Are you worried about your safety and survival under a Trump presidency? Petrified of living under a literal fascist? Afraid of having to serve Steve Bannon his Hickory Ham and Cheddar Hot Pockets in a confederate flag bikini? Are you just not white? Here are some tips for surviving in the new America. Be sure to write them down before this article is removed and we are sued because President Trump “opened up the libel laws.” We will get through this together. Remember, the world might be coming to an end but, like, Hillary emailed some shit, so it’s cool.
1. Guy Fawkes masks are $1.99 and nobody believes a person of color would wear them.
2. Get a TOR router to hide your internet encryption for anytime you want to tweet “Trump Bad And Stinky” to your 12 followers.
3. If you’re going to have an abortion, there’s no time like the present. Like, specifically, right now.
4. If Newt Gingrich drags you into the Un-American Activities Committee tell him you did it because you had to shit in your big diaper. He’ll understand.
5. If someone spray paints a swastika on your door you can easily turn it into an ad for the ‘80s musical Chess.
6. Wow that reminds me did we just lose the New Cold War ha ha oh well.
7. Consider turning your basement into a trendy bunker to hide your Muslim American friends! And remember, people hiding from fascists love Super Nintendo!
8. Start pissing on random buildings so the enemy thinks you’re one of them. Masturbating next to a pregnant woman at a Dinesh D’Souza movie helps too.
9. If you have PTSD and keep picturing Donald Trump grabbing your pussy, imagine him in a funky wizard hat.
10. Since they just watched a rapist become president, start prying little boys’ eyes open and making them watch Steven Universe, Clockwork Orange style.
11. The only Latino American who isn’t in danger of getting deported is George Lopez. President Trump thinks he’s hilarious.
12. Military surplus vehicles aren’t just for overzealous cops anymore! Every taco truck needs to be a tank now.
13. Hey guys. Get ready for a lot of Facebook arguments over whether or not slavery is good or bad. And how big Jews’ dicks are.
14. Write your your college paper on how tasty Donald Trump’s dick probably is.
15. Throw out your copies of Kurt Vonnegut and Roxanne Gay and replace them with Build A Better Life By Stealing Office Supplies by Scott Adams. Dogbert is stealing paper clips on the cover!
16. The only reason to learn Spanish now is to understand Jeff Dunham’s chili pepper puppet.
17. You know how Brenda makes you and your girlfriends go to her Yankee Candle/sex toy selling parties? Consider making it a hysterectomy party instead!
18. Liberal campuses are under attack, so try to go to one of those colleges that exclusively has classes about Harry Potter and Buffy.
19. Becoming a white man who is angry at the concept of his daughter dating is a very wise course of action in the coming years. As the first man in her life, standing behind your child with a shotgun will have a profound effect on her sexuality and will bolster your country.
20. If you’re gay instead of kissing your husband in public call them the F word but extra sensually so only he knows.
21. Clean out that board game closet: soon Trump The Game will be the only one anybody can own.
21. Nobody’s gonna wonder if that lady inside the furry costume is trans.
23. Blend in by changing your name to something very American, like Nazi Von Hitlerton
24. File down your Jewish nose into a more acceptable Voldemort hub.
25. Be there for each other. Sometimes we can get lost in our own heads and our own needs, but be there for people, whether they’re hurting or whether they just need a seat on the bus. In a world filled with hate we have to be there for each other. Also, Eric Trump looks like a penis learned to talk but forgot to have a jaw, right? See you all in prison!
Hana Michels is a comedian in Los Angeles.
Alex Firer has written for The Onion, Splitsider, Funny or Die and more. He’s on Twitter @AlexFirer.