I actually tried avoiding the internet last week, social media in particular. Things were going pretty well too—I finally got some long overdue writing done and made some progress in Breath of the Wild). About two hours after my decision to live on-the-prairie style, I realized that all 7 of my jobs/gigs take place online, and that if I wanted to eat/pay rent/exist in Los Angeles, I’d have to break digital edge. So here they are, from the sweat of my brow, the funniest tweets ever, of all time, last week.
Every Republican editorial is like, “While I spoke out against Donald Trump running over children with a car during the campaign, now that he has run over children with a car, it’s time for Democrats to be more civil”
— Mike Drucker (@MikeDrucker) October 4, 2018
This is how guys look down at u during sex when they are about to nut pic.twitter.com/EVvXrWLERl
— Rachel Sennott (@Rachel_Sennott) October 5, 2018
Here’s my new game, “Open Mic Simulator.” A game that let’s you:
-Meet awful people!
-Tell bad jokes!
-Make bad choices!
-Argue with idiots!
Get the full open mic experience without leaving your browser!https://t.co/YbVHPcr9EXpic.twitter.com/NUXua3mTBP
— Patrick Susmilch (@PSusmilch) October 4, 2018
New flirt, when someone starts telling you about ‘A Star is Born’ just ask them when their birthday is and then say “that’s when the real star was born”
— Alex Hanna (@AlexHanna_Good) October 6, 2018
Me at a trap party drunk:
slips dj a twenty dollar bill can you play Crawling by Linkin Park
— Quinta. (@quintabrunson) October 4, 2018
Overheard a girl at a cafe saying she couldn’t get dessert because she’s “trying to be good.” Sis the world is constantly 30 minutes away from imploding, get yourself a cookie
— hannah williamson (@hannahmcnoface) October 4, 2018
Quick heads up the title “A Star Is Born” is entirely metaphorical, there are no graphic shots of a full grown Lady Gaga coming out of a vagina. Feel like I wasted 12 bucks
— Joe tullar (@joetullar123456) October 7, 2018
all halloween music is on some level about how silly it would be if you got violently maimed and killed by a monster
— ARDEN JURSKIS (@ArdenJurskis) October 7, 2018
Every Netflix comedy special preview plays like it belongs in the fake trailers of tropic thunder
— Wight Assad (@RacismFactory) October 4, 2018
Kanye: Damn baby, I can’t do it that fast
But i know somebody who can, Twista!Twista: WhenIcatchyoulookingattheglistonmyhandsandwrist
Whileimlayingbacksmokingonmycannabis14 year old me: pic.twitter.com/zgBHwqmGpb
— Dj Nové (@HeyNove) October 3, 2018
just ordered a turkey sandwich and a pot of coffee like the grizzled old detective that I am
— Karen Kilgariff (@KarenKilgariff) October 1, 2018
Venom was bitten by a radioactive Evanescence song
— Kendrick LaBlart (@Hamptonyount) October 6, 2018
man I’ve been saying “u already know what it is” for years and I just realized I don’t even know what it is
— lil arab (@sweatyhairy) October 4, 2018
i love having to beg senator mutant from the sewer world not to vote for the sex crime judge
— raandy (@randygdub) October 6, 2018
How To Make Good TV
-Get a cast of about 6, all white, one ethnic
-They’re middle class but visually will appear very rich
-Make it about friends finding themselves in a big city
-Make it effervescently sad
-Name it something very vague like “Now We’re Here”Win all the Emmys
— Dewayne “Not Dwayne” Perkins (@DewaynePerkins) October 8, 2018
Brett Kavanaugh is 100% gonna ask Justice Sotomayor to fetch him coffee.
— Ariel Dumas (@ArielDumas) October 6, 2018
I wish everyone was a little bit hotter 🙁
— Megan Amram (@meganamram) October 5, 2018
the old Jewish lady with very large nipples and a buzz cut that taught a course on sucking dick on an episode of real@sex that I jacked off to in college https://t.co/FD8wuouq6b
— Stavros Halkias (@stavvybaby) October 5, 2018
A STAR IS BORN (2018) | D: Bradley Cooper #OnePerfectShotpic.twitter.com/bo0bBkTi2h
— Will Goss (@williambgoss) October 3, 2018
ON THE BRIGHT SIDE THE PLANET IS DYING
— NOT A WOLF (@SICKOFWOLVES) October 6, 2018
I can’t stop thinking about this pic.twitter.com/ig7DDVTsdZ
— HALLOWEENIS (@sug_knight) October 4, 2018