Games are games, and movies are movies, and never the twain shall meet—in a good review. There’s some key element that is consistently lost in creation, and there have been more wrecks than many of us care to admit. But with adaptations of popular titles like Assassin’s Creed, Mass Effect, Halo, Shadow of the Colossus, World of Warcraft and so many more hanging in the balance, we’re reminded that Hollywood isn’t slowing its conquest anytime soon. Can they learn from their consistent mistakes of bad actors, worse plotlines and laughable special effects? We hope so. Just in case, here’s a little reminder with our top 10 worst game-based movies. Cover your PlayStation’s eyes, for god’s sake.
10. Silent Hill (2006)
Director: Christophe Gans
Starring: Radha Mitchell, Laurie Holden, Sean Bean
Despite the success of the games, Silent Hill stumbled in its big-screen debut. It was visually impressive, but its story wandered around as much as its main character. Although the plot vaguely follows along with the game, it lacks the seriously creepy punch that makes the Silent Hill franchise so good. Still, it’s a movie that strangely gets better with repeated viewings—if you can make it past the first round.
9. Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time (2010)
Director: Mike Newell
Starring: Jake Gyllenhaal, Gemma Arterton, Ben Kingsley
With Disney at the helm, was it any surprise that the film adaptation of Prince of Persia turned out to be nothing more than a pretty face? The movie is full of great special effects with little else to back it up, not to mention the glaring inaccuracy of the lead casting choice. You’re great, Jake, but you’re not Persian. No, no, we know you got really tan and worked out. You’re still a white dude.
8. Max Payne (2008)
Director: John Moore
Starring: Mark Wahlberg, Mila Kunis, Beau Bridges
Mark Wahlberg delivers what may be his worst performance ever to the beat of weird hallucinations and one of the most boring, poorly written revenge tales ever. Marky Mark would be ashamed of his future, Mr. Wahlberg. But hey, on the plus side, at least it didn’t feature a screaming baby for 10 minutes.
7. All Resident Evil Movies After the First (2004-2010)
Director: Alexander Witt (Apocalypse), Russell Mulcahy (Extinction), Paul W.S. Anderson (Afterlife)
Starring: Mila Jovovich
For many gamers, the Resident Evil franchise has become synonymous with the survival horror genre. For movie watchers, Resident Evil is closer to Mila Jovovich doing over-the-top stunts in weird outfits. While the first movie was passable, its many sequels quickly devolved into even more nonsensical plotlines, mesh tank tops and cheesy 3D. The filmmakers chose to reject any of the game’s major plotlines, but that didn’t stop them from borrowing various elements as they pleased. Well-loved characters became two-bit actors. In-game cinematics were shamelessly lifted for less impressive fight scenes. The movies are at best a bastardization of the series, but they wouldn’t let a little thing like that stop them, now would they
6. Doom (2005)
Director: Andrzej Bartkowiak
Starring: Dwayne Johnson, Karl Urban, Rosamund Pike
Now I know what you’re thinking. “A movie starring Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson was bad?” Making one of the most iconic games of all time into a film is no easy task—especially when the source material has little in the way of story or characters. Doom the movie might as well have had neither, however, considering just how bad the acting and plot were. But we commend the movie’s shoddy attempt at mimicking the first-person camera style near its conclusion. Granted, it doesn’t really work for, you know, movies, but nice try anyway.
5. Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li (2009)
Director: Andrzej Bartkowiak
Starring: Kristin Kreuk, Neal McDonough, Michael Clarke Duncan
It’s hard to top the mediocrity of the first Street Fighter film, but The Legend of Chun-Li does it, and does it well. Where the first film at least had a “so bad it’s good” charm to it, its successor simply tries too hard. She might be nice to look at, but Kristin Kreuk lacks any kind of serious spark as the titular heroine. Back to Smallville with you, Kreuk.
4. Dead or Alive (2006)
Director: Corey Yuen
Starring: Jamie Pressly, Devon Aoki, Sarah Carter
It’s hard to make a great movie based off a fighting game. It’s even harder to make a great movie based off a fighting game best known for having the nicest boobs in town. If cheesy fight scenes, hyper-sexualized women and a brain-dead semblance of a plot are your thing, you’re in for a treat. If you’re looking for oh, say, a decent movie, turn back now. Dead or Alive is a game filled with fierce beauties, but sadly the acting of their real-life counterparts doesn’t even amount to enough to fill a B-cup. This film would be better labeled DOA—dead on arrival.
3. Alone in the Dark (2005)
Director: Uwe Boll
Starring: Christian Slater, Tara Reid, Stephen Dorff
Based off the mostly has-been casting choices, you have to wonder if these actors weren’t alone in the dark themselves with unpaid bills. Christian Slater is captain of this failboat as a paranormal researcher with special abilities. There’s a plot in here somewhere, but its holes are big enough for Mr. Slater to drive said boat through. If the movie doesn’t give you a seizure with its horrendous acting, ’90s graphics and Tara Reid usage, it’ll sure as hell try other ways. But Alone in the Dark did teach us one thing: never let Christian Slater near your children. This kid will have nightmares for the rest of his life.
2. House of the Dead (2003)
Director: Uwe Boll
Starring: Jonathan Cherry, Tyron Leitso, Clint Howard
A group of kids head to an island rave, only to find out that it’s infested with zomb—okay, you know what? No words will ever truly describe how awful this movie is. Just watch this scene instead.
1. BloodRayne (2005)
Director: Uwe Boll
Starring: Kristanna Loken, Ben Kingsley, Michelle Rodriguez
When compiling this list, it was sheer accident to have three Uwe Boll movies round out the finals, but the man has really earned it. BloodRayne is a film so difficult to sit through that there should be an award. It’s painfully cheesy in almost every way imaginable, and the only authentic things about the movie are the prostitutes. Yes, Uwe Boll hired real Romanian hookers to appear with Meat Loaf. Oh, right, Meat Loaf was in this movie, too.