I play a lot of PlayerUnknown’s Battlegrounds (PUBG). Since I ranked the weapons for the game in a clear, objective numeric system, I thought it would be appropriate to do the same for the vehicles. I do this for you, of course, because I know that you need some guidance in your life. I’ve played a lot of this wonderful game to accrue this knowledge, and now I am making sure that you have it to. Without further chat, let’s get to the objectively true rankings of the vehicles of PUBG.
11. Motorcycle with Sidecar
This vehicle is death on wheels, and not for your enemies. PUBG does not have the most stable physics at the best of times, so the additional weight of a sidecar truly throws your ability to navigate this thing all out of whack. Imagine, for a moment, flying through the air with the greatest of ease. You begin to tilt sideways. The sidecar, filled with your best buddy, tends toward the ground. You both start screaming. That’s a summary of every single time I have ever attempted to use this vehicle. Just say no.
10. UAZ with Open Top
In the 1995 film Clueless, Alicia Silverstone plays the rich-and-rude socialite Cher Horowitz. During that film, she goes for a driving test, and she completely goofs it up. The best thing about the open top UAZ in PUBG is that you can accurately recreate that scene, or basically any driving scene you want, from Clueless. It’s a big, bossy car that does a vroom vroom all over the murder island map of Erangel. Sadly, the problem that plagues the open top UAZ that did not effect Cher in any way is that PUBG is a game that features many people firing guns at you. There is only one gun-related scene in Clueless. So while Cher was safe and having a fun and fancy free time in her open top jeep in the film, in PUBG the open top often leads to the driver getting shot. So there’s that.
9. Buggy
Conceptually, the buggy is a wonderful vehicle. You get to sit in a little Mad Max cockpit and drive this thing that sounds like a go-kart all around the wide world. It’s more difficult to hit the operator of the buggy than you might think, so this is generally a pretty safe and cool little vehicle. That is, unless you have a buddy. If so, they are going to be stuck in this weird bucket seat, a veritable crow’s nest from which they launch their assault on your enemies. And from that position, they’re going to eat a lot of bullets. No good.
8. PG-117 aka Boat
This is just a boat. You never want to be using this thing unless you absolutely have to. It is for transport purposes only. Sometimes you can drive it up onto a beach while hollering and firing a weapon, making it clear to friends and enemies alike that you mean business. But I would discourage you from using it any more than you absolutely have to.
7. UAZ with Closed Top
This vehicle is your classic wartime people mover. You can get inside of it and drive around with all of your closest friends, and the lack of a completely open top means that you’re more likely to stay safe and sound than you are to get eaten alive by the nightmare bullets that come screaming from sniper positions on hilltops all around you. This vehicle can be a little bit of a bully, knocking enemy cars away and providing some cover against gunfire, but it’s also very slow. It’s very easy for a Dacia to roll up on you and shotgun you through the window.
6. Pickup
It’s hard to be mad at a pickup truck. There’s days when I’m out there on the long road with my Ford F350, haulin’ wood and coal to the worksite, and I think about what my friends in Miramar might be doing with a truck as manly as the one I’m driving. I think about that virtual pickup as I lift boulders and place them, gently, into the treated plastic scuff-free bed of my freedom transportation machine. I wipe the sweat of my brow as I check the oil on my luscious horsepower holder, and I think about my friends, loaded for bear and ready to win a chicken dinner. That’s what this pickup means to me, and that’s why I should win this essay contest.
5. Aquarail
This is a marvelous contraption. It’s some kind of water motorcycle, a snowless ski-doo, and I think it is very fun and neat. Sadly, much like the boat, it’s basically useless as anything other than a vehicle that takes you from point A to point B. While the land-based vehicles can be used for cover or for trickery, this is really just the kind of thing you ride on for a moment to get to somewhere or to get away from somewhere else. It is #5 because of how cool it is, and that’s saying something about the power of cool.
4. Van
The van was introduced to PUBG with the Miramar map. Narratively, I like to think of it as the VW bus that was abandoned after a particularly bad weekend in the desert. Some hippies came down from…wherever, and they got embroiled in some things they didn’t understand. Dark things. And they don’t need this van anymore. Now it’s the kind of thing that me and my friends can pile into while yelling “Party bus! Party bus!” and honking the horn in the most obnoxious way possible. This is the most exciting vehicle in the game, but not even excitement gets you to #1.
3. Bronco
While this vehicle is technically a variant of the pickup with a different bed covering, I cannot be fooled when it comes to the portrayal of the Bronco in the digital wonderland of videogames. This thing hauls ass and looks good doing it. The sweet roar of its Southern dulcet tones rip out over the mesas of Miramar, and people look at me like “Damn, look at him, drivin’ that Bronco.” I’m the most popular guy in the murderin’ West when I’m driving this vehicle, and you can be too. It’s a beautiful ride.
2. Motorcycle
Liberated from the weight of the sidecar, the motorcycle becomes one of the most powerful vehicles in the game. You can ramp things, do backflips, achieve front flips, and generally do anything that the coolest people who ride bikes in the real world can do. The tactical benefit is that it’s hard to shoot people who are driving past you on a bike at high speeds, and the ramping capabilities of the bike can be used for tactical insertions that get you on rooftops, in windows, and generally in places where you’re going to be a big nuisance to people who are trying to defend against your attacks. This thing is good.
1. Dacia
This is a family car, and when you’re in it you have to abide by family rules. You have to be polite. No swears. You must always be driving at top speed. You must keep the Kar98 inside the vehicle at all times, but naughty shottys may dangle. This vehicle is the sweet spot of speed, maneuverability, and possible cover once you have to tactically ditch it. It can make big jumps, smash into dudes, and generally do all of the work that you need it to. It’s the hammer of PUBG and everything else is a nail. Use this vehicle all the time please.
Cameron Kunzelman tweets at @ckunzelman and writes about games at thiscageisworms.com. His latest game, Epanalepsis, was released last year. It’s available on Steam.