Let’s take a brief moment during the ongoing catastrophe that is this world to reflect on what really matters: the tweets. The tweets are the straw that stirs the drink, the face that runs the place, the cliche that goes all the way. This week? It wasn’t a good one! In fact there’s never been a good week, at least as far back as we can remember, all the way back to the middle of March. What a bunch of bad weeks, falling all over each other for months, every single time Sunday turns to Monday. Maybe these words that were left on the internet by strangers will make things infinitesimally less miserable for the next 30 seconds? Let’s find out! And hey, follow all of these tweeters: that’s the least you can do for ‘em.
u ever procrastinated so hard you checked your credit score
— kathbarbadoro (@kathbarbadoro) July 17, 2020
new ps5 controller looks dope pic.twitter.com/2bM7dGzo1I
— ???? Ö??? (@Arda) July 17, 2020
billionaire: anyone can get rich if they work hard
me: how did you get rich
billionaire: underpaying people who work hard
— james (@heybuddy_comic) July 16, 2020
Syndicated columnists get their ideas by being at a manhattan dinner party and watching a 26 year old their 52 year old friend is dating eat the last crostini and then they write an article called Millenials Need to Stop Eating the Last Crostini
— 200k+ Opinions (Adderall) (@necrobranson) July 16, 2020
Once again family feud has leaked my texts. pic.twitter.com/QmS98vHzEc
— Topple statues, erect ska-tues (@lessthankyle) July 17, 2020
Aside from the fascism, pandemic, and having no sense of when I’ll see my family again, I can’t figure out what’s making me so anxious.
— Jesse McLaren (@McJesse) July 19, 2020
london obviously insecure about its natural beauty pic.twitter.com/BBAFN2TrAH
— dylan gelula (@DylanGelula) July 18, 2020
immediately after sex alright now let’s do a silly one
— Greg Gallant (@GallantGreg) July 18, 2020
REPUBLICANS: i need an assault rifle in case the government ever tries to take away my rights
secret military police start kidnapping people in portland
REPUBLICANS: thank you so much!!!! love you guys!!!!!!
— Ben Rosen (@ben_rosen) July 17, 2020
Me writing my dissertation on The Mask (1994) https://t.co/JB0nfgujX9
— pixelatedboat aka “mr tweets” (@pixelatedboat) July 20, 2020
Now that the United States is a top oil producer, we’ve started occupying ourselves. https://t.co/wh44242o4R
— Joshua (??????) (@thatcountryjew) July 19, 2020
oh shit they militarized the pet detectives pic.twitter.com/tzb3652yMM
— mr cant spell good (@KrangTNelson) July 20, 2020
cormac mccarthy’s king of the hill pic.twitter.com/MIZSQBNSC8
— R.E. Parrish (@reparrishcomics) July 20, 2020
Scoob in the middle like “Re rannot rive in rear” pic.twitter.com/Ojatd2ijn7
— PAPPADEMAS (@PAPPADEMAS) July 21, 2020
If I ever die from COVID, please know that my dying wish is that my corpse be catapulted at high speed directly into Mitch McConnell’s bedroom window at 3 am
— C.A. Pinkham (@EyePatchGuy) July 20, 2020
Burger Records be like…here’s our label for musicians … and here’s our label for LADY musicians :))
— goth clown laboratory (@thetransfiles) July 22, 2020
Is it “running” pic.twitter.com/hj6Xu1DkdB
— eli yudin (@eliyudin) July 22, 2020
This guy freaking loves coronavirus https://t.co/QYzTDpdSES
— TGB (@twitersbadboy) July 22, 2020
Something to think about pic.twitter.com/WKw6JNChXM
— Melanie Bracewell (@meladoodle) July 22, 2020
Why is the sun just rising and setting on schedule it should be fucked up like everything else
— Dina Hashem (@dinahashem_) July 22, 2020
person woman man camera tv pic.twitter.com/RUxmGJfjC9
— Vic Berger IV (@VicBergerIV) July 23, 2020
Currently staying with my parents. They have eggs for breakfast on Wednesday and Sunday. These days are now both known as “Egg Day.” They plan for Egg Day days in advance. The night before an Egg Day they talk about how excited they are for Egg Day. They’ve been married 35 years.
— Anna Fitzpatrick (@bananafitz) July 22, 2020
If I’m gonna spend $2.99 on an app, I’m going to put Robert Wuhl’s face on Shakira. pic.twitter.com/NYHjbmXZbu
— Zach Heltzel (@zachheltzel) July 23, 2020
If you don’t need masks cause you won’t live in fear and God will protect you, why do you need guns
— Dani Fernandez (@msdanifernandez) July 23, 2020
Thinking about becoming a respected journalist for a few years then transitioning into being widely mocked and permanently mad online, just to see how all that works out
— maple cocaine (@maplecocaine) July 23, 2020
50-year-olds: masks are a burden on me
100-year-olds: I wear a 3-piece suit to get the mail
— clean slate (@PleaseBeGneiss) July 22, 2020
The dude doesn’t want people catching anything. Respect the consistency. https://t.co/TyBeeH44sJ
— Nikolai Joseph (@nikopotomous) July 24, 2020
“ok so earlier today my wife and I were fleeing the city. We were given very explicit instructions to not look back. Well, my wife did and she turned into a pillar of salt”
4 hours later
“This isn’t funny please stop calling me Salt Wife Guy” https://t.co/kvoaj2q0BL
— Juggalocialism #BLM (@UweBollocks) July 24, 2020
I’ve seen more photos of trump with Ghislaine Maxwell than with Barron.
— romy
(@romyreiner) July 23, 2020
Anyone as rich as Jeff Bezos should be legally required to be Batman.
— Kate Sidley (@sidleykate) July 24, 2020