Wow, it’s been 25 years since the first Sonic the Hedgehog game released for the Sega Genesis and since then I have made zero Sonic games. That’s incredibly disappointing not just for myself or my family but really for the Sonic franchise in general. Admittedly I have made no efforts to make a Sonic game during those 25 years, nor have I ever worked in the games industry. Honestly, I haven’t even played a Sonic game since the Sega Dreamcast stopped existing. In short, I really have done nothing to make my dream of making a Sonic game a reality — until today.
Today I finally release into the world my ideas for what the next Sonic game ought to be.
A lock-on cartridge similar to Sonic & Knuckles, this will now add Wario as a playable character in every Genesis-era Sonic game. He runs slower and can’t jump as high, making the game much more difficult, and in some cases, entirely impossible. On the plus side, he says “I’ma Wario, I’ma gonna win!” when you select him. On the negative side, the sound quality for the Sega Genesis is not great so it sounds more like “i’mawamba i’magamba!”
Q: Can I play as Wario in Sonic & Knuckles?
A: Yes, you can play as Wario in Sonic & Knuckles.
Q: Can I play as Wario in Sonic 2?
A: Yes, you can play as Wario in Sonic 2.
Q: Can I play as Wario in Super Mario World?
A: No, Super Mario World is not a Sonic game, nor a Sega Genesis game.
Q: Can I play as Wario in Sonic Spinball?
A: Yes, you can play as Wario in Sonic Spinball.
Q: Can I play as Wario in Sonic Adventure?
A: No, Sonic Adventure was not for the Sega Genesis.
Q: Can I play as Wario in Sonic 3?
A: Yes, you can play as Wario in Sonic 3.
Q: Can I play as Wario in Michael Jackson’s Moonwalker?
A: Yes, you can play as Wario in Michael Jackson’s Moonwalker because MJ composed the music for Sonic 3 so we went the extra mile in programming Wario to work for this game even though obviously it’s not a canon Sonic title.
People say Sonic is all about speed, but where is he going? He’s always running, but what is he running for? This game would answer those questions as Sonic faces his biggest challenge yet: uniting this country.
The game would feature online connectivity and frequent DLC as you would really be running in the 2016 election against real-life opponents like Hillary Clinton, Bernie Sanders and Donald Trump. Each zone would be a different primary state where Sonic needs to run loops and jump through hoops to earn voter approval.
If you think about it, Sonic makes sense as a candidate—he’s shut down plenty of Robotnik’s factories over the years so we know he’s tough on big business, attracting liberal voters. At the same time, Sonic has conservative appeal—his gold ring hoarding puts him in the top 1% of wealth. Plus the only colors in his design are red, white, blue, and caucasian.
It won’t necessarily be easy. For one thing, Sonic was born in Japan. Also you need to be at least 35 to run for president. But Sonic has defeated enemies far more powerful than the Constitution before. If you can raise enough enthusiasm for a grassroots campaign with passionate volunteers, and collect seven Chaos Emeralds in the process, you’ll be on your way to making Sonic the first videogame president of the United States.
Shadow brings the brooding personality. Big is a dumb cat who is very large. Together they’re searching for one big score. Mixing driving and action segments, you’ll drive across the country as Shadow ruefully whispers “Maria…” and Big wonders “Froggy? Where are you?”
The plan is to swipe the Master Emerald from Knuckles with an elaborate heist: Shadow will greet Knuckles and tell him he came alone as Big sneaks behind them and runs off with the jewel. By the way, the game will be scored by Run the Jewels, although every song will be “Pumpkin Hill.”
These characters have never interacted before but over the course of this game, they will become best friends. When you play, you will feel like you’re part of the group, too. That’s because you, the player, will be treated as a third character. Shadow and Big will keep looking directly at the screen to you, although you will not have the ability to respond. At the end, it will be revealed that’s because your mouth was taped shut and your hands were tied. Turns out these friends of yours weren’t great friends at all!
The most important relationship one can have in this life is with their own children and that’s true even for Dr. Ivo “Eggman” Robotnik.
In the Sonic games, we only really see one side of Eggman—the side that wants to trap animals and kill Sonic. But what if he had another, gentler side, with a family?
Players assume the role of Eggman as he struggles to win the love of his disaffected son by struggling to learn to play the guitar (think Guitar Hero with a learning disability). This eventually turns into a losing proposition and your son, Danny Robotnik, rebels even further away from you, causing your wife, Janice Robotnik, to file for divorce, leading to an intense subplot involving a legal custody battle (played like the Ace Attorney series). Depending on how your skills have progressed in the guitar portions, you’ll either form a band and tour with your new roommates (essentially a sadder version of Rock Band) or fall into a nasty drug habit (in a mode similar to Dr. Robotnik’s Mean Bean Machine).
This game will be be multi-faceted, complicated, and sad—fitting for a man who has internalized his shame enough to willingly go by the name Eggman.
This might be crazy but what if Sonic and Mario were in the same game together? That would be insane, right? Now let’s take it a step further—they’re also competing at the Olympics.
Why would they be doing this? Because this is my dream game, therefore it can be whatever I want it to be. Heck, it could be a whole franchise of games. Summer Olympics, Winter Olympics… anytime there’s an Olympics, there could be a new Mario & Sonic game.
Sorry, this is stupid.
Grant Pardee is Paste’s assistant comedy editor. Follow him on Twitter.