Here at Paste, we’ve had it up to here with puppies. What’s with them? What are they doing, being so small and tiny? You know what else is tiny and small and makes messes and causes trouble? Viruses.
Well, frankly, the time has come to say “Enough!” Not just to the tyranny of puppies, but also to the shameless exploitation of them for clicks and viral content. Here at Paste, we proudly stand against the current wave of using puppies for viral sharing. But it’s not just us. There are dozens of puppies who are opposed to being adore-ified. Here are ten examples of puppies we are not going to use in a cute viral feature.
Look at this guy. What’s he doing, huh? There’s no way in hell we would ever snuggle or cuddle this sneaky fellow. Oh sure, we might use him as a pillow if we had to. But we are definitely not using him for any kind of shares, and it will remain that way.
Oh, what’s this? Another wannabe-cute hustler for clicks? Well sorry, buster! Not today.
Maybe the thing you should be fetching is your self-esteem. Don’t you know your ancestors were wolves? Have more respect for yourself.
He probably thinks he’s a good boy. You know who’s a good boy? Puppies that don’t stand for pictures. That’s who.
If puppy cuteness were translated into gold, hard, glorious cash, this puppy would be a billionaire—in the 19th century! Unfortunately, as we now know, cameras and the internet were both invented in 1991. So this guy would have been out of luck.
Sorry, Charlie: the last train to Cuteville left yesterday, and we tore up the station and are using it for firewood when the winter comes.
“I’m reading for my close-up, Mr. DeMille.” No you’re not. You are not a human actress, but a baby-sized dog in a still, unmoving picture. You are not a real dog, but the image of a dog, which is not actually an image, but a trillion pixels on a glowing screen. Check and mate, puppy.
Puppies, you were told to move along.
Why are you still posting your pictures in this piece, puppies? Your tricks don’t work on us. Enough, really. Look, by the end of the year you’ll all be giant-size dogs who won’t be nearly as cute. Only slightly less cute.
Puppies, just because a bunch of you got together to take pictures, it doesn’t mean we have to take you seriously. This isn’t Congress, it’s just a bunch of puppies we’re not going to use in viral content.
I hope this list of puppies that we will never use for viral content proves what I’ve been saying: the use of puppies by internet magazines is pretty obvious. Yes, it’s super-cute, and yes, everybody loves it—but think of what you’re encouraging. Puppies are already attributable for fifty percent of modern world journalism, and the other half is dedicated to the short stories in Cat Fancy. If we don’t resist now, all news will become all-cute all-puppy all the time, and where will that leave us? Remember, when you share these kinds of lists, the puppies win.