You’ve probably been inundated with lists from various magazines and click holes sites about Father’s Day gift guide ideas. We’ve certainly done our part in that onslaught of content, and we could argue that those lists serve some purpose. You want to get dear old dad something nice, and we have some pretty good ideas for you. I know I’ve personally spent a lot of time and energy over the years trying to find my own dad a decent gift that could somehow represent my appreciation for all the times he let me borrow the car when I was a teenager. Usually, I settled on some sort of fishing paraphernalia. But now that I’m a dad myself I have unique insight into what fathers actually want for their special Hallmark holiday.
Forget those click hole lists you keep reading. Here’s what I actually want for Father’s Day.
1) I want my wife to fix me a drink. Just once, without me asking, make me a drink because it looks like I could use one. I’m not saying she has to go all ‘50s housewife and wear pearls and meet me at the door with a martini when I come home from work. I’m not suggesting we take away her right to vote or work outside of the home. I understand that my wife has her own stress, her own career, her own shit to deal with, and sure, I don’t actually “come home from work,” but it’s Father’s Day. Make me a cocktail.
2)Or hell, teach the kids how to make a solid cocktail. Nothing fancy (they’re only 7 after all), but they could make me an Old Fashioned. And that’s a solid life skill to have as they move through adolescence. It’s right up there with long division. Reading, writing, arithmetic and muddling. So it’s a good teaching moment.
3)I want to see a movie that isn’t a cartoon. Preferably something with explosions and full frontal nudity so that I won’t fall asleep half way through it.
4)Also, honey, if you’re making me a cocktail, why not wear that inappropriate lingerie I got you for Mother’s Day? (Obviously, I have no idea what mothers actually want for Mother’s Day.)
5)You might be thinking of getting me a flask, and that’s actually a pretty good gift because I like to drink bourbon and I really like to drink bourbon in places where I’m not supposed to drink bourbon, like PTA meetings and little league baseball games. But you know what I really want? I want enough time in my day to enjoy a legitimate nip of bourbon, poured over a chunk of ice in a an actual glass. I want 30 minutes of peace where nobody is asking me to tie their shoes or mow the lawn. I want to enjoy my drink in a glass, with some ice, maybe watching Sports Center like a man.
7) Forget the traditional round of golf. Let’s do something vaguely dangerous where the whole family needs to wear helmets.
8)I want to pick the music we play in the car. And it’s gonna be the Allman Brothers. Deal with it.
9) Don’t give me any formal wear. If anyone gives me a tie, I’m going to tie them up with it and force them to listen to me drone on about my lower back pain. If you’re looking to give me clothes, see “inappropriate lingerie for my wife,” above.
10) Forget everything else I already mentioned. What I really want is 12 hours where all I have to do is drink bourbon, play poker, throw axes at trunks of wood and tend to a bonfire. During that 12 hours, have steak and cheese sandwiches delivered to me every three hours, and periodically drive by the house to make sure the bonfire doesn’t get out of hand.