The fact that we’re living in a dystopia has become a reoccuring theme of this otherwise silly weekly column. While it may seem like a political statement, the reality is that spending as much time on Twitter as is required to compile this list drives the thought into your head. You see the bad along with the good, and often the bad far outweighs the good. But then when it starts to feel too much, like you simply can’t read another sad thing without exploding, you see something so funny you can’t help but smile. We hope these jokes bring you a smile, and promise not to mention the dystopia next week. Here are the funniest Tweets of the week.
did an adjective write this https://t.co/nk5S2FQiQP
— Steve Kandell (@SteveKandell) September 2, 2019
white supremacist tryna form a straight pride parade accidentally lets truth slip at city council meeting pic.twitter.com/c8fWtOwORT
— bhad phag (@hebaddie) September 1, 2019
im not on no fap I am just “charging my balls”
— the R word guy (@pr0spector88) September 3, 2019
i’m a man of simple pleasures. i just want to feel good all the time and never be hurt, physically or emotionally. that’s all i humbly ask
— jaboukie? (@jaboukie) September 3, 2019
The Joker should have been a woman. And she finally went insane because too many random dudes told her to smile, so now she perpetually smiles while terrorizing Gotham.
— Geraldine (@everywhereist) June 1, 2019
Having a mental illness reveal party after I see a psychiatrist
— his silly rabbit (@lustedafter) September 2, 2019
Gen Z getting ready for the climate apocalypse pic.twitter.com/ANkuR7mz6S
— Randall Otis (@RandallOtisTV) September 2, 2019
From my inbox: a proposal to protect schools from shooters by installing a sprinkler system that sprays olive oil, so an attacker would fall and not be able to get to the classrooms. Not one I’ve heard before.
— Meg Wingerter (@MegWingerter) September 3, 2019
i live in america so i can’t tell if somebody dropped their hydro flask or if somebody shootin up the place
— (@kobychill) September 4, 2019
gordon ramsay: [yelling] it’s fucking raw you idiot is that fucking acceptable to you?
me: [getting pounded by his meaty hog] yes chef thank you chef
— online moose (@tiemoose) September 3, 2019
same day delivery is the most American shit of all time, you run out of deodorant or something and with a single click start a Rube Goldberg of human suffering in an Amazon warehouse twenty miles away
— Law Boy, Esq. (@The_Law_Boy) September 4, 2019
This country simply has to be fake https://t.co/BeiieF1CYv
— progressive knife girl (@ldrinkh20) September 3, 2019
girls born after 1938 don’t know how to cook. all they know is doo wop, talk on rotary phone, fuck the milkman, vacuum barred out and lie
— heaven (@epsteinbrain) September 3, 2019
Complicated Father Of Your Best Friend But It’s the Summer After Senior Year and You’re Staying with Them Upstate Energy https://t.co/P8JMtnYbqt
— Brandon (@blgtylr) September 5, 2019
I failed ceramics in college and have been kicked out of a threesome. You’re fine.
— Hanna Dickinson (@hansdickie) September 5, 2019
Me: hey bud, what are you excited about at your first day of preschool?
4yo: the fight area
Me: uh, there’s no fight area?
Him: yeah there’s a jungle gym with a fight area
My 4-year-old is apparently ready to fuck some shit up in a toddler thunderdome
— Sam (@mastrap84) September 4, 2019
I once came out of a blackout playing chess with some homeless guys in Washington Square park and that’s when I realized I might have a drinking problem because they were like “you have a drinking problem”
— May Wilkerson (@shutupmay) September 6, 2019
Please be a documentary. pic.twitter.com/OrF1yqkc9g
— David C Bell (@MovieHooligan) September 4, 2019
What is it with this guy and Asian women? https://t.co/8LdoERMCP1
— Curtis Cook (@Curtis_Cook) September 4, 2019
If you’re gonna sit next to me on a 7am flight and very calmly & casually drink 3 gin & tonics please just have the courtesy to say to me “I’m very scared of flying” or “Life has no meaning”
— Paul F. Tompkins (@PFTompkins) September 5, 2019
a guy who is definitely excited about having an open relationship pic.twitter.com/cEDqIihnvE
— Jackson Rickun (@JacksonRaccoon) September 5, 2019
“You merely adopted the dark. I was born in it, molded by it.” pic.twitter.com/APRyJFGKjS
— ellie sunakawa (@elliesunakawa) September 5, 2019
Dating apps are more or less a joke to me but I needed to sit down for a long time after this pic.twitter.com/Ys5xBM3l2a
— ellory smith (@ellorysmith) September 5, 2019