The government is a grim charade, our heroes are falling one by one (onstage at SNL, no less), and it seems like every day our phones wake us up to even worse. It’s been an awful week for most of us, and I was in Kentucky for too much of it—Bourbon drunk and sweating, trying to be a real journalist in Whiskey Country. These are the tweets that got me through the shrimp-and-grits induced haze. Thank you for your service.
sigmund freud would have loved cum town he wrote whole papers on why doing coke rocks, he wanted to fuck his dad. He made up things constantly without looking anything up and became famous from it.
— Krispy Scream (@mitchysuch) September 27, 2018
i want a sitcom where i can do standup but instead of the Seinfeld theme its just Evanescence pic.twitter.com/8nRl6XAr4X
— Luke Mones (@LukeMones) September 27, 2018
The only straight woman at a gay house party is colloquially known as a “stage manager.”
— Joel Kim Booster (@ihatejoelkim) September 25, 2018
hella is the feminine version of hello
— everett byram (@rad_milk) September 26, 2018
This man I follow on Instagram is always posting accidentally cropped motivational posters. They make me laugh. Here are a few pic.twitter.com/gTx3GJ0OlS
— Ahamed Weinberg (@ahamedweinberg) September 29, 2018
[on a date]
waiter: can i take your order?
me: [remembering girls like it when you play hard to get] no
— viking (@NOTVIKING) September 29, 2018
hahah sometimes i forget we are always being watched & recorded!!!
— Aparna Nancherla (@aparnapkin) September 29, 2018
Saying “lmaoooo” is truly my coping mechanism. I say it at least 50x a day and nothing has been funny for like 2 weeks
— Rachel Sennott (@Rachel_Sennott) September 28, 2018
Made my first female friend today! So nice to finally meet someone drama-free like me. I am 18, TAKEN <3, and I have done six manslaughters. pic.twitter.com/mjHkaX9SGK
— Mitra Jouhari (@tweetrajouhari) September 26, 2018
It’s crazy how quickly Yachty turned from “the rapper teens are into” to “the rapper brands think teens are into.”
— Chris Mench (@Chris_Mench) September 26, 2018
I stay away from anybody black that uses the term “Person of color”. They working with the fedz.
— Trevor Joyner (@lolTrev) September 26, 2018
Health YouTube is another world. pic.twitter.com/gxshK9dTf2
— Ben Sixsmith (@BDSixsmith) September 28, 2018
Realizing the food at KFC sucks ass for the 4th or 5th time in my life , and making myself calm by looking up famous quotes about “Chaos”
— wint (@dril) September 29, 2018
i’m going to LA for a month and accidentally packed high and now i guess i have to wear three rainbow clown suits for 30 days goddamnit
— SARAH SQUIRM (@SarahSquirm) September 30, 2018
I don’t know too many of us who could survive the “crying while talking about how much you love beer” portion of the interview and still get the job.
— [kie.ran] (@danblackroyd) September 27, 2018
kudos to everyone using this as an opportunity to talk about how they went to Yale
— Sarah Nicole Prickett (@sylvia__north) September 29, 2018
My students: did you get my email?
— Amy Silverberg (@AmySilverberg) September 25, 2018
Judge kavanaugh lies so much it wouldn’t surprise me if he lied about being a judge. Are we sure this isn’t just some guy
— Joe tullar (@joetullar123456) September 28, 2018