Hello Teachers and Welcome to New Teacher Orientation!

We’d like to warmly welcome all the newly-hired teachers to our wonderful learning institution for a new school year. We are so excited to have you all join our faculty. Our community of teachers continues to grow, but our mission statement always remains the same: we are here to serve, teach and help our students. I have also been instructed to read to you a recently-added, supplementary mission statement for the teachers in our school district: we are also here to be armed guards that patrol the halls like a bunch of RoboCops. We hope everyone had a great summer because it’s time to get to work!

Let’s start with some good news. We heard our teachers’ complaints last year about the outdated faculty lounge, so this summer we invested some of the school’s budget into a new espresso machine, a reupholstered set of leather couches, and a new fridge that doesn’t loudly hum like it’s filled with a whole ton of bees. These capital improvements were necessary and we sincerely hope the lounge becomes a relaxing oasis for our staff in between classes and meetings. The faculty lounge will now also come equipped with kevlar vests, crates of ammunition, and a state-of-the-art surveillance hub.

The surveillance hub will need at least four faculty members manning it at all times, so we’ve taken the liberty of scheduling each teacher for a two-hour shift throughout the day. You’ll look like the CIA agents in the Bourne movies in no time, scouring video feeds of our school’s hallways and classrooms for any danger, which you would have to address should it arise. Also, we’ll now have Bagel Mondays in the faculty lounge, so don’t eat breakfast at home on Mondays!

All new teachers are asked to participate in our school district’s New Teacher Academy workshops. This week-long series of workshops, seminars and paramilitary exercises will allow new teachers the opportunity to meet with experienced teachers from other schools in our district as well as former Blackwater contractors. The New Teacher Academy is an invaluable resource that’ll get you acquainted with our school district’s teaching expectations and also provide you with the necessary skills you’ll need to fend off homicidal maniacs who are able to buy military-grade weapons at their local Walmart for some reason. Let’s face it, you’re not just a teacher anymore. You’re a private security contractor who also happens to teach a little science.

Speaking of which, our school’s standard curriculum has been slightly altered in order to adapt to these modern times. Math, science, social studies, geography, English: these are all courses that have no place in this day and age. Every teacher at our school will now be teaching the same course. And that course is called Guns. We know that some of you have come here with advanced degrees and years of experience in specific subject areas that you thought you’d be teaching, but let us assure you that Guns will be an equally rewarding subject matter for you to pursue and pass on to our students.

Remember, a teacher is not the sum of their lesson plans and syllabi. No, a teacher is a person who has a massive weapon strapped to their back like they’re Rambo, striding through the jungle and ready to shoot at a moment’s notice. None of these kids will remember a teacher who taught them something particularly well or awoke a dormant passion within them for a subject they didn’t know they loved. That’s not what students want from a teacher. This isn’t Dead Poets Society. What these kids want is someone who can show them life’s ultimate freedom: accidentally shooting the school’s janitor because you thought he was a threat. So grab a gun and start patrolling the halls like the unhinged mercenary that you now are.

Finally, we will not be able to help you buy your school supplies. You’re on your own for pencils and staplers and all that stuff.

Bob Vulfov is a comedian and writer who lives in Brooklyn, NY. His website is way fancier than he is: bobvulfov.com.