Well, gang, the world is complete and total shit. Did anyone bring you up to speed on that one? Everything’s bad. We’re living in a fully activated hell or American society was built on a foundation of exploitation and entitlement. Who’s to say?
Anyways, I gaslighted my ex-boyfriend who works at H&R Block (brag!!!) to find you a few sick tax loopholes under the new Republican tax bill. Don’t thank me, it’s to compensate for the fact that the moment we all file next year we will suddenly find ourselves penniless in the middle of the desert, where a comforting voice will read us a line from The Art of the Deal before giving us a lethal injection, unknowingly paid for by the low-income taxpayers of America. Here are five things we hope you can get a few bucks back for—you know, to buy a machete when we are thrown into dystopia.
We’re amazed it got through, too, but it turns out that locating and publicly guillotining a public official whose decision-making has consistently worked against his or her (but probably his) minority electorate is the most bipartisan policy put into effect in the new bill. Make sure to write off the guillotine and buy local—for every guillotine sold by Target, a hardworking mom-and-pop guillotine joint suffers. Personally, I suggest starting with Mitch McConnell!
Before filing, be sure to keep a careful log of all the times you’ve unwittingly heard “Despacito” in public this year—it’s a little-known Trump policy designed to lower morale of the general public. To make up for damages, Democratic senators worked hard to win taxpayers a writeoff, though anyone who has heard the song over fifty times in spite of never having wanted or tried to (a staggering sixty percent) won’t have enough will to live to follow up.
While the Republican tax bill is offensive top to bottom there’s possibly nothing worse than the Armie Hammer exemption, which pardons male mediocrity icon Armie Hammer from having to pay taxes we know he can. Where’s the exemption for having seen The Man From U.N.C.L.E.? Where’s the exemption for never bringing up in conversation that Armie Hammer, in spite of the press’s best efforts to normalize him as a fun-loving guy who’s just like us, IS THE HEIR TO AN OIL FORTUNE??? No. This exemption is for Armie Hammer specifically. So he can make more crummy movies. Do not message me about Call Me By Your Name. IT SHOULDN’T TAKE THAT MANY MOVIES TO MAKE A GOOD MOVIE.
People laugh when others save their receipts, but this year women are going to want to keep a careful register of when they were harassed by men in their workplace to be compensated with up to $20 and a gigantic “fuck you” by the government. In order to start your register, be sure to write the name of your harasser, the time and location of the incident, and what condescending variant of “honey” you were subjected to before being subjected to the stare of someone’s pervy little bead-eyes. Alternatively, key their car.
Taxpayers are entitled to up to $1000 for pushing virtually any white man off a ladder, as long as he dies. This initiative has proven extremely successful—those who cash in on this deal are then given a new job that includes a free vehicle, home in the north, as well as a wife with no personality and low-paid workers. Incidentally, there’s larger growth in the “murdering Santa” job sector than in coal like the president had promised in order to continue exploiting fossil fuels.
Jamie Loftus is a comedian and writer. You can find her some of the time, most days at @hamburgerphone or jamieloftusisinnocent.com.