This year marks the 20th anniversary of the Pokémon franchise. With over 721 Pokémon (722 if you count MissingNo., which you shouldn’t, you fucking nerd) we at Paste decided to take a look at the Pokémon that were clearly just the reslut of a designer giving up. Also, co-author Hana Michels wants everyone to know she’s Jewish, which means the Jewish jokes she wrote aren’t offensive somehow.
Asterios Kokkinos: Pokemon designer looks at his keys, writes down “key monster,” heads to the bar for some much deserved day-drinking.
Hana Michels: Brought to you by the same screenwriter who witnessed what goes on at a dog park & pitched Human Centipede. This time she lost her keys.
AK: Are these monsters the foundation of our modern key-based technology? Or do Pokémon people live in a world without keys?
HM: Well, that would explain why you can walk into literally any rando’s room and dig through their trash:
HM: “I’m here to remind you about the importance of keys! Don’t forget your keys. Hey. HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING.”
AK: Oh god, imagine going to a key party, you reach into the bowl, boom, you grab Klefki, he says, “don’t stop.”
HM: “I’ve got five dicks! All of them hurt so much…”
AK: Who says video games aren’t art? I mean, besides anyone who’s seen Klefki?
HM: Gotta catch ‘em all! Even the ones that shouldn’t exist! Even the one that are God’s cruelest mistakes!
AK: PO-KE-MON! Ohhhh…you’re my best friend…my stupid house-bound best-friend!
HM: I don’t know that Klefki’s gonna be of much use, unless there’s a Pokémon that’s four giant locks.
AK: Klefki: the perfect Pokémon to ball up into your fist in a dangerous neighborhood.
HM: WHAT LIQUID DID YOU USE TO MAKE THIS AND WHY IS IT ALIVE
AK: I’m the ghost of all the ice cream you ate. I’m pretty upset!
HM: Hey, I’m Mister Softee’s illegitimate son. He fucked a cloud, and now I’m here.
AK: Not enough Pokémon look like things you’d want to eat. Vanillite solves this problem quickly, and frighteningly.
HM: Who wants to EAT SOME POKEMON?
AK: Just imagine the tough guy lines from this guy. ”SOFT SERVE…HARD JUSTICE.”
HM: “I scream, you scream, you scream…WHEN I KILL YOU.”
AK: “I may look like ICE cream, but I’m…NOT…NICE…cream, ah shit, I lost it.”
HM: Vanillite attacks A MORBIDLY OBESE GAMER! It’s SUPER EFFECTIVE!
AK: I feel like this ice cream with eyeballs is exactly what those assholes outside of Whole Foods were warning us about.
HM: Just be sure to not use Vanillite in any warm environments! Or against any Pokémon with mouths! Or at all, because it’s a fucking sentient ice cream cone!
HM: Hey look, I found Mel Gibson’s starter.
AK: I’d like a Pokémon that looks really anti-semitic, but I’d also like him to be into Devo…
HM: “We’re through killing Christ. We’re through killing Christ. Eliminate the savior of the world, ah-do-do-do-do-do”
AK: Oh wow, that escalated quickly.
HM: It’s the internet! We gotta move!
AK: His special attack is super effective on uncircumcised babies?
HM: There you go.
HM: Excuse me sir, did you eat Rand Paul? Because you have a bit of his hair riiiight here. No here. No your other left. Jesus Christ, I’ll do it.
AK: If I was a Pokémon…di-dl di-dl di-dl dum…I’d scare all the children of the world, if I was Pok-é-monnnnnnn…
HM: Whoa…he’s evolving! He’s turning into..a crispy bagel! See also: sports manager, distressed banker, competent lawyer, pile of saltless fish, Jonah Hill-
AK: They made a Pokémon out of the wall that keeps Palestinians from supplies.
HM: I feel like we did some really good work today.
HM: The exclamation point on its stomach could not be more wrong
AK: ”I’m sad about stuff.”
HM: “Ursula the Sea Witch sat on me…made me sad.”
AK: ”I’m sad because I’m not dead yet.”
HM: I think they invented Stunfisk so people would stop making fun of Magikarp
AK: Finally, a Pokémon whose special attack is “Pity.”
HM: Oh I’ve definitely dated this Pokémon.
AK: Stunfisk’s Tinder pictures are all next to a much hotter Pokémon.
HM: THIS is what was inside Cloyster!!! Someone…put it back in.
AK: I wasn’t good this Christmas so I got a lump of Pokémon.
HM: I feel like this is the first Pokémon who is also a Men’s Rights Activist.
AK: Hi, I’m Redpiller Stunfisk. Have you heard about our bullshit? WHY DON’T WOMEN LIKE ME.
HM: This is what’s behind that Reddit comment full of gross threats you were so worried about.
AK: Yeah now I feel even worse about my gender.
HM: Mummy Pokémon? Too obvious. Let’s put some of those 90s sticky hands on it.
AK: Why do I have the feeling those hands are covered in powdered sugar and a child’s fear?
HM: Eh, kids aren’t afraid of mummies. They’re afraid of the coffin that HOLDS the mummies! Just ask my problem step daughter, Francine.
AK: What’s spookier than a coffin? A HAUNTED coffin! Hi, I’m the idiot they put in charge of Pokémon.
HM: Dead Egyptians were shaped like this right? Yeah. We don’t need fact checkers. Take the day off, Kelly!
AK: Howard Carter discovered this right before he discovered finger-bourne syphillis
HM: Bring back those fact checkers, Kelly.
AK: Cofragigus. That’s either an infection or a slur about gay people. Either way, not one of my starters.
HM: Is it wrong that the first thing I thought when I saw this guy was that he could jerk off four ghosts?
HM: I’m doing periods wrong because none of my tampons have doorknobs.
AK: Half teapot. Half tampon. All terror
HM: My tampons aren’t this happy. What’s wrong with me?
AK: “Don’t mind me, just flyin’ around with a bloody towel suction cupped to my tummy…do dah do…”
HM: I remember when my mom first taught me how to use a Chimecho. Honestly I’m still confused. And I don’t think that was my mom.
AK: Chimecho is apparently patterned after a Japanese windchime, which explains why the Japanese are so terrified of windchimes.
HM: Straight from the latest Hayao Miyazaki film, this bloody wind chime will lead you on a beautiful journey of self discovery!
AK: Also: it’s an allegory for growing up.
HM: Is that another period joke?
AK: It wasn’t, but it is now.
HM: Can’t you just imagine Chimecho knocking on your window at 3am and asking you to visit “The Great Beyond?”
AK: “Hey, I’m Chimecho! Follow me into a land of endless suffering and regret!”
AK: The list of things that aren’t Pokémon is now shorter than the list of things that are Pokémon.
HM: [looks in trash can, writes down “trash can Pokémon,” heads to ex-wife’s house]
AK: “I know we shouldn’t be doing this, but I just really need someone right now. My Pokémon job is killing me.”
HM: I’m Garbador! When you recycle, I die! Don’t recycle, kids!
AK: I’m Garbador! Why would God make something worse than trash?
HM: I’m Garbador and Chris Christie’s aides just dug through my body!
AK: I’m Garbador, and I make Muk seems original!
HM: I’m Garbador! Swipe right if you want the pussy eating of your life! Oh, rats, you swiped left.
AK: I’m Garbador! My whole life is pain!
HM: I’m Garbador! Eat me and meet your dead pets!
AK: I’m Garbador! You can get AIDS from me, and by AIDS, I mean an old bar of Aids chocolate from the ‘80s! Grow up, Jenny McCarthy.
HM: I’m Garbador! I didn’t ask to be born!
AK: Crab is the creature that should LEAST be covered in a boulder!
HM: After years of teasing animal abuse, they just went for it and strapped a ton of rocks to a crab.
AK: Ok, so we have crabs, and we have rocks, but what if we do this? smashes them together SOMEONE PAY ME.
HM: This is what happens when people buy anything with the word Pokemon on it. There’s no incentive NOT to make Crustle.
AK: After that crab with the mushroom butt what did we really expect?
HM: OK, now to be fair: there IS a kind of crab called a rock crab. So it’s not just a shitty pokemon, it’s also a shitty pun.
AK: This is that organic rock grown crab I had at that fancy restaurant. Right? Right? Oh no, I ate a plate of rocks.
HM: This is the kinda pokemon you want in your top 6: the kind who’s half dead simply from existing.
AK: And the award for easiest to kill life form goes to: it’s a tie, Crustle and that kid who thinks asbestos tastes “yummers!”
HM: What if it’s a treasure chest? Just kidding, there’s obviously nothing left to treasure in this world.
HM: Oh look, a goblet of penises! Santa got my note.
AK: A toast: to the concept of dicks!
HM: Eight dicks. Two eyes. Zero inhibitions.
HM: Signature move: The “Floppity Sloppity.”
AK: I don’t get it?
HM: That’s what my ex-boyfriend named my boobs.
AK: I’m sorry.
HM: It’s ok, I’m just sad sometimes.
AK: You used SHAME on Lileep! It’s SUPER INEFFECTIVE!
HM: Lileep is evolving! He’s growing…SHINIER DICKS!
AK: OK, so we’ve focused a lot on the dicks…but what’s in the cup? Wait, I take that back, I don’t wanna know.
HM: I don’t think you need the master ball to catch this one, I think you just need a sign with an arrow that says, “this way to fuck party.”
AK: Or that pokemon that’s a mug with eight vaginas.
HM: Right, right.
AK: What’s underneath the cup? Two more dicks!
HM: For successfully writing this piece, I’m gonna buy us two small chocolate award medallions.
HM: THAT’S NOT THE REAL SANTA.
AK: I don’t know that we’re gonna be able to top this thing’s actual name. Trash Cloak Wormadam.
HM: This is where all those 80s shoulder pads went. And all that 80s cocaine went into designing.
AK: Trash Cloak Wormadam brings up another issue: Who threw away this perfectly good Wormadam?
HM: When will they learn: you can’t just shove some poop in a bag and call it a Pokémon.
AK: I feel like the only way to properly say his name is doing a Fred Schneider impression. “TRASH CLOOOAAK WOORMMADAMM!”
HM: What are the other forms of Wormadam? Rock wormadam? You jerks gonna do another rock thing? Oh, wait, they did:
AK: That Wormadam makes me hungry for the sweet release of death.
HM: Look in those eyes. He’s more trash than Wormadam, and there’s no cloak big enough to hide it.
HM: Can we just get the abortion without the ultrasound please?
AK: DUOSION: Half goo. Half fetus. All fetus. Oh god…there’s somehow more fetus. Please put away some fetus.
HM: “I can’t wait to emerge from my chrysalis and cleanse the mistake that is humanity.”
AK: The Kool Aid guy swallowed him like 5 years ago and he’s still shocked.
HM: I didn’t need to know what’s inside Jigglypuff. Eh, maybe I did.
AK: Welcome to Scientology Level 10. Here’s your Duosion. If she tries to kill you, just roll with it.
HM: What do you get when you cross a weird japanese candy with the soul of a murdered child who’s forced to walk the earth until his killer is brought to justice?
HM: I don’t know, I was hoping you did.
AK: “Duosion, did you get your fetus slime on my good kitchen towels? We’ve talked about this Duosion — USE. THE. RAGS.”
HM: Is Duosion the goo, or the babyman inside the goo? Either way, God hates us.
HM: Magby, you can’t just put floofy Hugh Grant hair on a dinosaur.
AK: What the fuck are you talking about.
HM: Hugh Grant. Magby looks like Hugh Grant.
AK: Oh my god, Magby does look like Hugh Grant.
HM: “My name’s Magby! Did I burn you? I’m so dre-dreadfully s—s-orry! Sex?”
AK: I’m not saying Magby looks like Hugh Grant, but Hollywood called, and they want their charming, stuttering sex addict back!
HM: I’m not saying Magby looks like Hugh Grant, but he’s currently starring in Bridget Jones 3: Bridget Hits Rock Bottom And Fucks A Pokemon.
AK: Magby is what would happen if Hugh Grant and a dominatrix fucked in front of a video game designer.
HM: Magby and Hugh Grant walk into a bar. The bartender says, I’m seeing double! The bartender is addicted to pills, but that’s unrelated.
AK: Hey Magby! Why don’t you just fuck Madonna already and get it over with? Because you look like Hugh Grant! Oh wait, did he fuck Madonna? I don’t feel like looking it up..
HM: I love how we just decided this guy looks like a guy & rolled with it.
AK: First priority: Find mascara in the ocean. Second priority: Poison attack!
HM: Wait why are there seashells DOES THIS EEL HAVE BOOBS??
AK: Gorebyss is the first Pokémon to reach puberty. And for that, we must punish her.
HM: I haven’t seen enough Tool videos for this to make sense.
AK: Gorebyss, you don’t need to show off your body to get boys to like you. If anything, it creeps them out further.
HM: I think if I ever married Gorebyss I’d introduce her as “my first wife.”
AK: They call her “Gorebyss” because that’s the dimension you get sucked into when you take off her bra.
HM: Gorebyss is like the sense of emptiness you get from fucking Al Gore.
AK: There is nothing, there is only Gore.
HM: Give yourself over to The Gore.
AK: From the guys who brought you a cup with dicks comes an eel with boobs! Those guys, by the way, are all in jail for unrelated sex crimes.
HM: Due to Japanese censorship laws this thing is a porn star now.
AK: Oh god, now I feel bad for slut shaming a Pokémon.
HM: Oh, she loves it.