To the Academy: enclosed is a reasonable, extremely well thought-out argument of why The Fish from The Shape of Water should be given a special award at this year’s Oscars for “Extraordinary Achievement in Being Hot.”
Hello, my name is Jamie Loftus and for the past quarter century, I have prided myself on never wanting to fuck a fish. After seeing the fish in The Shape of Water, I am no longer able to say that, and if someone doesn’t at least get a trophy for it I’m going to call the police on myself because I don’t think I can go to Red Lobster anymore without tearing my clothes off and launching myself through an aquarium.
I will give you this—there are other hot people who deserve recognition. It’s not lost on me that hot people don’t get enough attention in our society, which has never had a vested interest in looks, which is why American women have such a famously healthy attitude toward their bodies. This, of course, is a travesty.
If you don’t think The Fish from The Shape of Water is hot, it is actually you who is the pervert. Consider: the fish fakes you out at first by having thick, milky eyes that are not the eyes of a man. They are the eyes of a fish. Surely these are not the eyes of a creature that will make your loins froth. Impossible. Your eyes fall to the fish’s shoulders—these are not the shoulders of a fish. Have you ever seen a fish with shoulders? Get your head out of your ass. These are nice shoulders. Why does the fish have a linebacker’s shoulders?
Your eyes continue down as you are actively objectifying what there is no way around is a fish. The fish has a six-pack. Okay. The fish has a six-pack. This feels antagonistic, and we as an audience have to admit—we want to raw dog this fish. We want to treat this fish as if it has done something very bad, sexually. The fish continues to stand and we see, in spite of ourselves, a second six-pack. This is an ingenious creative decision, because what if one was to blink and miss the first six-pack? A second six-pack on the horny fish is not just visually horrifying and sexy, it is absolutely critical.
We continue to survey the fish and move past its smooth crotch (“HELP!” your subconscious screams, furious that the fish is not hung) to its thigh gap, a completely normal feature of a fish. You yourself have struggled with body image for your entire life, and here is a fish with a thigh gap and a smooth crotch. You are through. You need to change your clothes. You’ve soiled yourself. The Fish from The Shape of Water is upsettingly, triggeringly hot.
I am not at liberty to disclose what sort of noise escaped my body when we get to see the fish fuck. It would be utterly irresponsible to inform you of the guttural exclamations that burst forth from my human form when you find out the fish has a hidden penis that pops out of his smooth crotch. Why would that possibly be?, you ask yourself. How does that serve the story?
You are asking the wrong questions. The question is why men of our species don’t have smooth Ken doll crotches with hidden penises. Why does no man I have ever met have a concealed southern tongue? Now I’m really thinking, and that’s the purpose of great cinema.
In summary, Academy, I would feel god-awful if I got so turned on by a fish that I literally pissed myself at a Tuesday 1PM screening of The Shape of Water and there was no trophy administered. Please, for the sake of me and my continence, I strongly encourage you to award The Fish from The Shape of Water a big, lubed-up Oscar for the 2018 “Extraordinary Achievement for Being Hot.”
I am going to go change my pants.
Jamie Loftus is a comedian and writer. You can find her some of the time, most days at @hamburgerphone or jamieloftusisinnocent.com.