This week was an extravaganza of absurd news from the “straight pride” parade to the President getting greeted in England with a statue of him take a shit while Tweeting. However, we’re starting our roundup this week with something a little out of the ordinary. Normally the funniest tweets of the week are jokes by the comics sending the tweet. But this time around we’re featuring a tweet that showcases a brilliant joke from Dan Ronan, a Chicago comedian who passed away far too young. This week was the five year anniversary of his death, and his memory lives on. If you enjoy the joke, we know you will, click through to see some of Dan Ronan’s other bits.
Otherwise, we’ve got another collection of the best quips, goofs, and gags from the past few days. Enjoy the week and make sure to give us a follow at @Paste_Comedy.
It’s amazing that Dan left behind so much great work, given that he died at 24. Here he is doing his favorite thing (stand-up) at his favorite place (The Lincoln Lodge) pic.twitter.com/shBZmlugdz
— Joe Kwaczala (@joekjoek) June 6, 2019
I synced up watering my cactus with my friend’s “My baby is ___ months old” Instagram updates, so I should be able to keep this one alive for at least two years.
— Katrina (@katrinasivad) June 5, 2019
If Jesus was hung instead of crucified, would Christians just wear the necklace?
— whitecotton (@whitecotton) June 2, 2019
The news cycle is so fucked up a guy lit himself on fire on the whitehouse lawn like 4 days ago and no one even noticed that shit
— Jake Flores (@feraljokes) June 3, 2019
Looking through royal banquet photos led me down a rabbit hole of The Duke of Kent arriving to events pic.twitter.com/2tc2ttwx8q
— Honeydew Wilkins (@HoneydewWilkins) June 3, 2019
White people, quick question:
Do yall sometimes see something racist and you just feel embarrassed to be a white person?
I’m asking because I’m watching Straight Pride Parade trend and I honestly think I can relate.
— Deon (@imnottayediggs) June 4, 2019
Fave float in the Str8 Pryde Parayde is one with a bunch of guys forcing their girlfriends to watch Bloodsport while she texts another dude
— Tawny Newsome (@TrondyNewman) June 5, 2019
You do realize that there are only scale models of the Enterprise??? https://t.co/kCRY1R1ICb
— William Shatner (@WilliamShatner) June 4, 2019
Trust me, when you’re feeling depressed the best remedy is to put on music, go for a run, and change every aspect of your social and socioeconomic status over 8 to 12 years
— Zack Bornstein (@ZackBornstein) June 5, 2019
Just walked thru a bar where people were having fun and dancing to the back where there was an open mic and a man saying “I have no job, no friends, no place to live” to dead silence
— claire (@SorryDontClaire) June 5, 2019
Everyone always jokes that women are obsessed with shoes but my female friends aren’t the ones posting 6 sneaker insta pics a week.
— mark normand (@marknorm) June 3, 2019
if you’re feeling down on your luck when it comes to dating, just remember Jerry Seinfeld didn’t get a high school girlfriend until he was 35
— Jeremy Kaplowitz (@jeremysmiles) June 4, 2019
THE CIRCULATION OF CAPITAL AS A WHOLE pic.twitter.com/bj84O11kfd
— David Harvey (@HumansOfLate) June 6, 2019
To the next person who drops me off at the airport and tells me to have a safe flight: If I say “you too”, you’re now going on the trip with me. I’m done feeling awkward and I always need a travel buddy.
— Solomon Georgio (@solomongeorgio) June 6, 2019
I just remembered the vice principal at my high school tried so hard to catch the school weed dealer and never did. Which is crazy. It would be like if you tried to catch the zodiac killer and you were surrounded by people who saved him in their phones as John (Zodiac Killer)
— Moss Perricone (@mossperricone) June 5, 2019
moved a lot of benches for this pic.twitter.com/t9t4JfcB4o
— whitmer thomas (@WhitmerThomas) June 5, 2019
Every morning I wake up n think, which of my three brands will I choose to wear out on the internet today? “Mentally ill but not in the way people would ever want to romanticize”?
“I’m 23 and horny”? “Tweeting about sobriety while currently on drugs”?— corie johnson (@corietjohnson) June 3, 2019
Twitter is a beautiful place where you can watch people who didn’t text you back complain about ppl who didn’t text them back
— Brodie Reed (@ayobrobro) June 6, 2019
WILD HELICOPTER RESCUE: Firefighters say a 74-year-old woman had to be flown off of Piestewa Peak this morning after she suffered an injury while hiking.
STORY: https://t.co/H4HavJnsgnpic.twitter.com/2FPQR0qiZ9
— FOX 10 Phoenix (@FOX10Phoenix) June 4, 2019
today i heard a street performer say “i mean where are the ugly people? i haven’t seen an ugly person all day” and then a few women cheered and he said “ahhh, there you guys are.” lol savage
— Alyssa Limperis (@alyssalimp) June 5, 2019