Every few years, I manage to trick myself into thinking that there’s no fast food concept left out there that could possibly shock my battle-hardened sensibilities. Taco Bell wheels out “nacho fries,” and I yawn. Burger King tries “funnel cake fries” and I roll my eyes. KFC starts selling chicken ‘n waffle sandwiches, and I can’t muster any enthusiasm. This is 2019, people. We’ve been living through multiple years of the Trump presidency; what could possibly shock us now?
And then you see something like KFC’s new Cheeto Sandwich, and you remember how it feels to take one look at a promotional image and feel the tiniest bit of vomit rising in the back of your throat.
Good god, KFC. What hath science wrought on this one? The simply named Cheeto Sandwich, now being tested at limited locations in North Carolina, Virginia and Georgia, at first sounds like it’s simply going to be hilariously lazy in its concept, throwing a handful of Cheetos onto what is otherwise a normal chicken sandwich, but it then goes out of its way to make the final product that much less appetizing. Not only is the sandwich a slab of Extra Crispy KFC chicken and a mound of Cheetos, it’s also covered in a “special Cheetos sauce” and mayonnaise, because NOTHING goes better with Cheetos than hot mayo, right? This sandwich was clearly in need of multiple emollients to help coax it down your gullet. Or to quote KFC:
”[m]ade by coating a juicy, hand-breaded Extra Crispy chicken filet with special Cheetos sauce and placing it on a toasted bun with mayo and a layer of crunchy Cheetos, the Cheetos Sandwich will give you a blast of craveable Cheetos in every bite.”
Do you think they put this stuff in front of a focus group to score its overall craveability, or would KFC be so dastardly as to fabricate false craveability ratings? Could they really be that sinister?
But really: Could this sandwich be a sly satire of some kind on the aforementioned Trump? Just look at how neon orange it is, how patently absurd a concept. If we fail to take this sandwich seriously, will it seize supreme executive power? This is my greatest fear.
Regardless or not, this sandwich is in its test markets soon. Pray that we never see the national release, for the good of humanity.