I Think I’m the Only One Who Came on This Reality Show to Make Friends

When I found out I was cast on this season of Betrayal House, I was—pardon my language—gosh darn overjoyed. I don’t have many friends, so I was ecstatic at the prospect of making six new ones. I come from a small town and live on a chicken farm with my four mean brothers and thousands of mean chickens. Not one of the chickens respects me.

Betrayal House seemed like the perfect opportunity to step out of my comfort zone, live in a beautiful Miami penthouse and make long-lasting friendships with cool and interesting people. However, after getting repeatedly and brutally stabbed in the back by my fellow contestants, I’m starting to think I’m the only one who came here to make friends.

I guess I should’ve known that a reality show called Betrayal House wouldn’t be the best place to make friends. Everyone who watches the show knows its premise hinges on fitting as much treachery and backstabbing as humanly possible into a 30-minute episode of television. Within five minutes of my arrival to the penthouse, someone lit my suitcase with all my clothing on fire. Somehow, I was also framed for starting the fire and forced to attend a pricey 10-hour fire safety seminar. Although I learned a lot about fires, things were not off to a good start.

During our first evening at the Betrayal House, I suggested to the rest of the gang that it might be fun to go grocery shopping and cook a big dinner together. To my delight, everyone agreed. We bought ingredients at the local grocery store and made some delicious tacos. Before you know it, we were sharing laughs at our stainless steel dining room table. It was finally happening, I was making friends! It was at that point that Valeria (23, carpenter) disclosed that she had put military grade laxatives in my tacos. Valeria earned 18 Betrayal Points and I didn’t leave the bathroom for two days. Friendship had eluded me again.

Everyone in the cast had their own reasons for wanting to betray the other people in the penthouse. Philip (30, Kevin James’s stunt double) wanted to win the show at any cost, even if that meant two-timing every single person there. Blitz (24, stockbroker) had a sexual need to betray people. He didn’t care about winning or losing; his kink was just stabbing people in the back. Monica (31, yogi) thought betraying as many people as humanly possible would cleanse her body of negative energy pathogens and help her become a better yogi and relaxation consultant. My motivation never changed, though. Episode after episode, I stared into the confessional camera and said I was at the Betrayal House for one reason and one reason only: to get myself some sweet, sweet friendship.

Bernard (Age 76, lighthouse operator) seemed like the only other person in the cast who wasn’t hell-bent on collecting Betrayal Points. To be honest, I didn’t know why Bernard was on the show at all. He was way older than the rest of us and the only thing he talked about was how much better lighthouses are than regular houses. One afternoon, I decided to humor Bernard and listen to his deranged lighthouse ramblings. Somewhere toward the end of his rant about how “lighthouses are the ultimate symbol of hope,” I dozed off. The next morning, I woke up in a bathtub filled with ice with one of my kidneys missing. Bernard earned 54 Betrayal Points for his organ theft and he was chosen by viewers as “Judas of the Week.”

About four weeks into the season, Sonya (27, graphic designer) pulled me aside and said she noticed I was having a hard time fitting in. “Do you not enjoy double-crossing people?” she asked. Of course not. I came here to make friends. A sinister smile crept across Sonya’s face as she told me that she would be my friend. I was elated and not all suspicious of her menacing body language. Finally, someone in the cast who would put aside all the betrayal inherent to this television genre and actually get to know me.

As Sonya walked away, I looked down and saw she had placed a bloody knife in my pocket. By picking the knife up, I covered it in my own fingerprints. All too soon, it became clear that Sonya had framed me for murder. On Betrayal House, that’s worth a whopping 133 Betrayal Points. It basically ensures that you get crowned as Top Betrayer when the season ends.

The mayor of Miami was dead and the knife used to kill him was covered in my fingerprints. I did not see a way out of this one. I couldn’t afford a good defense lawyer since I spent most of my money on that extremely expensive fire safety seminar. I bet my brothers and the chickens were watching the show and laughing at me, the dumb idiot who tried to make some friends and instead got thrown behind bars.

After a speedy trial, I was convicted of murder and told by my court-appointed lawyer to stop texting him to hang out. I figured my journey to find friendship was over. I stepped off the bus to find myself at the Miami Federal Prison. I looked around the prison yard and was astonished by what I saw: a friendly game of basketball, fellas sitting around a table playing cards, a group of inmates smoking cigarettes together. Finally, an environment with zero backstabbing.

Who could’ve guessed that prison would be the perfect place to make some friends? I decided to walk up to the biggest, meanest-looking guy there and ask him if he wants to be friends. This was going to be great.

Bob Vulfov is a comedian and writer who lives in Brooklyn, NY. His website is way fancier than he is: bobvulfov.com.