We live in a surreal time. The last seven days were a week of tragedy and presidential debate rounded out by a viral video of a little girl holding a dead squirrel. You gotta laugh, right? Thankfully Twitter exists as a salve from the horrors of the world, a place for us to throw spitballs at the Devil. We’ve rounded up the week’s funniest Tweets for your reading enjoyment, and made sure to embed each one so you can follow everyone who makes you laugh. Enjoy.
Didn’t know how much I needed a rant about a horrible man set to a fiddle solo until I saw the words “New Dixie Chicks album coming soon.”
— Louis Virtel (@louisvirtel) June 26, 2019
typing an entire rant and deciding not to press tweet pic.twitter.com/bGy8g1gPuH
— marion (@eccentricmarion) June 23, 2019
Dr. Malcom: Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether or not they COULD, they didn’t stop to think if they SHOULD.
[meanwhile in Jurassic Park] pic.twitter.com/9mrs3xx0EO
— Ryan La Sala @ Children’s Institute (@Ryality) June 24, 2019
My lawyer girlfriend and I went to City Hall and became domestic partners last week. I keep saying, “congrats on making partner.” I’m feeling very brave now that it costs $27 to break up with me.
— Bob Gurnett (@BobIsntFunny) June 24, 019
ppl w not divorced parents be like lmao look what my mom just said in the groupchat
— BELA (@belatweets2u) June 24, 2019
PARENTS DO NOT VACCINATE YOUR CHILD!! I vaccinated my baby and now 60 years later he has an Old face, too soft hands, horrible looking. DISGUSTING why is he alive so long
— Megan Amram (@meganamram) June 24, 2019
I got day drunk at the recliner movie theater with my folks and now I hope I don’t fall off the second story of Top Golf. Hi I’m from the suburbs and this is my version of Basketball Diaries.
— Jean Creamery (@kylekinane) June 25, 2019
teen vogue 2002: would JOE JONAS like your lip gloss or are you UGLY
teen vogue 2019: https://t.co/eSo1P0LzA0
— shqueenie baby (@shqne) June 25, 2019
My next relationship better be my last I’m tired of telling mfs my favorite color.
— (@EricGamez20) June 24, 2019
my parents are such goofs they drove out to the backroads so my dad could play the cows the songs he’s been learning on the saxophone pt.1 pic.twitter.com/IHzgxtvo0N
— Erin Herrmann (@erinmherrmann) June 26, 2019
I’m very sick of pretending to be cool laid back girl so boys want to date me, I’m insane. I’m literally balls to the wall insane, and that is ok. Pussy is immaculate, head game is otherworldly, I will treat you right and I will also cry everyday. high risk high reward
— lav (@lavylitt) June 26, 2019
Well I stopped taking my anti depressant because it was killing my sex life, and now I can’t stop crying or lashing out at people which has actually been very good for my sex life
— ellory smith (@ellorysmith) June 26, 2019
Nobody:
A hot skinny girl on Instagram wearing colored sunglasses: Your emotional labor is a commodity & you owe to no one. If your lifelong partner wants to tell you about their hard day at work, dump them. If your grandma needs a ride to the hospital, buy that bitch a bus pass— Brittany Van Horne (@_brittanyv) June 25, 2019
Elizabeth Warren @SenWarren: “I’m with Bernie on Medicare for all. Health care is a human right.”
Warren’s [alleged] fans who hate Sanders: pic.twitter.com/uHHQjYC7XY— Katie Halper (@kthalps) June 27, 2019
When Gay Twitter finds out that Laura Dern was once Marianne Williamson’s roommate…. it’s over…
— Bedder (@itgetsbedder) June 28, 2019
Well, I guess my favorite pastime is holding my breath after walking up the stairs with someone I just met so they can’t tell how much I’m about to pass away from a simple task.
— nicole byer (@nicolebyer) June 22, 2019
Jim’s head is going to fucking explode when somebody finally sits him down and explains how vaccines actually work. pic.twitter.com/suy05EwLdE
— Fintan O’Toolbox (@FintanOToolbox) June 27, 2019
please. i will take literally any other book reference at this point. say she had very hungry caterpillar energy. tell me she had man in the yellow hat energy. it doesnt have to make sense. i dont care. just any other book im begging you https://t.co/T8up39Yd1P
— neoGAYtonist (@DxGGEAUX) June 27, 2019
Oreos 1912-2015: Chocolate cookie with vanilla cream. Sometimes a little extra cream.
Oreos 2015-2019: WHATEVER! WHO GIVES A SHIT, PINA COLADA? FINE! SHEPARDS PIE? SURE! RELIGIOUS CANDLE? PUT IN THE FUCKING COOKIE, WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE, ENJOY!
— Diego Lopez (@thisdiegolopez) June 26, 2019
BETO: I speak Spanish.
BOOKER: I can’t believe you did my thing before me.
DE BLASIO: I have a black son.
BOOKER: I’m actually black tho, Bill.
KLOBUCHAR: …Um, I have an uncle with a deer stand?
WARREN: don’t say it, don’t say it
— Jason Howerton (@jason_howerton) June 27, 2019
clueless and kids both came out in july 1995 which is the basis of my theory that tai started in kids and somehow stumbled into clueless thru a wormhole pic.twitter.com/oJmVHIZP8Z
— no (@miskeencore) June 27, 2019
When someone you know in real life sees what you do on twitter pic.twitter.com/Auz9Lt2ieK
— James Felton (@JimMFelton) June 27, 2019