The Funniest Tweets of the Week
Photo: When Quarantines Were Cool. Courtesy of Getty Images. Comedy Lists Tweets of the WeekThat photo above makes quarantine look so much fun. Three space dudes in a tiny capsule together, the cosmic funk of their interstellar bodies wafting together through their jumpsuits, crammed together so tight they can’t help but feel each others’ hearts beat against them, their lungs fall and rise, moving to a new rhythm never before felt on Earth, the rhythm of the stars, the steady beat of the infinite now radiating from within their terrestrial forms. And Tricky Dick nearby, just laughin’. If this was what quarantine was like for us today—an airstream on an aircraft carrier with a historically corrupt president applauding us for our bravery—we’d probably have less insane people with guns threatening to kill the government unless they give us the right to die more slowly by the coronavirus. We would have more insane people with guns threatening to kill the government for other idiotic reasons, because them’s just the times we live in, baby. The 21st century’s gonna 21st century, and what not.
In the absence of jovial post-moon chats with Nixon, we’ve had to make do with humbler pleasures during this extended period of isolation. Yes, that includes Twitter. Everything always includes Twitter. It’s the thing that keeps us up while simultaneously pushing us down, and it’ll probably stay that way until society or smartphones cease to exist. (If those two aren’t already the exact same at this point.) Here are the best tweets we read this past week—the funniest, most inspiring, most encouraging, most empowering. Actually they’re just the funniest. That’s it. Just laughs here. Laughs as hearty as the ones Nixon, Armstrong, Aldrin and Collins were having on the USS Hornet on that photo above.
Dig it.
This man tried to grow an n95 mask pic.twitter.com/3fmdn5RSY8
— Joey Devine (@JoeyDevine) May 8, 2020
I think I speak for everyone when I say that with each passing day in quarantine, I feel mentally, physically, and emotionally stronger
— Bridger Winegar (@bridger_w) May 9, 2020
She’s still deciding pic.twitter.com/zI5PnTM7GO
— josh ‘Letterman’ (oldfriend99) (@oldfriend99) May 8, 2020
I’m sorry but I can’t follow anyone new on here. I’m at my PIN number and don’t want to forget it.
— James Fritz (@fritzisdead) May 9, 2020
If Bernie Madoff gets caught now he doesn’t get prosecuted and he gets a show on CNBC and is elected to represent New Jersey in the Senate as a Democrat
— Mark Agee (@MarkAgee) May 9, 2020
Ken Burns thinks he can tell us that the Michael Jordan thing actually isn’t good… cool man… well here’s what I think isn’t good: how you treat your employees at the nuclear power plant
— Normal Keven. (@BrianJWooster) May 9, 2020
in ’98 a bunch of us went to see the Matthew Broderick Godzilla at the Cineramadome
it was disappointing
after the movie we were all standing out front looking sad
when a white limo drove by and the rear window slid downLittle Richard leaned out and waved and went “WOO-HOO!”
— blaine capatch (@blainecapatch) May 9, 2020
What’s really inspiring to me about Michael Jordan is that he was cut from his high school team as a freshman, but unlike most people, he resisted the obvious next step of getting really into improv at a young age.
— Josh Gondelman (@joshgondelman) May 11, 2020
i admire how when babies dont want to hold something anymore they just drop it
— secular angel (@mixedmediapaper) May 11, 2020
Chrissy tiegen always has been annoying. She be like “omg ate a whole baguette and I’m topless. Might have sex and use an Elmo voice to scare John.” And people be like “omg goals” skdjjdjf
— Lunch (@_digitalbath) May 11, 2020
Had to Zoom in, thought ALF was sitting on the panel pic.twitter.com/6krSakpyMF
— T (@tj_ohanlon) May 10, 2020
Me when I come out of quarantine pic.twitter.com/Y7j2SGa6ju
— SPIRAL CURSE DEMARCO (@Clarknova1) May 12, 2020
sorry i only just now saw the barbie movie and i cant stop laughing pic.twitter.com/Ojeqc6lzqc
— (@dumbandawful) May 12, 2020
I recreated the “Who Broke It?” scene from Parks and Rec with my Animal Crossing villagers pic.twitter.com/ya8cXntaBF
— Lilgoofygoober (@OhSoPrecious16) May 13, 2020
my parents live on an island in florida so we would usually leave our big sliding glass doors and windows open when it wasn’t super hot or raining and one day when i was home alone a big golden retriever just walked into the house and came up to me and i pet him and he just left
— tinybaby (@tinybaby) May 13, 2020
My favorite part of the show Catfish usually happens somewhere near the middle of the show, when the guys look at each other and in unison say, “THAT’S A CATFISH!”
— Jason Gore (@sonicdork) May 13, 2020
“Obama-gate” is basically Al Capone trying to indict the IRS for tax evasion.
— David Frum (@davidfrum) May 13, 2020
In the pyrite community we refer to gold as “fool’s pyrite”
— Brooks Otterlake (@i_zzzzzz) May 13, 2020
Honestly, it wouldn’t even surprise me at this point. pic.twitter.com/RR6Q90JBgE
— Uncle Duke (@UncleDuke1969) May 13, 2020
i’m officially leaving twitter. i spend way too much time on here. take care everyone. ill be back in 5 minutes.
— adrian. (@Iovejutsu) May 13, 2020
lifestyle is basically shrek (ferment things in the dark, daily physical toil, lament outside world)
— giri (@girinathan) May 14, 2020
last dance finale leaked pic.twitter.com/QBI3NP8LzJ
— Ben Rosen (@ben_rosen) May 15, 2020
The extraordinary increase in deaths might be an issue pic.twitter.com/pUJMYBYEL2
— Baron Samsung (@alexqarbuckle) May 15, 2020
I’d have to say the best part about choosing media as a career is [loud sobbing followed by one long scream]
— Tyler McCall (@eiffeltyler) May 15, 2020