If you were an actress on an ABC sitcom that aired at some point in the 1990s, apparently the easiest way to get back in the news is to bribe college officials to let your undeserving kids get into school. I mean, duh.
The internet still won’t shut up about Felicity Huffman and Lori Loughlin being among the 50 people charged in an investigation into affluent parents who cheated and bribed their children into elite colleges. Huffman was arrested earlier today on charges of conspiracy to commit mail fraud and honest services mail fraud, and Loughlin will be turning herself into authorities in Los Angeles later today. Loughlin’s husband, the designer Mossimo Giannulli, was also arrested, along with 30 other parents, nine college coaches, two SAT/ACT administrators, an exam proctor and a college administrator.
At the center is a man named William Rick Singer, who ran a company called Edge College and Career Network, and who faces up to 65 years behind bars for various charges of fraud. Under the guise of a non-profit company that helped students with their college admissions, Singer would pay to have SAT and ACT tests retaken or scores changed, and also for students to be accepted through athletic programs in sports they didn’t actually play. He’d charge parents exorbitant sums for his work. Basically rich people paid him a ton to bribe and defraud their kids into colleges they couldn’t otherwise get accepted to.
The list of impacted schools includes Yale, Stanford, the University of Southern California, Wake Forest, Georgetown, UCLA, and more. It’s a big, glaring example of how patently unfair society can be—all it took for these students to get into top schools were parents with lots of money and a network of people willing to commit white collar crime. If their parents were any smart, they would’ve just taken the traditional route and bribed colleges to accept their children by making huge donations directly to the school.
Okay, let’s back up. Yes, I realize Felicity Huffman is more than just a star of an old sitcom. She has an Oscar nomination! She was one of the Desperate Housewives! She’s married to William H. Macy, and together they get to do cute couple-y things on the Emmys red carpet every year! Yeah, you might expect Aunt Becky to get wrapped up in something like this—Loughlin’s biggest non-Full House roles were Rad, Back to the Beach and a long list of one-off guest roles on network shows. Of course I wouldn’t expect Loughlin, or Huffman, or any other rich person to actually get arrested for doing this—it seems like the kind of thing that’s just sort of expected to happen. And how often do rich people get arrested, anyway? Rich people don’t earn things, they just buy them—like Trump and the presidency, and his children’s college educations, and Jared Kushner’s time in Harvard, etc. The lesson here is that there’s a right way to bribe your undeserving child into a top school and a wrong way, and unfortunately for them Huffman, Loughlin and dozens more picked the wrong way.
But anyway: Twitter. Yes, predictably Twitter loses the ability to talk about anything else when actresses and sitcom stars get arrested for such a tacky, embarrassing reason. Our official @Paste_Comedy scroll has been a non-stop, self-replicating series of jokes about Loughlin and Huffman and Full House and college, some of which have actually been funny. Here are the best of the lot. And remember to follow all of the people whose work is embedded below—they all make Twitter slightly more tolerable than it otherwise would be.