I watched some of today’s impeachment hearings. I had some opinions about it. A lot of those opinions were best expressed by people I don’t know on Twitter. Here are a whole bunch of those?
I find it increasingly impossible to expect any good to ever come out of politics in this country. The Republicans might represent a decreasing percentage of Americans, but the nature of this system ensures that they’ll still make up close to 50% of all elected officials. And with the party shedding whatever vestigial responsibility it might’ve felt to this country, its constitution, and the rule of law—while also successfully building a massive multimedia apparatus whose sole job is misleading its audience and preserving the party’s power—we’re basically dealing with a system that’s become fundamentally disingenuous and self-serving. Yeah, things have always been bad, and I fully remember the abject misery of the George W. Bush years, but all that terrible business was leading up to one end result, which is this current Trump Administration. It’s an openly lawless presidency that has retained the full, unflinching support of its shameless party and most of a voter base that is impossible to reason with. Nothing will become of these hearings, no matter how open and shut they are, no matter how damning the evidence is, unless the Republican party does what is literally unthinkable today and hold Trump accountable. The whole thing is sad and stressful and simply not funny.
So hey, here are some jokes.
If you can’t joke about the most depressing, deflating, defeating topics, what’s the point of joking about anything? I think I learned that in a class somewhere. (Could be in the Bible?) Here are some tweets that, when separated from the soul-sapping malaise we’re all currently drowning in, are actually kind of smart or funny or even both. Let’s read over them, one by one, while we wait for whatever bit of ignominy is coming down the Trump turnpike next.
This new political show on Disney+ where they’re trying to impeach the president is very realistic.
— Albert Brooks (@AlbertBrooks) November 13, 2019
I don’t envy the person in charge of jingling a set of keys to distract Trump from tweeting all day. They should probably take turns and jingle in shifts. #ImpeachmentHearings
— The Volatile Mermaid (@OhNoSheTwitnt) November 13, 2019
the Impeachment Hearings is like watching Wheel of Fortune where the puzzle is completely solved but contestants keep guessing letters
— Matt Oswalt (@MattOswaltVA) November 13, 2019
Absolutely disgusting that the Democrats set an impeachment trap for the president by just sitting and waiting for him to commit a completely unnecessary crime
— Jess Dweck (@TheDweck) November 13, 2019
Warning: If someone doesn’t do an “Impeachment figures as characters from LOST” thread in the next 24 hours that responsibility will fall to me.
— Chris Scott (@iamchrisscott) November 13, 2019
this dude behind ambassador taylor looks like he’s about to rat out the dead poet’s society pic.twitter.com/5gBda2WpiH
— Lupus Haas (@Mobute) November 13, 2019
Adam Schiff graduated from Harvard Law School.
Devin Nunes is suing someone pretending to be his cow.#ImpeachmentHearings
— Nick Jack Pappas (@Pappiness) November 13, 2019
savvy of schiff to only call witnesses that have soothing, authoritative voices, bad news for republicans whose only witnesses are a screech owl, jared kushner, and one of those machines designed to keep teens from loitering by playing a noise so high only young people can hear
— Erin bill taylor’s voice Ryan (@morninggloria) November 13, 2019
On one hand, Adam Schiff is presenting a sober narrative backed up by sworn testimony.
On the other hand, the website where I buy my vitamin supplement, Alpha Testosterone Rager, says Hillary Clinton is a Satanist who did Benghazi.
So I’m on the bubble. #ImpeachmentHearings
— Rex Huppke (@RexHuppke) November 13, 2019
this seems to be going well pic.twitter.com/ckX5tW0tVt
— Dave Itzkoff (@ditzkoff) November 13, 2019
I guess Trump University had a law school.
— andy lassner (@andylassner) November 13, 2019
Fox News Headline Tonight: Trump’s Machinations Not Outlandish
— Sam Seder (@SamSeder) November 13, 2019
“Here is ironclad evidence that the President committed crime, undermined US interests, destabilized the world, and grossly broke his oath of office.”
REPUBLICANS: huNtEr bIDeN
— Mikel Jollett (@Mikel_Jollett) November 13, 2019
It is bad that documentaries on the Watergate Hearings only show sharp interesting questioning by the ultimately heroic figures rather than boring dumb questioning by dopes just trying to keep Nixon in office at all costs because it allowed us to forget how many of them did it
— BILL OAKLEY (@thatbilloakley) November 13, 2019
— Ken Tremendous (@KenTremendous) November 13, 2019
Yes! This is exactly why in America we should not prosecute murders if we think the trial will be boring. https://t.co/ODh5sMaQ2R
— Eugene Mirman (@EugeneMirman) November 13, 2019
It’s very funny to hear a lawyer explain in very serious tones that “the President was concerned…” Concerned? my dude doesn’t do ‘concerned’ he does ‘lie brag’ and ‘shit fit.’
— Gabe Delahaye (@gabedelahaye) November 13, 2019
my current theory is that Jim Jordan DOES wear a jacket but other congressmen steal it every morning because they hate him & they want him to look like an idiot.
— Drew “EAT THE RICH” Schnoebelen (@Dschnoeb) November 13, 2019
Ambassador Taylor looks at Jim Jordan like Jordan’s a dog they taught to play a harmonica.
— Tea Pain (@TeaPainUSA) November 13, 2019
Thinkin’ of payin’ extra for Impeachment+.
— George Wallace (@MrGeorgeWallace) November 13, 2019
However you feel politically, I think we can all come together as a people and extend our sympathies to the muscles trying desperately to keep Rudy Giuliani’s eyeballs in his skull today.
— Bess Kalb (@bessbell) November 13, 2019
the only good thing about jim jordan is that every day it looks like his diseased spirit is poisoning his body a little more
— Lupus Haas (@Mobute) November 13, 2019
As is his tendency when someone reports a crime https://t.co/osYZ15UIQL
— Ben Wexler (@mrbenwexler) November 13, 2019
TURNER: Ambassador Taylor, can you prove that it’s impossible to build a time machine?
TAYLOR: No I can’t.
TURNER: SO YOU ADMIT THAT IT’S POSSIBLE CHELSEA CLINTON TRAVELED BACK IN TIME TO FABRICATE ALL THIS EVIDENCE?!
— Daniel W. Drezner (@dandrezner) November 13, 2019
The number of people who are securing their “Died on a hill for Donald J. Trump” tombstones today is staggering.
— andy lassner (@andylassner) November 13, 2019
I don’t know if we can trust Ambassador William Taylor. He didn’t bring up how much he liked beer, not even once!#ImpeachmentHearings
— Michael Tannenbaum (@iamTannenbaum) November 13, 2019
Writing in a cafe in Hollywood. They have the impeachment hearing on a big TV, full volume. Jeremy Piven came in, sat down, ordered a granola bowl, and starting yelling answers at the screen. Then he finished his granola and left.
— Karina Longworth (@KarinaLongworth) November 13, 2019
Look kids, I’ll watch the impeachment hearings or I’ll watch The Irishman, I ain’t doing both.
— billy eichner (@billyeichner) November 13, 2019
Democratic Congresspersons all look like they answered a casting call for former student body presidents & Republican Congresspersons all look like they rolled off of a 7-11 hot dog cooker, came to life & immediately got arrested for squeezing a woman’s buttcheeks on the subway.
— Wendy Molyneux (@WendyMolyneux) November 13, 2019
UPDATE: The Congressman who sued a fictional cow would like to stop the impeachment hearings until Democrats allow him to investigate all his conspiracy theories
— Judd Legum (@JuddLegum) November 13, 2019
A fun thing I’ve learned from Republicans is that I can try all the crimes I want, and as long as none of them is successful, or someone publicly tells people I’m trying them before I do them, I can’t be convicted of anything. There’s nothing wrong with trying to do crimes!
— Ken Tremendous (@KenTremendous) November 13, 2019