At last spring is here, the weather is warm, lilacs are in bloom and another season of SNL has come to its end. And what a season it was! So many classic impressions, sketches, digital shorts and writers getting fired for joking about the president, I can hardly keep track of them all. Casey Affleck hosted—barely a year after Donald Trump!—and probably some other people did too. What a year! As the guys and gals of Studio 8H gallivant off to their “Staten Island Summers,” it’s time for us to speculate who might come around to host the famed cultural touchstone next season. Here are ten people who would be surefire ratings bonanzas, while upholding SNL’s longstanding commitment to looking the other way.
Bill O’Reilly
The former Fox News host and current host of the No Spin News podcast is an energetic performer and a sharp, able improvisor. As the author or co-author of dozens of books, such as the thrilling Killing Reagan and the timeless Killing Lincoln, he’d bring a rare literary pedigree to SNL’s usual roster of film and TV stars. Plus, as a serial sexual harasser who reportedly attacked his ex-wife after she found him half-nakedly participating in phone sex, he’d fit in perfectly with SNL’s proud legacy of enabling truly the vilest people.
Woody Allen
Believe it or not, the famed director of Annie Hall and Manhattan has never hosted SNL, even though he allegedly molested his daughter in 1992 before going on to direct dozens of critically acclaimed films. What gives!
Dr. Luke
I don’t know what Dr. Luke’s real name is, but I do know he’s been accused of multiple acts of sexual violence by Kesha, who’s already been on SNL. “Feminism” demands that women and men get the same opportunities, so it’s only fair that he be invited to host too. He also used to play guitar in the house band, and it’s practically a rule that SNL brings back its own people after they get famous for something else. Tick-tock, Lorne.
Andy Dick
Having honed his chops as the klutzy reporter Matthew Brock in NewsRadio, Andy Dick can read cue cards as good as anyone, or at least Pete Davidson. His reputation as a serial groper who’s exposed himself in public on numerous occasions is simply the icing on the cake.
Bill Clinton
One of the finest orators of our time, Bill Clinton is also a famed jokester. How could we forget such classics as “The @ClintonCenter has been bugged,” or his laugh riot of a farewell video at the 2000 White House Correspondent’s Dinner? The man can get away with anything, which is why I can imagine no better place for him than Studio 8H. Hey and maybe his Secret Service guys could replace Jost and Che, while we’re at it.
Roger Ailes
Roger Ailes died after I pitched this list, but I’m sure they could do a Weekend at Bernie’s-type thing, maybe with Kyle Mooney and Beck Bennett pulling the strings. Those guys really don’t get enough to do.
Mike Tyson
The onetime heavyweight champion of the world has found a marvelous second career in comedy, first in the Hangover films and now as the star of Adult Swim’s Mike Tyson Mysteries. Who would’ve guessed he’s also a registered sex offender who served three years of a six-year sentence for rape? If you ask me, the “true crime” is that Adult Swim snapped up this talent before NBC.
Roman Polanski
Has SNL ever done a Conan-style remote episode? Well, they’ll have to if they’re gonna land a host as distinguished as Roman Polanski, the Academy Award-winning director who would certainly get arrested if he steps foot in the US. Not today, Johnny Law!
President Donald Trump
Last time he was but a candidate. Now he is President. It’s just the type of riches-to-riches story that makes for a beautiful night of no-holds-barred topical comedy. Imagine: a sketch where Trump signs an executive order banning SNL, on SNL. To quote another beloved NBC character, Kenny Bania, “That’s gold, Jerry!” (Referring to Seinfeld.)
Brock Turner
Many people were upset when Brock Turner was released from prison after only three months of a six-month sentence for sexual assault. Well, I can think of no better way for him to own up to his past than by finding steady work as an actor and director, garnering a few award nominations here and there, eventually winning the Golden Globe, the BAFTA, the Oscar and international critical acclaim for his role as anguished handyman Lee Chandler in Kenneth Lonergan’s brilliant comeback Manchester by the Sea, an unflinching portrait of grief in a small seaside town, and then hosting SNL. It won’t be easy, but justice never is.
Seth Simons is Paste’s assistant comedy editor. Follow him on Twitter.