Yeah, we’re doing this again—the tweet post. Sorry, the tweet gallery. We haven’t done one of these week-ending wrap-ups for a couple of weeks, but that’s because we cranked out like three or four of these dumb things apiece for both the Democratic and Republican National Conventions. So although the official, time-tested, mother-approved Funniest Tweets of the Week post might not have happened since mid-August, we weren’t being lazy. We were embedding more tweets than ever before, sometimes up to 30 a day. It was a crazy boom time for tweet embeds around these parts, with tweet embeds raining down like oil from a freshly-tapped well. I don’t know if those are the right words to describe that thing in movies where somebody strikes oil and it comes surging out through that tower, but the secret to a good tweet gallery intro is not putting any thought into it. This is all free writing; I just put fingertip to key and let the words find their own path.
Oh hey, quick note: A.P. Bio is back on Peacock with a new season and you should maybe think about watching it. Good show.
How about this week? It was terrible. Don’t even think about it. Just read some tweets. Hopefully the next 30 seconds of your day won’t be that disappointing. Read ‘em, like ‘em, follow the people who wrote ‘em, and get ready for a long holiday jam-packed with another 72 hours of the year 2020.
If you think Jaws is scary for not really showing the shark, you should check out spielberg’s other films. they don’t show the shark at all
— josh ‘Letterman’ (oldfriend99) (@oldfriend99) August 28, 2020
Well, this is an all new low. Tonight Donald Trump repeatedly and flagrantly violated the law that forbids the President of the United States from shitting their pants live on national television. What are we going to do about it?
— ben “limited breadsticks” flores (@limitlessjest) August 28, 2020
You know 2020 is some serious shit because Taylor Swift and Jim Gaffigan have been radicalized https://t.co/gBzyBwV1nQ
— Chase Mitchell (@ChaseMit) August 28, 2020
LETS OPEN THIS FUCKING PIT UP https://t.co/joPrlTMyXmpic.twitter.com/uXXNGXzT5E
— the elusive robert danbe (@_danbe) August 28, 2020
The Cure have such a reputation for being crushingly sad goth music and every song is like “i needed a horn section to fully communicate how much i love my wife”
— Ryan Boyd (@ryandroyd) August 28, 2020
pronouncing bon iver like bon eye-ver in front of indie guys just to feel something
— ???? (@uncoolboyfriend) August 29, 2020
I am in @CentralParkNYC and man this city is in trouble. Roving gangs of cyclists on the park drive, kids hurling balls at each other in some sort of organized pattern, and people just eating food off blankets of some sort. There’s no way we bounce back from this.
— Tom Brennan (@Brennanator) August 30, 2020
It is a comedian’s job to speak the truth even when it is not popular and also to let the audience know that next week Rob Schneider will be at the club and we are giving out free tickets to anyone who fills out their comment cards drive safe
— Samantha Ruddy (@samlymatters) August 30, 2020
let’s check in later and if we both don’t have a ton of diarrhea, let’s hang
— Beth Stelling (@BethStelling) August 30, 2020
no one harder to impress than the guy who tallied up all the wonders of the world and only came up with SEVEN
— Naomi Spungen (@NaomiSpungen) August 30, 2020
The abbreviations for teaspoon and tablespoon are too similar and NOBODY’S TALKING ABOUT IT!!!!
— Josh Gondelman (@joshgondelman) August 30, 2020
Having great sex every night then waking up to news about fascism is like putting on my own private production of CABERET
— Maggie Mae Fish (@MaggieMaeFish) August 30, 2020
Certified freak, seven days a week? This is why we must unionize
— drew janda (@drewjanda) September 1, 2020
Every man named Guy had a parent who looked down at an eight pound baby was like, “Yeah. You are Guy.”
— Hank Green: A Beautifully Foolish Endeavor is Out! (@hankgreen) September 1, 2020
joe kennedy and beto are gonna start the worst fucking band
— Bob Vulfov (@bobvulfov) September 2, 2020
I get so fucking pissed when I see “That’s it. That’s the tweet.” I know you got more tweet in there motherfucker, where’s the rest of the tweet you FUCK
— Cameron Gillette (@heyguyscameron) September 2, 2020
82% of americans who say they know who adam carolla is are actually thinking of joe rogan. pic.twitter.com/BpvMvVVnUg
— Clutchy “Crepitus Maximus” McGritterson (@CMcGritterson) September 2, 2020
I like Chicago because every few blocks there’s a hot dog stand that’s been opened since the 1893 World Fair and the original owner, a surly Polish immigrant, is somehow still alive and cooking but also really mad at you specifically. Just a cool vibe for a city to have.
— Brandon (@BrandyBeansH) September 2, 2020
Batman has Covid? Wow, this whole thing has kinda come full circle for bats.
— Julius Sharpe (@juliussharpe) September 3, 2020
I wonder if people in Germany were like “Ugh 1933 sucks. 1934 better come through for me!”
— erin whitehead (@girlwithatail) September 3, 2020