It’s dumbass daylight savings time again. The only thing worse than the sun setting at 6pm is this new Twitter refresh horror that’s made catching up on the day’s best tweets as hard as catching up with a friend from high school that you’re honestly fine drifting away from. While we are in the business of funny tweets, this week’s hero is @3vanSutton (and his source) for sharing a 97% successful solution to this hell. Save yourself by doing this: settings and privacy > accessibility > select “reduce motion.” Now, let’s bask in the glow of all the glorious tweets you probably missed this week due to this nonsense.
i’m a writer which means i can be witty in conversation but only if you give me 20 minutes to respond after everything you say.
— Dana Donnelly (@danadonly) November 7, 2019
fellas is it gay to love your friends so much you text them in all caps to say you would fight their enemies in a parking lot
— Kristen Arnett (@Kristen_Arnett) November 7, 2019
Sometimes a comic will, “book a few bar shows “ in, DIFFERENT CITIES and then, CALL IT a “tour”-. VERY DISHONEST!
— Trump Comedy Nerd (@TrumpComedyNerd) November 6, 2019
Teen girl told me she liked my outfit in the therapy waiting room. Do I even need to go in I just got everything I needed.
— Alana Hope Levinson (@alanalevinson) November 7, 2019
being straight is exhausting you message a guy on tinder like “cute dog” and he’ll reply “thanks haha you wanna come over and ride this dick reverse cowgirl til you bleed organs” no man go to therapy jesus fuck
— Abby Govindan (@abbygov) November 6, 2019
Nobody:
My period, the morning I have to be somewhere: pic.twitter.com/UPI46zbp4e
— Roxy (@hotgirIroxy) November 5, 2019
Can I write the sequel to The Little Mermaid? My take: Big Ol’ Mermaid
— Chelsea Devantez (@chelseadevantez) November 6, 2019
If you were home schooled you really dodged a bullet probably
— zach reinert (@zachreinert0) November 7, 2019
Every email I’ve ever written:
Subject Line: I am so sorry
Body: Hello!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Sorry again— Marcia Belsky (@MarciaBelsky) November 6, 2019
“i’m not here to make friends” -the creator of Friends, who originally wanted to make a different show
— Mikey Heller (@yoyorobot) November 6, 2019
Grabbed a towel after my shower and realized too late it had body spray all over it from one of my sons. Going into this table read smelling like checks label BearFight, my apologies for the amt of pussy I’m about to slay.
— Emma Arnold (@iamaroadtrip) November 6, 2019
Mercury is in reverse cowgirl again
— Nate (@Slomosapian) November 4, 2019
I just learned that Mountain Dew is the official beverage of the NBA which is like if cocaine were the official snack of the Audubon Society.
— Josh Gondelman (@joshgondelman) November 5, 2019
Pete Buttigieg is what happens when God’s gay writers take ALL the studio notes.
— George Civeris (@georgeciveris) November 5, 2019
Calling someone a Boomer is not ageist. Tomi Lahren is in her 20s and she’s a boomer.
— Mohanad Elshieky (@MohanadElshieky) November 4, 2019
me entering a fancy cheese home
Them: Hi, we are a fancy cheese home plz take your shoes off but socks on. Do NOT mention Malcom Gladwell, mark your bday on the Ansel Adams calendar (WITH time) we will look up your birth chart once you leave. Do not sit on the Shaker furniture— Julie Poptart (@juliepoptart) November 4, 2019
everyday i see a feral cat when i get home and no matter how much i pspspspsp he never comes. but one day u will answer my pspspsp and i will pat ur head u stupid fucken cat
— randy (@leakypod) November 1, 2019
Me: Hey do you have anything about adapting your business to survive in a changing marketplace?
Book Store Owner: No
— the drake gatsby (@DrakeGatsby) November 2, 2019
“As someone with extremely good hair and no other discernible qualities…” – me in work meetings
— Julia Claire (@ohJuliatweets) November 4, 2019
This weekend a woman asked my group of friends if any of us had a vibrator on us and when we all said no she asked me if I would go down on her and I was honestly so offended to be second choice to a sex toy that I only got her off once.
— Samantha Ruddy (@samlymatters) November 4, 2019