many of the liberal performers who are off the table to perform at the inauguration in the first place. So we may get him after all. But that would be a real shame. Kañe’s career is juuust hitting its 808s & Heartbreak phase, and hasn’t gotten nearly as tiring.
The Alt-Right is the next big thing. They combine the political idealism of the Nazi party with the undercut hairstyles of the Nazi party. They could get up on there and sing songs about safe spaces, or protest Rogue One, or maybe just share some of their favorite memes. It’s their big day. Plus, considering the possibilities of getting the actual most well known men’s choir to perform are pretty slight, this may be a good compromise.
The common man is the real victor in the 2016 election. Finally, a man who lives in a scary tower is in the White House, and this can only be good for average, hardworking, Americans who carry around two spoons just in case. All of America would cheer to see a be-spooned man slowly trudge up the steps to the inauguration stage in his oil-man hat or cranberry-farmer pants, nodding politely to the assembled dignitaries. Whether he drums the two spoons against his knee rhythmically or simply waves them in the air, the crowd will roar and Trump will be welcomed into Washington with the authentic sound of rugged American individualism.
Sexual assault allegations are the one thing republican politicians and ultra-liberal Hollywood entertainers can get together to celebrate. When you think about it, the inauguration should really be about everyone coming together to celebrate what America is really all about: Getting away with horrifying shit. Paul McCartney and Stevie Wonder’s anthem of self-empowerment sung by two Oscar-hopefuls/protected celebrities would be perfect for what is sure to be a celebration of Supreme Leader Trump’s greatest hits.
Sometimes the inevitable solution is actually the best solution. Yes, Ted Nugent may be the only performer actually willing to perform at Trump’s inauguration. But, from the Amboy Dukes, to Damn Yankees, to Damnocracy, the heavy-metal supergroup formed exclusively for VH1’s hit seven-episode series Supergroup, Ted has proven himself to be not only an A-list performer on the level of Jay-Z, but also an A-list patriot. I don’t see the problem here.