Waluigi is the perfect specimen: that tall and lanky frame, that lovably shrill voice, that pointy mustache so sharp that it can pierce the hearts of millions. This exceptional being that transcends humanity was genetically engineered for one purpose, and one purpose only—to play as Wario’s doubles partner in Mario Tennis. Because let’s face it, Wario’s kind of a dick, and no one wants to play with that guy. Nevertheless, Waluigi has performed way beyond his original programming, and we’ve compiled the greatest moments of the purple powerhouse through scientific means.
Because Waluigi is number one, each item on this list will appropriately be ranked as 1. Set your watches, everyone—it’s Waluigi time.
1. Beating the Shit Out of Nintendo’s Mascots in Smash Bros.
Players of Super Smash Bros. can pick up Assist Trophies with a chance of releasing a special brand of purple rage. See, Waluigi was rudely not invited to the festivities, so he unleashes a fury of attacks on players, curb-stomping everyone in sight and delivering a killing blow with his iconic tennis racket (tennis is just his thing, you see). The best part is that fighters cannot damage or stop Waluigi at all. There is no escape. There is only purple rage.
1. Demonstrating Swimming Finesse That Would Make Michael Phelps Jealous
When making sports games about distinctive cartoon-looking characters, one has to consider the unique qualities of each participant. Mario has fire, Yoshi has eggs, Wario has farts, etc. So what does Waluigi have at his disposal? Well, according to games like Mario Power Tennis and Mario Hoops 3-on-3, Waluigi’s distinct characteristic is swimming—and that’s swimming in the air, no less.
By the way, you may be wondering why Waluigi swims fully clothed. He was actually manufactured with his outfit—those overalls are his skin.
1. Showing Off His Slick Ride, The Waluigi Racer in Double Dash
Waluigi has a distinctive, unique and subtle design; you may not have noticed it, but his mustache is actually meant to resemble “L’s.” Quite clever, yes? Well, his appearance is iconic enough that it warrants its own kart. That’s right, Waluigi is a bona-fide mechanic, creating this hod rod that straight up looks like his damn face. We bet that you don’t have the courage to do the same. Now that’s a big sign of self-confidence if I’ve ever seen one. Admittedly, it’s a bit strange that he still can’t fit his legs in a kart of his own design, but we’ll give him a pass.
1. His Graceful Spins in Mario Sports Games
Don’t let Waluigi’s silly and utterly ridiculous height fool you. This star athlete has grace that ballerinas are jealous of. Watch his beautiful spinning in games like Mario Sports Mix and Mario Power Tennis. In the latter game, he begins his offensive power shot by posing as his own upside “L” emblem, like a freaking anime character. His crazy spins are not only gorgeous, but dangerous. This is a body that was built for sporting.
1. Busting Moves in Dance Dance Revolution and the Olympic Games
Waluigi has got some moves. After years of enduring a plethora of supporting roles, Waluigi finally got a chance to step into the spotlight as the villain of blockbuster hit Dance Dance Revolution: Mario Mix. In his dastardly quest to “hypnotize the rhythmless masses” with his totally dope dance moves, Mario for once has to fend off the notorious purple man. We get to see said dope dance moves again in Mario and Sonic at the Rio 2016 Olympic Games, in a stunning rhythmic gymnastics routine. Waluigi totally fucks.
1. “Take this, Mr. Eyeballs!” in Mario Power Tennis
So you’re someone’s evil doppelganger and you want to mock your nemesis, eh? Well, the first thing to go at would probably be your rival’s appearance. In Waluigi’s case, he could make fun of Luigi’s height, his not-pointy mustache, his cowardness—the list goes on. So which unique feature did Roastmaster Waluigi make fun of in the memorable Mario Power Tennis opening? His eyes.
Nailed him.
1. The Rose in Mario Party 8
There are two sides to every coin. While Waluigi is known to be a dirty, rotten scoundrel, he is also a romantic heartthrob. In Mario Party 8, while Waluigi’s fellow partiers celebrate victories with their whoops and cheers like goddamn animals, our purple friend elegantly pulls out a rose. Is he a scumbag on the outside? Absolutely. But deep down, Waluigi has a heart of gold.
1. “Cock Teasing” in Mario Strikers Charged
When Shigeru Miyamoto came up with Mario Bros. in the 1980s, he probably did not expect it to result in a soccer game where a greasy-looking purple creep repeatedly points at his crotch to celebrate in front of an electric fenced stadium filled with monsters. See, Waluigi doesn’t give a shit, which is why we ultimately love him. In this dark and violent sports game, Waluigi brings some levity by pretending he’s in the damn WWE. Although why his teammates (even those with probably no genitalia) join in on the nonsense is unknown.
If you haven’t been convinced by Waluigi’s beauty yet, look no further than this extremely (and probably unnecessarily) high resolution asset of his face. This image is not safe for work, probably.
Chris Compendio is a Paste intern who is currently playing the “Waluigi Pinball” music on loop. Engage in the Waluigi discourse by following him on Twitter @Compenderizer.