With the titans of processed food in an apparent arms race for novel-to-outlandish new flavor combinations, a trip down a grocery store aisle or a past a drive-thru window is becoming increasingly disorienting: cheeseburger-flavored crackers, tacos served in a disc of fried chicken, and gum that approximates your favorite latte at Starbucks.
But why stop there? Let’s just see how far we can take the trend of extreme flavor combinations. None of these exist, but if we’re really lucky, one day they could. Create a Facebook page today for your favorite and demand to be heard!
Cool Ranch Doritos Golden Oreos
Representing an historic union between snack food giants PepsiCo (Frito-Lay) and Kraft (Nabisco), these savory-sweet sandwich cookies are the ultimate in Oreo’s envelope-pushing series of limited edition flavors. Twist one open to reveal an enticing round of filling that’s kissed with the tangy spice that’s pure Cool Ranch. Perfect for those times when you can’t decide between chips or cookies. But what to wash it down with: a Coke or a glass of milk? Hmm…
Starbucks Pumpkin Spice Latte Desitin Rapid Relief Cream
Does a nasty diaper rash have baby up all night? Kissed with the soul-warming smells of a Starbucks Pumpkin Spice Latte, this new member of the trusted Desitin family will simultaneously soothe baby and mommy or daddy.
Kids’ Cavity Protection Sparkle Fun Crest Sour Patch Kids with Enamel Blaster Crystals
Health professionals tell us that gummy-licious, tooth-stickin’ treats high in acid and fructose are worse for oral health than battery acid. But why deny children with their birthright of sour candy pleasure? Now your kids can get their dose of Sour Patch Kids and squeaky-clean teeth all in one product. With Frozen co-branding for the girls and Star Wars for the boys, your family’s tooth brushing routine is about to get a lot more fun…and sour.
Krispy Kreme Bacon Cheeseburger-Filled Chocolate Iced Custard Doughnut
Those once-edgy hamburgers using sliced glazed doughnuts in lieu of buns are so 2008. But moving the hamburger inside of the doughnut, along with a plentiful dose of rich, golden custard? That’s innovation, people. Here’s an idea the inner Guy Fieri in all of us can get behind 100 percent.
KFC Really, Really Extra Crispy Artificial Fingernail Crusted Chicken
They’re always popping up on the nightly news: stories about a horrified customer discovering a fake nail in their fast food burrito or hush puppies. Why not just go with it and put them in the food on purpose? Made from a special edible blend of cellulose, corn starch, and chicken cartilage, these delightfully crunchy artificial nails add an irresistible punch to the breading of KFC’s newest fried chicken—and it’s so colorful, too!
Hard Candy Walking Taco Frito Pie Nail Lacquer
Who says nail biting should be considered a bad habit? Embrace your nervous tic and treat yourself to a dose of flavor while you’re at it! Now popular nationwide, the Texas delight of Frito Pie is also known as a Taco in a Bag or Walking Taco—so it’s a perfect fit for on-the-go hand snacking. Beef chili, cheddar cheese, sour cream, and the classic corn crunch of Fritos, all in an eye-popping nail lacquer that’s the clincher to any outfit…or at least as long as you can keep it on your finers.
Special K Protein Cereal with Yogurt-Covered Sabra Sun-Dried Tomato Hummus
Forget yogurt raisins. Get your protein on in the newest way possible—as a chewy, lycopene-rich nugget of sun-dried tomato that’s then blasted with Greek yogurt and heart-healthy hummus. Married with fiber-rich Special K, this is one big breakfast bowl that starts your day off the healthy Mediterranean way.
Chocolate Turtle Chex Mix Trident
Remember that episode of The Simpsons when Homer opened up a can of Nuts and Gum (“Together at Last!”)? It’s time to make that dream a reality. Say hello to the addictive sodium, fat, and carb bomb we all know and love as Chex Mix, now available in calorie-free gum form! Enjoy anytime, anywhere.
Cheesecake Factory Ultimate Red Velvet Cheesecake Yankee Candle Robitussin Maximum Strength Nighttime DM
You’re sick and have no sense of smell. Only one thing can cut through the pea soup fog of your sinuses, and that’s the reek of a genuine Yankee Candle. So why not pair the candle with the medicine for a giant win-win that pushes artificial flavor and aroma to its boundaries? Guzzle away your misery with the essence of The Cheesecake Factory’s Ultimate Red Velvet Cheesecake, distilled as potently as only a Yankee Candle can…and in easy-to-down cough syrup form that will knock you out flat.
Summer’s Eve Applewood Smoked Uncured Pepper Bacon Medicated Douche
Who says feminine hygiene has to be so blah? Everyone knows everything’s better with bacon, and that includes a freshly douched vagina. And since Summer’s Even knows women, they know carcinogenic nitrates and nitrites have no business in the holiest of holies.
Sara Bir is Paste’s food editor. She loves Cool Ranch Doritos.
Photo by Steven Pisano CC BY